In previous posts I’ve written about the roots of that seemingly inevitable decline and what helps. But there’s another part of relationship failure or loss that can be a basis of new growth. Let me explain. Over the decades I’ve witnessed countless examples of people drawn into new relationships that are simply new versions of previous, failed relationships — old wine in new flasks. And inevitably, disaster is lying in wait, right down the road. I think that often happens when an important part of the foundation for a positive, sustainable romantic and sexual relationship is neglected or overlooked.

That is, mental health practitioners focus a great deal on building better mechanics of listening, mirroring to each other, techniques of communication and compromise, and so on. All good stuff. But what can go missing is a deeper learning, emotionally and spiritually: Learning not only what went wrong in your past, failed relationships; but also learning from the residue of the loss and using that awareness in your future relationships. That means incorporating the meaning of the loss or failure into the fabric of your life, and identifying what you need to learn from it as you go forward.

That missing ingredient came to mind recently while reading an essay by a woman who encountered the son of an early, lost love. Reading it stirred up an old memory, as I described in a previous post, in a different context.

As a young boy growing up in upstate New York, I sometimes roamed through some nearby woods and fields. As I did that one bright summer afternoon I came upon a large tree – perhaps an elm or poplar. I noticed that its trunk had a deep scar, and looked like it had been struck by lightning some years before.

That came to mind, for reasons I’ll explain later, reading Lee Montgomery’s essay, “First Love, Once Removed.” She describes a drop-in visit by the son of her first lover, with whom she had many romantic and adventurous experiences in her early youth, during the 1970s.

She writes, “When I think of Ian, I think of endless days hanging out in the woods and fields around our New England prep schools, sucking dope out of a metal chamber pipe. Ian showed me the world and taught me to live in it. New York City. The Great West. And Europe, where we lived for several months during his first college year abroad. He was socially connected and wealthy, two things I was not. For a long time, it didn’t matter.”

Eventually, their relationship ended. No surprise, for two 18 year-olds. She went on with her life: “I went to college, fell in love again (and again), married, went to graduate school and made a career. For his part, Ian….inherited a lot of money, moved out West, married, had no career that I knew of and shot himself when he was in his 30s.”

His son, who was quite young at the time his father committed suicide, was now about the age Montgomery was when she and his father were lovers. She describes his dropping by her office one day, hoping to hear some stories of what his father was like. The memories felt and alive as she drew into them and spoke with her young lover’s son about his father: “Sitting across a booth studying this young man, I was overwhelmed. So many years later, I was stunned to find the feeling of first love still there….We were really happy once. My word, imagine to be that age, in love and alive.”

Montgomery’s poignant essay brought to mind the importance of facing the enduring loss of love and connection. It affects us permanently, and that can be a good thing. No matter whether it was because the two of you grew in different directions as you enter adulthood life, or from failure to build on what you once shared together. Nor does it matter if the relationship ended because of something you did that harmed or damaged the relationship. None of those experiences can be undone. Nor should they.

Their legacy becomes woven into the larger tapestry of your life, even as that tapestry enlarges over time. The challenge is to incorporate all of it; learn about yourself from all of your experiences, especially what didn’t work or what was negative…or else keep repeating new versions of it.

That’s what brought to mind the old tree trunk I saw as a young boy. Damaged where the lightning had struck, I noticed that the trunk had continued to grow around it and gradually encompassed the damaged part within it. It was like oneself: Even if you continue to grow and change, learn from your experiences and continue on with your life, your losses nevertheless remain part of you…. always there, a visible, enduring part of you. But by embracing that reality, loss of failure in love can be a good thing for your future relationships; if you can learn to integrate it and meld it into your ongoing life journey, your personal “evolution.”

Here’s a way you can begin learning from your failed or lost love relationships. I call it doing a Relationship Inventory.

Start by making a list of your major romantic relationships. Then:

• For each one, reflect on and write down what attracted you to that person, at that particular time of your life. What were the qualities of that person that aroused your interest? Why those qualities? What were your life circumstances at the time? What role did those play? Include family influences, as well as the impact of what you thought love was, at that time. How would you assess your own level of development or awareness at that time?

• Describe in one or two paragraphs what you think happened during the relationship that led to its end, from today’s perspective. That is, from the vantage point of what you know about yourself today.

• Write down what you think you learned – or were unable to learn at that time – about yourself from that relationship.

• How did that help – or could have helped, had you been more aware at the time — evolve your capacity for a positive, sustaining relationship?

• How can you use that knowledge and awareness now, with your current – or next-relationship?

In a previous post I wrote that a key pathway to psychological health and resiliency in today’s world is learning to “forget yourself.” This post describes ways to do that in three important realms of your life – your work, your personal relationships, and your life “footprint.”

In the earlier post I explained that “forgetting yourself” doesn’t mean neglecting your own legitimate needs or concerns. Rather, it means letting go of our human tendency to overly dwell on ourselves – our own concerns, needs, desires, slights, complaints about others, and so on. Psychological health and resiliency in today’s world grows when you can do that and put your energies in the service of something larger than yourself: problems, needs and challenges that lie beyond your own personal, narrow self-interest.

That may sound like a paradox, but it’s based on a new reality: Today’s world is changing more rapidly than you can imagine and is becoming immensely interdependent, interconnected, unpredictable and unstable. In this new environment you can’t create or sustain a positive, healthy life through the old ways of reactive resiliency, of coping and hoping to rebound.

That is, chronic unhappiness, dysfunction and overt emotional disturbance lie in store for those who remain too locked into thinking about themselves and who use old solutions to achieve success in relationships and at work. For example, trying to achieve power and domination over others, and thinking you can hold on to that. Fearing collaboration and avoiding mutuality with people who are different from yourself, or with whom you have differences. Looking for ways to cope with stress and restore equilibrium or “balance” in your life. And overall, being absorbed by your own conflicts, disappointments and the like. The latter are inevitable, and dwelling on them is a breeding ground for resentment, jealousy, and blame. That’s a dead-end. The consequences are visible in people who are unable to handle career downturn, who experience mounting relationship conflicts and who suffer from a range of psychological problems like depression, boredom, stress, anxiety and self-undermining behavior.

In contrast, positive resiliency in today’s environment is the byproduct when you aim towards common goals, purposes or missions larger than just your own narrow self-interests. That keeps you nimble, flexible, and adaptive to change and unpredictable events that are part of our new era. Then, you’re creating true balance, between your “outer” and “inner” life.

Here are three ways you can move through self-interest. Each describes a shift, or evolution from the older, reactive form of resilience to the new, proactive form:

Upgrade your career to the 4.0 version; Practice “Harnicissism;” and Become a Good Ancestor

Yeah, I know — those descriptions sound odd. In future posts I’ll elaborate on each of them. But this overview will help stimulate your thinking about what they look like in everyday life.

Upgrade To Career 4.0 The most savvy men and women already know that today’s workplace requires a high level of collaboration with very diverse people. You need to align your talents and skills with common objectives, whether a product or service. That means diminishing your ego in the service of teamwork towards that larger purpose, while constantly looking for opportunities for learning, growth and impact. In essence, that’s the 4.0 career upgrade.

To oversimplify for the sake of contrast, the 1.0 career is doing whatever kind of work is necessary to survive. The 2.0 orientation is what most people think of as “careerism” – aiming for increasing personal power, authority and position within an organization. The rise of Career 3.0 during the last 20 years reflected a desire for more personal meaning and sense of purpose through work.

The more recent emergence of the 4.0 orientation goes beyond the self-focus of 3.0. It’s a shift away from self-promotion and purely personal ambitions – whether for increasing authority or personal “happiness” – and towards effective, creative contribution to goals larger than the purely personal. It means looking for ways to have impact on something that matters, as you continue to learn and grow your capacities and talents.

From the 4.0 perspective, you move through self-interest, not into it. You’re tuned in to the larger picture, in which you’re one player, while finding ways to make a positive contribution to the service or product. It includes being aware of how you’re perceived by others, and looking for ways to be collaborative rather than self-promoting at others’ expense. As a CEO recently commented, “the definition of success is the company, not an individual.”

Practice “Harnicissism”

Don’t go looking it up, because there’s no such word. I made it up to describe the second pillar. “Harnicissism” is shorthand for learning to harness your narcissism. I don’t mean that everyone is narcissistic in the pathological sense. Most people have tendencies towards self-interest and self-absorption, and those are often reinforced and promoted by cultural norms and values. They impact and distort our romantic and sexual relationships, as I’ve written in another post here. Those same tendencies cripple effective interactions and relationships in general, and will undermine positive resiliency.

But in fact, research shows that we’re not innately narcissistic. So, a second pillar of resiliency in today’s world is leading yourself towards mutuality and equality – “power with” rather than “power over” – people in your sphere of relationships. From the perspective of “Harnicissism” you’re aware that you’re serving a larger purpose than just your own agenda: the “third entity,” the relationship itself. It’s that third entity that supports and strengthens your intimate relationship, that with your children, co-workers, or groups that you’re a member of.

The shift, here, is from primarily self-interest, towards openness and mutuality in service of a shared goal. For example, it’s a shift away from maneuvering, dominating or subtly manipulating to get your own way; to get your own needs and desires met at the expense of the other person — or even, as is often the case — at the expense of the relationship itself.

You can practice “Harnicissism” through transparent exposure and two-way openness, as opposed to being in relationships that are transactional and commercial, operating with a “return of investment” philosophy. In fact, research shows that more effective, productive relationships are forged through cooperation and mutual support rather than by power struggles. Those actions are fueled by both empathy and “indifference,” as I described in previous posts.

Become A Good Ancestor

This third pillar of resilience refers to everyday actions that help support a healthy, sustainable planet – for your own life, your children, your community, and all humans, around the globe. Others who come after you will live with the “footprint” you leave behind. That’s why I call this pillar becoming a “good ancestor.”

That is, growing recognition of climate change, along with climate disasters like the Gulf oil eruption and political upheaval around the world has raised awareness that everyone’s well-being, security and future way of life are highly interconnected. We’ve all become global citizens. Your individual actions and “footprint” will impact the health of the planet and the lives people who come after you.

Becoming a good ancestor represents a shift from selfish consumption of resources, from fear of others who are different, towards actions that help sustain the health and well-being of both the human community and the planet. For example, it’s harder to enjoy and consume pleasures for yourself when you’re highly aware of the suffering of others, whether from famine, natural disasters, polluted water, torture. All such events circle back to impact each of us. Actions that help you become a good ancestor strengthen your own capacity to deal with the disruptions and upheavals that are in store for all of us; with being able to handle a “non-equilibrium world with flexibility and positive actions.

All three of these pillars of resiliency rest upon being able to “forget yourself” in the ways I’ve described. They are the vehicle for acting with empathy, a broadened perspective, and sense of responsibility for not only yourself and immediate relationships, but for the human community and the planet. When you “forget yourself” through flexible, focused actions, you’re better able to experience stability, success and well-being through tumultuous times, like a gyroscope that keeps a ship stable through choppy waters.

Facing what that means can be painful. It may even feel relationship-threatening. But doing so can open the door to strengthening the true foundation of your relationship: Your vision of life. That refers to what you’re really living and working for, both individually and as a couple.

That’s the fundamental core of a relationship, and it’s often overlooked or seldom discussed. When you do face it you may discover that you and your partner were never in synch about your vision of life. Or, that you may have gone off on different tracks over time. When either is the case, you end up seeing different things altogether.

That’s a crucial problem because your core vision of life will increasingly impact your long-term health and well-being in today’s world, whether you’re in a relationship or not. We’re now living in a totally interconnected, unpredictable, “non-equilibrium” world. My 35 years as a psychotherapist and business psychologist convinces me that our new era requires a new and revised picture of psychological health and positive resiliency — what it looks like and what helps build it – to support your outward success and internal well-being in the years ahead.

My previous posts about the impact of the New Resiliency on intimate relationships have focused on sustaining or rebuilding building positive connection, emotional intimacy and sexuality in our new era. These are important, but the underlying foundation for long-term vitality and connection is a couple’s shared vision of life. But typically, a couple doesn’t talk about it much, or may gloss over it and assume they’re on the same page. Then, when they get into trouble in their daily relationship, they start looking for answers that don’t help.

That is, many couples spend a great deal of time, effort and money trying to improve their communication skills, listening skills, negotiation skills, their problem solving techniques and, in general, trying to learn how to make a marriage “work” for the long run. And yet, despite best intentions, the divorce rate continues to be about 50%. Increasing numbers choose to live together without marriage. And affairs appear to have entered the mainstream (Ashley Madison, the on-line site for people seeking affairs, now advertises on TV and has made a $25 million bid for naming rightsto the new Meadowlands stadium).

But the yearning for a relationship that sustains and deepens over time – even the desire for the elusive “soul mate” – remains strong. The continuing market for articles, books, blog posts and videos about how to make relationships work better is, in itself, evidence that none of these programs, strategies and techniques help very much. But it’s also confirmed by actual research. For example, social psychology researcher Bella DePaulo has documented the lack of evidence for the effectiveness of marriage skills programs in two recent Psychology Today blogs.

What’s Your Vision of Life?

I think the reason these programs don’t contribute much to building or sustaining intimacy and relationship “success” is that most of them focus on tweaking or modifying what I’ve described as a Functional Relationship. It’s what most couples descend into as they grapple with “balancing” work and life issues, raising children, paying bills, and so on. Their interaction becomes increasingly transactional, less energized and less interesting. Conflicts and power struggles begin to become part of daily life. As one spouse said to me, “I can’t remember why we got together in the first place.”

Couples will begin thinking that they’re seeing things differently, and if they can only learn how to adjust those differences – perhaps some creative compromises or better give-and-take – then they will have a successful future.

Not so. Not when the real problem is that you’re operating with different visions of life to begin with. Your vision includes:

• Your overall sense of purpose, of meaning.
• What you’re actually living and working for, or towards, in “real time.”
• What you’re strengthening or diminishing in your personality and values — knowingly or unknowingly — individually and as a couple, as you travel through life.

Here are some guides for you and your partner to help identify your life vision. Compare your answers to the questions and discuss what you discover

Seeing Your Current Life Path
First, set aside a block of time to talk with each other about your deepest desires and aspirations for your lives, individually and together. Listen to each other. Ask questions, but hold off commenting on or judging what you hear. Just learn from each other. Be as honest as you can.

Begin the dialogue with these questions:

• Why do you think you’re here, on this planet, at this moment in time?
• How did you come to do the kind of work you now do?
• Why do you continue to do it?
• What are your material goals vs. your spiritual, creative or relationship goals for your lifetime, as an individual and as a couple?
• What do the answers reveal about your desires, values, aspirations or fears?

Then, look at what you and your partner are aiming towards at this moment in your lives, in the context of your careers; your financial situation; your family, if you have growing children or ones already “launched;” or elderly parents who may need care and decision-making. For example:

• Children – Are you on the same page about what you want for your children, regarding education, summer enrichment programs, how you see their personalities, temperaments, interests, cognitive strengths, talents, etc.

• Financial – Describe each of your views of financial “needs” vs. “wants,” with respect to your desires for lifestyle, long-term security, use of assets over time, and the role of giving to others in your value system. Discuss where you and your partner mesh, where you don’t, and how to bridge the differences. Focus on the long-term, the decades ahead, and not just immediate circumstances.

• Geographic – To what extent are you both compatible with, and have a sense of connection with your geographic location? How important is this dimension to you? Where there are differences, how can you deal with them through compromise or adjustment over time?

Your Life Plan

• Do you serve anything larger than your own personal needs and wants? If not, where do you think that road will take you over time? If you do, what is it? Does what you serve or contribute to feel in synch with your true self, your talents, your values?

• Did you turn away from any passions or interests that pulled you when you were younger, and that you regret not having pursued? If so, how could you try to reclaim them?

• Make a list of any talents, experiences, unfulfilled creative needs, and challenges that you would like to incorporate into the next several years of your life.

• For each item on your list, write down what changes you would need to make in your career, personal life commitments or relationship, to make that occur.

• What are the resources you currently have; and what ones would you need to acquire to make those changes (education, financial, location, life-style, etc.)?

• How do these mesh with those of your partner? What do you do if they don’t?

Should Your Relationship Continue?

Now, the big one: Describe why you want to stay together, including the possibility that you don’t.

• Be open with each other about whether you want to continue your marriage or relationship as it currently exists. Is this the person you want to stay with the rest of your life? If so, explain why.

• If you have doubts, express them. Consider the possibility that the relationship you entered years ago, and within which you may have raised children, worked for that earlier purpose; but that it may no longer work for you today.

• If it doesn’t, how could the two of you reconstitute it to fit who each of you are at this point in your lives? Do you want to try? If not, can you end it respectfully?

Share with your partner what you come up with from all of the above exercises. Discuss where you’re in synch, and how to deal with where you’re not. Just asking these questions about your life vision will reveal important information about each other and about yourselves as a couple. That will tell you if you have a good foundation for a self-sustaining relationship — one that will be resilient in the face of the unknowns and changes that are waiting for you down the road….and you know there are going to be plenty of them!

That event triggered a memory of an event that occurred more than two decades earlier.  It made me reflect on what we do as parents that affect how our children will deal with uncertainties and unknowns that lie ahead in their lives.  But it also reminded me that children have some innate “adult” powers that we haven’t fully recognized.

It happened one morning in early spring.  We were sitting at the airport, waiting for the plane to begin boarding.  My daughter was going fly alone.  It wasn’t the first time she had flown, but on this trip she would be unaccompanied, and would meet her mother in another city.  She was excited about it, but was also scared about going alone.

We sat side-by-side in the airport lounge, where we could look through the large windows at the baggage loading and refueling activity outside.  She began peppering me with unnerving questions — like why planes crashed, how frequently, and whether I knew that this one would be safe.  Oddly, though, each time she asked I thought I detected a faint, sly grin, followed by a quick sideways glance with her twinkling blue eyes.  I sensed that she was feeling something she couldn’t quite express, beyond her fears.  Maybe was looking to me to affirm whatever that was, if  only I could tune into it.

Then suddenly, it was boarding time.  We rose together, and she hugged me tightly.  “I’m still scared, Daddy,” she murmured quietly.  Quickly reviewing my parental options, I thought of something: I reached into my pocket and found a quarter.  I told her that this was a Magic Quarter that I kept for situations like these.  As long as she held it in her hand, she would be completely safe.  Then, then she would feel free to have fun on the trip.

She gripped it tightly in her little fist, and with a solemn look, but still with that odd glint in her eye, marched down the boarding ramp. She continued looking back at me, waving until she was out of sight.

Driving along the Potomac River back into Washington, I kept thinking about what had happened.  I felt there was something meaningful in her sly grin.  Perhaps she sensed that the trip could be fun, a new adventure, and not just a bundle of fears.  At the time, I wasn’t sure, but if so, maybe the Magic Quarter provided the bridge.  Maybe she knew the real “magic” was the nascent power within her.

Today, I think that moment illuminated something that’s often unrecognized in our understanding of both children and adults:  That there are innate “adult” powers within the child that are the foundation for a psychologically healthy adulthood.  But the parenting the child receives, as well as the norms and rewards the culture provides, can deform those powers.

Let me explain.  Mental health practitioners and the general public alike often speak of a “wounded child” within the adult; that a healthy adulthood requires healing that “inner child” and building good coping skills and competencies. That’s certainly true, for many people.  But I think psychological health includes more than healing early damage and successfully adjusting to the conditions you’re in. Those enable you to be functional in society, but can also fuel one’s “default mode” of self-centeredness and self-absorption to an extreme degree. Just check out the daily news.

Missing from that picture are the capacities for embracing new possibilities and challenges in life.  A spirit of adventure, fun and confidence in the face of the unknowns that lie ahead in your life path. Going against the grain in decisions and values.  Creating positive, mutual connections with diverse people. And, knowing who you are inside — independent of the pressures to adapt to a “self” that may bring external reward but also feels alien and inauthentic.

In short, reverse the notion that there’s a child within the adult.  Consider that there is also an adult within the child.

Think of how the seeds of a flower contain everything that’s needed to sprout, grow and bloom into its full form.  Similarly, the infant isn’t a blank slate.  Here are three adult powers within the child:

You’re innately empathic

This is the rudimentary form of the adult capacity for mutuality and compassion.  Empathy is the basis for experiencing others’ feelings, desires and conflicts, and moving beyond your tendency to view the world only through your own lens.  Research shows you can observe empathy within the emotional experiences and behavior of infants and small children. In fact, we now know that empathy is hard-wired, in the mirror-neurons.

You can rebound from adversity

The child has the capacity to bounce back from loss, trauma, or abuse.  Research confirms this, even for abused and emotionally damaged children.  What helps is when a child has or seeks out a role model who provides inspiration to carry him or her through the damaging experience.  The child who heals was able to construct a vision of hope and change, beyond the damaging experience.  That’s the basis for the adult capacity for creative flexibility and proactive behavior in the face of change, whether positive or negative.  That’s what I’ve described in previous posts as the proactive “new resiliency” needed in our current world.

You know your ‘true’ self

This is the child’s capacity to recognize the differences or boundaries between his or her emotional states, needs, and desires, and those of others.  That’s the foundation for the adult capacity for self-definition, for being the “author” who’s writing the “story” of your life.  That self-definition helps you let go of the social conditioning that tends to shape your values and beliefs, and that also underlies the choices at work and in relationships that often result in pain and conflict.  It’s the basis for defining your own goals and values, independent of the pull from social pressures or rewards.

Of course, these adult capacities can and do become deformed, arrested or squashed, depending on parenting, inherited temperamental and other circumstances.  For example, empathy can be short-circuited by abusive experiences or extreme reward. (see some celebrities or sports stars).  Resilience can turn into hopelessness and despair if the child is unable to visualize a hopeful possibility for the future.  And your true self can be deformed by an increasing gap between your socially-adapted false self and your more authentic “secret self,” especially if the child is pressured or rewarded to comply too much or too easily with life situations that are stifling or disappointing.

In fact, the latter underlies many of the feelings of meaningless and lifelessness that often erupt in the form of the “midlife crisis.” It also underlies the recent, seemingly contradictory findings that the mature adult years show an increase in reported happiness, on the one hand, and depression – including suicide – on the other.

The parents’ behavior is crucial to whether the adult-within-the-child flourishes, deforms or becomes arrested.  Some parents are more able than others to support growth. Some are indifferent, or affirm the wrong things because of their own unconscious, unresolved conflicts. As Jung once wrote, “Nothing has a greater impact on children than the unlived lives of their parents.”  Research confirms this.  Children report that being subjected to humiliation and disrespect, not listened to, and put in embarrassing situations have the most significant impact on them.

Looking back to that event at the airport, I think my daughter was trying to let me know – perhaps with only dim awareness — that she wanted to experience this new adventure as fun; not just cope with her anxiety about it.  As her father, my challenge was to recognize and affirm that.  The worst affirmation would have been to give her the message that her fears should be her main focus, or imply that life is just one long series of anxieties. Or, that her task was to endure the fears and sadness, but without any spirit of fun or adventure to trump them.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t so aware of any of that at the time.  But maybe the Magic Quarter help ease her anxieties, and  — if she was “on” to it, as I suspected — opened the door to her drawing on her own budding “adult” capacities.

Alfred North Whitehead once wrote that youth is “life as yet untouched by tragedy.”  Well, youth seems to end awfully early these days, in our world.  Like many, my daughter has traversed her own ups and downs as she moved into her adult years.  But her medical crisis did resolve…without any “magic.”

She did keep that Magic Quarter for several years, in a little box along with other coins and items accumulated through childhood and adolescence.  As in Chris Van Allstein’s classic children’s book, The Polar Express, when the child eventually became unable to hear the Christmas bell that only children could hear, eventually she could no longer tell – or cared — which quarter had once been the “magic” one.

Just as it should be.

That memory came to mind recently, while reading two recent New York Times articles about loss and love.  They appeared on the same day, and reflected two very different kinds of life events. Yet I think they go together, in a way.

One was the “Modern Love” column in Sunday Styles, titled “Affirmation, Etched in Vinyl,” by Connie May Fowler.  It was about the loss of her father from a heart attack, when she was six years old. Both parents appear flawed, apparently alcoholic.  But Fowler describes her mother as having been intent on portraying her father as malignant.  She writes that

“…most of what I knew of him came from my mother, who considered him the embodiment of evil.”

And most significantly,

“…My father’s death stole many things from me, including the sound of his voice.”

Ever since, she had longed to be able to know and hear what his voice sounded like.  Well, it turns out that her father had somewhat of a career as a country and western singer.

“The lack of any memory of my father’s true living voice was all the more perplexing to me because before my birth, my father, Henry May, had enjoyed a reasonably successful run as a country-western musician. He had a television show in Jacksonville, Fla. He and his band, Henry May and his Rhythm Ramblers, were a major draw all along Florida’s northeast coast.”

In her essay, Fowler describes her search for a record that he had made along the way, as she looked in old record bins and on e-bay, over the years.  Then, one day, she received a message from a stranger who had learned of her search and, in fact, had a copy of her father’s record in his possession. At last, she might be able to hear his voice.  Here’s Fowler’s full story.

The other essay is “First Love, Once Removed,” by Lee Montgomery.  It describes a drop-in visit by the son of her first lover, with whom she had many romantic and adventurous experiences in her early youth, during the 1970s.

“When I think of Ian, I think of endless days hanging out in the woods and fields around our New England prep schools, sucking dope out of a metal chamber pipe. Ian showed me the world and taught me to live in it. New York City. The Great West. And Europe, where we lived for several months during his first college year abroad. He was socially connected and wealthy, two things I was not. For a long time, it didn’t matter.”

Eventually, their relationship ended.  No surprise, for two 18 year-olds.  She went on with her life, married, began a career.  He inherited money, married

“… had no career that I knew of and shot himself when he was in his 30s.”

The son, quite young at the time his father committed suicide, was now about the age Montgomery when she and his father were lovers.  He had dropped by her office hoping to hear some stories of what his father was like.  Montgomery’s essay describes how fresh and alive the memories felt to her, as she drew into them and spoke with her young lover’s son about his father:

“Sitting across a booth studying this young man, I was overwhelmed. So many years later, I was stunned to find the feeling of first love still there.”

The full article is here.

To me, these two essays read like bookends.  Both portray the enduring loss of love and connection and how it affects us, permanently.  No matter whether it comes from a child’s loss of a parent, from the ending of an adult love relationship at any age; or from an unexpected death.  Or, for that matter, if the loss results from something you did that harmed or damaged a relationship that was important to you. None of those experiences can be undone.  Their legacy becomes woven into the larger tapestry of your life, where it remains, even as that tapestry expands over time.

And that’s what brought to mind the old tree trunk.  Damaged where the lightning had struck, I noticed that the trunk had continued to grow around it and gradually encompassed the damaged part within it.  It was like ourselves: Even if we continue to grow and change, learn from our experiences and continue on with our lives, our losses nevertheless remains part of us…. always there, a visible, enduring part of our lives.

Well, OK, but take it back from what? And to what?

Well first, I think that many of those drawn to the Tea Party are genuinely concerned about the rising scope and size of government and want lower taxes.  Some have become fired up with rage about that (while also, of course, wanting to keep all the benefits and support that Big Government provides, as Louisiana Gov.Jindel recently discovered).

And some are so fired up that they just want to get rid of everybody on the Hill and the inhabitant of the White House – all those who are taking our country in the “wrong” direction.

But let’s take a look at what the Tea Party’s dominant ideology includes, with respect to what it thinks is the wrong course; what they advocate it it’s place; and, especially, what the Republican party is embracing as it bends over backwards to drink from the Tea Party’s cup (sorry for the mixed metaphors.)

Take Utah Republicans.  There’s a movement afoot to repeal the 17^th Amendment.  Having trouble remembering which one that is?  Well, it’s the one that gives people the right to vote for and select their Senators.  That’s right – elect their Senators.  Taking away that right is a favorite of Tea Party supporters, and they’re getting Republicans to join with them.

It gets better.  On the other side of the country, the Republican Party of Maine has adopted some Tea Party proposals of its own. It’s official platform calls for the elimination of the Department of Education and the Federal Reserve; demands an investigation of “collusion between government and industry in the global warming myth;” insists that “healthcare is not a right;” calls for the abrogation of the “UN Treaty on Rights of the Child” and the “Law Of The Sea Treaty;” and says we must resist “efforts to create a one world government.”  There’s more.  If you’re interested, here’s the whole thing.

The Maine Politics blog calls the official platform for the Republican Party of Maine “a mix of right-wing fringe policies, libertarian buzzwords and outright conspiracy theories.” It quotes Dan Billings, who’s served as an attorney for the Maine GOP, describing the new platform as “wack job pablum” and “nutcase stuff.”

In contrast to the claims of Tea Partiers around the country, Washington Post columnist E.J.Dionne has pointed out some actual facts.  He writes:

“…there was evidence on Tuesday that there are limits to the anti-government mood that is supposedly sweeping the country.  In Arizona — nobody’s idea of a liberal state — voters supported a temporary increase in the sales tax from 5.6 to 6.6 cents on the dollar, to raise $1 billion annually. This, coupled with a large tax increase on businesses and high-income earners endorsed by voters in Oregon earlier this year, suggests a pragmatic electorate that is far less reflexively opposed to taxes or government than Tea Party cheerleaders would have us believe.

He also points out that:

The most significant result for the fall was the Democrats’ success in holding the western Pennsylvania House seat left vacant by the death of John Murtha. Democrat Mark Critz won an impressive nine-point victory over Republican Tim Burns by distancing himself from Obama and liberal positions on guns and abortion, but also by running a relentlessly economic populist message on jobs and outsourcing.

Circling back to the rising star Rand Paul, the new candidate has also made it clear that he opposes the Civil Rights Act.  That’s the Act that most of the then-Republicans voted for, back in the days when Republicans were strong supporters of civil rights, back before the party morphed into a bastion of right-wing mostly southern white men.  Paul emphasizes that opposing the Civil Rights Act is not racist.  Go figure.

If you look at some hard data about what is, in fact, transforming our society, in contrast with what the Tea Party sees, it’s hard not to conclude that their appeal is to a small number of people and will remain a fringe movement.

Sometimes we become so convinced of our own convictions, when they are shared by others, that we seduce ourselves into seeing a movement that will transform the world.  There’s a long history to such delusions.

The sad consequence for our two-party system is that the Republican Party is allowing itself to upend it’s own principles and ideals as it tries to capture this “movement,” and thus risks marching into oblivion.

Meet Linda and Jim, who consulted me for psychotherapy.  Linda is a lawyer with a large firm; Jim heads a major trade association.  They told me they’re totally committed to their marriage and to being good parents.  But they also said it’s pretty hectic juggling all their responsibilities at work and at home They have two children of their own plus a child from her former marriage. Dealing with the logistics of daily life, to say nothing of the emotional challenges, makes it “hard just to come up for air,” Linda said.  Sound familiar?

Or listen to Bill, a 43-year-old who initially consulted me for help with some career challenges.  Before long, he acknowledged that he’s worried about the “other side” of life. He’s raising two teenage daughters and a younger son by himself – one of the rising numbers of single fathers.  He’s constantly worried about things like whether a late meeting might keep him at work. He tries to have some time for himself, but “it’s hard enough just staying in good physical health, let alone being able to have more of a ‘life,’ ” he said. Recently, he learned he has hypertension.

It’s no surprise that these people, like many I see both in my psychotherapy practice and my workplace consulting, feel pummeled by stresses in their work and home lives. Most are aware, at least dimly, that this is unhealthy – that stress damages the body, mind and spirit. Ten years ago, a report from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, found that 70 percent of all illness, physical and mental, is linked to stress of some kind.  And that number has probably increased over the last decade.  Much of this stress comes from struggling with the pressures of work and home – and trying to “balance” both. The problem seems nearly universal, whether in two-worker, single-parent or childless households.

I think these conflicts are so common because people have learned to frame the problem incorrectly to begin with. That is, there’s no way to balance work life and home life, because both exist on the same side of the scale – what I call your “outer” life. On the other side of the scale is your personal, private life – your “inner” life. Instead of thinking about how to balance work life and home life, try, instead, to balance your outer life and inner life.

The Other Balancing Act

Let me explain. On the outer side of the scale you have the complex logistics and daily stresses of life at both work and home – the e-mails to respond to, the errands, family obligations, phone calls, to-do lists and responsibilities that fill your days. Your outer life is the realm of the external, material world. It’s where you use your energies to deal with tangible, often essential things. Paying your bills, building a career, dealing with people, raising kids, doing household chores, and so on. Your outer life is on your iPhone, BlackBerry, or your e-calender.

On the other side of the scale is your internal self.  It’s the realm of your private thoughts and values.  Your emotions, fantasies, spiritual or religious practices.  Your capacity to love, your secret desires, and your deeper sense of purpose.  In short, it embodies who you are, on the inside.  A “successful” inner life is defined by how well you deal with your emotions, your degree of self-awareness , and your sense of clarity about your values and life purpose.  It includes your level of mental repose:  your capacity for calm, focused action and resiliency that you need in the face of  your frenetic, multitasking outer life.

If the realm of the inner life sounds unfamiliar or uncomfortable to you, this only emphasizes how much you – like most peple – have lost touch with your inner self.  You can become so depleted and stretched by dealing with your outer life that there’s little time to tend to your mind, spirit or body. Then, you identify your “self” mostly with who you are in that outer realm. And when there’s little on the inner side of the scale, the outer part weighs you down. You are unbalanced, unhappy and often sick.

When your inner life is out of balance with your outer, you become more vulnerable to stress, and that’s related to a wide range of physical damage.  Research shows that heart attacks, stroke, hypertension, diabetes, a weakened immune system, skin disorders, asthma, migraine, musculoskeletal problems – all are linked to stress.

More broadly, when your inner and outer lives become unbalanced, your daily functioning is affected in a range of ways, both subtle and overt. When operating in the outer world – at work, for example, or in dealings with your spouse or partner – you may struggle with unjustified feelings of insecurity and fear. You may find yourself at the mercy of anger or greed whose source you don’t understand. You may be plagued with indecisiveness or revert to emotional “default” positions forged during childhood, such as submissiveness, rebellion or self-undermining behavior.

Even when you’re successful in parts of your outer life, neglecting the inner remains hazardous to your psychological and physical health. Without a developed inner life, you lose the capacity to regulate, channel and focus your energies with awareness, self-direction and judgment.  Personal relationships can suffer, your health may deteriorate and you become vulnerable to looking for new stimulation from the outer-world sources you know best – maybe a new “win,” a new lover, drugs or alcohol.

And that pulls you even more off-balance, possibly to the point of no return. The extreme examples are people who destroy their outward success with behavior that reflects a complete disengagement from their inner lives – corporate executives led away in handcuffs for indulging in ill-gotten gains, self-destructive sports stars overcome by the trappings of their outer-life successes, political leaders whose flawed personal lives destroy their credibility, clerics who are staunch moralists at the pulpit but sexual predators or adulterers behind closed doors.

These are our modern-day counterparts of Shakespearian characters like Macbeth or Coriolanus, whose “outer” lives are toppled over by unconscious aims, destructive arrogance or personal corruption.

Of course, most people want to function well in the outer, material world.  Doing so is part of a successful adult life.  But what you choose to go after in work and life often reflects values and behavior that you’ve been socially conditioned into through your family and society.  Much of that can be hard to see because you’re immersed in it.  What gets lost along the way is what your inner life might tell you about the consequences and value of what you pursue in your outer life.

But there’s good news: Reframing your challenge from trying to balance work and home to balancing your inner and outer lives will help you build overall health, internal well-being and resilience in your pursuit of outer life success.

That is, servicing your inner life builds  healthy, positive control over your life —  mastery and self-directed action, not suppression or rationalization.   A stronger inner life creates a solid moral core and harmonizes your inner and outer selves.  It informs your choices and actions by providing the calm and centeredness essential for knowing what demands or allures of the outer world you want to go after, or let pass; and how to deal with the consequences of either.

For example, clarifying which of the personal commitments, career goals and relationships you want or don’t want.   Whether this job or career is what you really desire, despite the money it pays or what people tell you that you should want.  And, whether you believe that your  relationship gives you and your partner the kind of positive, energized connection you want and need.

In short, a strengthened inner live brings your “private self” and your “public self” into greater harmony. That’s the foundation you need for dealing with the stress-potential of outer world choices and conflicts; for knowing how and why you’re living and using your energies out there in the ways that you do. With a robust inner life you feel grounded and anchored.  You know who you are and what you’re truly living for. Your inner life builds a state of heightened self-awareness and wholeness; a “heart that listens,” as King Solomon asked for.

Finding The Gaps

Brad was a financial consultant, noticeably underdeveloped in his inner life.  One day he came face-to-face with a classic inner-vs.-outer dilemma. For him, that triggered an important awakening.  He was debating whether to leave an out-of-town meeting early, which would create some difficulties, in order to be at home for his daughter’s 18th birthday.

I asked him the simplest question: Which choice would he be more likely to feel good about at the end of his life? Tears came to his eyes as he said that he knew in his heart that it was being at his daughter’s birthday. He told me that he felt enormously troubled by the fact that he’d been trying to rationalize away what he knew he valued more deeply.

At that moment Brad was able to see the gap between his inner life values – his true self — and the choice he was about to make based on his outer life conditioning – his false self.

His awakening to his inner-outer gaps is instructive.  A good initial step toward awakening your inner life is to identify the gaps between what you believe in, on the inside, and what you do on the outside.  Everyone has those gaps.  Here’s an exercise that can help you awaken to them:

• First, make a list of what you believe to be your core, internal values or ideals (5- 10 entries).  Perhaps it includes raising a strong, creative child; close friendships; expressing a creative talent that’s important to you. It might include your spiritual life; an intimate marriage or partnership; or contributing your talents, energies or success to the society in some way.

• Next, make a parallel list for each item on your list, describing your daily actions relative to those values: How much time and energy do you spend on them in real time? What are your specific behaviors regarding each? Be detailed in your answers – note the last time you took an action aimed at nurturing that creative child, building your marriage or giving some meaningful help to the less fortunate. Don’t be surprised or ashamed if you find that very few of your daily activities reflect those key values.

• Assign a number from 1 to 5 measuring the gap between each value and your behavior – 1 representing a minimal gap; 5, the maximum.

• Identify the largest gaps. Now think about how your inner values could redirect your outer-life choices in those areas. What would you have to do to bring the inner you in synch with the outer you? What can you commit yourself to doing?

• Write it all down and set a reasonable time frame for reducing your gaps.

Developing your inner life is a practice, like building a muscle or developing skill in a sport or musical instrument.  Look for future posts, in which  I’ll describe some practices most anyone can do to build a stronger inner life.  They involve your mind, body, spirit and actions in daily life.  You will see that the more you do, the better, because they reinforce each other.  And they contribute to building greater psychological health and resilience in today’s world.

Last June, I wrote here about why I thought he should keep on using the word empathy, not back away from it.  I have a particular interest in the subject, having written about our national “empathy deficit disorder” in The Washington Post a few years ago — and which I recently updated on my Psychology Today blog.  During last year’s Supreme Court nomination process, critics distorted what empathy is.  It’s  actually the capacity to experience what another person experiences.  It’s what gives you the capacity for wisdom, perspective and sound judgment; not bias or distortion or being bamboozled into the other’s point of view.

Nevertheless, as Obama decides who to nominate as Justice Stevens’ replacement, it’s like Yogi Berra said: “It’s déjà vu, all over again.”

To wit: A recent article in  The New York Times asks if  Obama is looking for empathy “by another name.”  The piece, by Peter Baker, points out that

A year after Mr. Obama made “empathy” one of his main criteria in picking his first Supreme Court justice, he is avoiding the word, which became radioactive, as he picks his second nominee. Instead, he says he wants someone with “a keen understanding of how the law affects the daily lives of the American people.”

Baker goes on to say,

The issue is more than semantic. …The president emphasizes that while adhering to the rule of law, judges should also be able to see life through the eyes of those who come before the bench. His critics call that a prescription for twisting decisions to reach a desired outcome…..

The dispute became so contentious last year that even Mr. Obama’s nominee for the court, Sonia Sotomayor, disavowed the notion of empathy during hearings before her confirmation, saying that “judges can’t rely on what’s in their heart.”

In the same vein, Lee Epstein, a constitutional scholar at the Northwestern University School of Law, said in the Times piece, “You hear ‘empathy’ and you don’t think impartiality, judicial temperament.”

And getting right to the “heart” (whoops, sorry!) of the matter,

Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama, the senior Republican on the Judiciary Committee. “It seems to be calling again for judges to be less committed to fidelity to the law and calling for them to reach decisions that somehow endeavor to decide who ought to win.”

All of this posturing should be exposed for the ignorance and manipulation it contains, and presented in hopes that the public will buy it.  We need to emphasize why empathy is a plus, an inborn capacity, and the basis of healing the serious wounds in our global society, as Jeremy Rifkin has written in The Empathic Civilization.  But as far as the relevance of empathy to the Supreme Court issue, The Nation’s  Katrina vanden Heuvel, writing in The Washington Post, put it in proper context:

Is it better to have a corporate stooge on the bench than someone capable of understanding how his or her decisions will affect 300 million fellow citizens? Better to have a biased judge than a humane one, a dishonest justice instead of one who’s insightful?  It… goes to show how hysterical those critics have become about empathy.

It’s sad and discouraging to witness fear-fueled distortions coming from elected officials and others.  I hope that President Obama returns to his well-founded support for empathy as a criteria.  It’s especially important at this time in our history when we need more, not less empathy, not only in a Supreme Court justice, but in our society at large, to help face and solve major problems that confront us – economically, socially, psychologically.  As I wrote previously, in the Bible King Solomon asked God for “a heart that listens.” Notice that he didn’t ask for “a head that thinks.” There’s a reason: The head – repository of the mind – is more akin to a processor of information within a logical framework and sequence; like a computer program. It uses reason without context or “real world” judgment.

In contrast, the heart symbolizes the repository of wisdom; of judgment. And that’s based on the accumulation of life experience, broadened perspectives, and tested values, including the consequences of the behavior they generate. Overall, it derives from a leavened character.

Empathy is central to judgment and wisdom. It’s the capacity to step outside of yourself and experience the world of the other from the inside, so to speak. It’s different from sympathy, which is based on identifying with something another person experiences; that is, relating it to your own self. For example, “I feel sympathetic to her situation because that’s what I felt when it happened to me.”

But suppose you can’t relate it to your own experience? That’s where empathy is critical, because it means stepping inside the mindset and emotional experience of the other person. With that immersion, you can make more judicious, fair, and wise assessments in relation to your actions — whether towards friend, foe, or someone who’s neither.

In the Bible, God grants Solomon’s request, in the form of “wisdom in your heart.” Note He didn’t say, “wisdom in your head.” He gave him “discernment in administering justice.” Further, it was said that the whole world sought audience with Solomon to hear the wisdom that God had put in his heart.

The Right is trying to redefine empathy to mean — at best — personal emotional preferences; at worst, irrational emotion that drives behavior. Using this shift, they then advocate “fact-based” judgments, devoid of anything “emotional.” They are wrong in both efforts.

If an important matter in your life was being adjudicated, would you rather come before someone with a developed capacity for empathy, and who can access it in the service of administering justice; or, someone following a flow-chart of logical sequence as the basis for deciding the proper administration of justice?

There’s nothing “wrong” with it, exactly. But the excitement and energy, the feelings of connection and passion that were once there have gradually faded over the years.  “The old feelings haven’t exactly disappeared,” Nora says. “Now and then it feels something like it used to. But mostly it feels like our relationship has ‘flatlined.’”

Another person, David, recently celebrated the eleventh anniversary of his second marriage.  He describes a similar shift a bit more sardonically, saying that his relationship has settled into a state of “depressing comfortableness.”  He’s thought about having an affair.

If these laments sound familiar to you, it’s likely because most men and women find that their long-term marriages (I’m defining “marriage” to describe all committed relationships, straight or gay) tend to head south over time.

Gradually, they descend into what I call the Functional Relationship.

Most people think it’s inevitable, but there’s a unique way to liberate yourself from it.  It’s learning to “leave” your relationship in order to transform it.  You do that through becoming “indifferent.”

First, let’s look at what typically happens in the Functional Relationship.  The relationship continues to “work” fairly well, but mostly in a transactional way, around the logistics of daily life: “I thought you were taking the car in for repair.” “Whose turn is it to take the kids to soccer practice on Saturday?”

Sometimes, it becomes more adversarial: “Why did you schedule the plumber for tomorrow when you knew you couldn’t be here? I told you that I have a meeting I can’t miss.”

But even when “functioning” goes fairly smoothly, feelings of passion or even fun just hanging out together diminish, especially in contrast to how it felt early on in the relationship.  As I’ve studied contemporary marriages in our post-9-11/post-economic meltdown-world of the 21st Century, I find that couples experience this diminishment in three main ways:

• Decreased emotional intimacy and sharing of feelings.
• Less equality in decisions and daily interactions, which are often tinged by power-struggles and silent maneuvering for the “upper hand.”
• And dampened sexuality, both in quantity and quality.

A note about that third item: Even when arousal is jacked up by Viagra or the new products purporting to enhance women’s desire, your libido — desire for the person you’re with — remains diminished.  That’s no surprise, because the latter is relationship-dependent. It remains unaffected even if you’re physiologically able to become aroused.

Overall, couples in a Functional Relationship report a diminished sense of connection with each other.  Sometimes it’s a feeling of not being on the same wave-length.

Most people assume that the Functional Relationship is completely “normal;” just a sad reality of adult life. Some are resigned to it as just one more part of the “long slide home,” as one 47-year-old journalist described his experience of midlife. Of course, not everyone feels so bleak, but many would agree with this woman’s lament about her 18-year relationship: “What was once a bright flame has turned into a pilot light.”

You, too probably assume that romantic and sexual connections are supposed to fade over time. Common sense seems to tell you so. After all, you’re seeing the same person day-in and day-out, not just when he or she is most attractive.  And like the majority of couples today, you’re probably dealing with the impact of multitasking, dual-career lives. Raising children in addition absorbs enormous time and energy.  Just trying to carry on in this uncertain, unpredictable world adds another huge layer of stress.

If everyday experience doesn’t convince you that the Functional Relationship is inevitable, there are the pronouncements of various experts. For example, some researchers claim that brain chemicals such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine, associated with sexual excitement or desire, decline with familiarity. At the same time, oxytocin and endorphins, which generate feelings of quiet comfort and calm, rise. Therefore, they say, you are going to feel diminished desire for your partner over time.

Many marriage and relationship experts advocate just accepting this decline and learning to be happy with it. For example, in her  book Surrendering to Marriage Iris Krasnow advocates learning to appreciate and live with the security and comfort that come along with the “inevitable” decline — unless, of course, you want to go down the slippery slope of an affair, or dumping your partner altogether and look for a new one.   It’s easy to think it’s best to stop complaining about what you don’t have and learn to live with lowered expectations.

If all of the above is really true, then you’d better resign yourself to the fact that a “passionate marriage” is an oxymoron.

But before you do that, consider this: Descending into the Functional Relationship is neither natural nor inevitable.  True, the experience is widespread. But most people descend into the Functional Relationship because it’s the natural outcome of how you learn to engage in love relationships to begin with.  As I wrote in a previous post, it’s a version of adolescent romance. Its features — like intense arousal by a new person; infatuation, often followed by deflation; manipulating and game-playing, are part of normal adolescent development. But we carry them into our adult experience. And  that model of love can’t sustain long-term connection and vitality.

Becoming “Indifferent”

Through my research and clinical work I’ve been discovering how and why some people defy the norm and generate new energy and vitality within their long-term relationships. I’m convinced that there’s a way out of the Functional Relationship. There’s even a way to avoid it altogether.  I call it the art of Creative Indifference.

It’s the alternative to constantly trying make your relationship work better through finding the latest  technique; the alternative to responding and reacting to your partner in ways that have become habitual or frustratingly repetitive, convinced that you are “right.” All of those kinds of behavior drain energy and keep you locked within the Functional Relationship.

Through Creative Indifference you learn to disengage from your relationship in ways that circle back to  revitalize it.   It doesn’t mean you stop caring about your partner or your relationship. To the contrary, Creative Indifference is a way to become less reactive to your own and your partner’s behavior. It opens the door to positive change.  Ultimately it helps you care in a deeper, more genuine way.

The indifference you build is towards your own internal emotional reactions and habitual responses, especially in situations in which you typically feel disappointed, defensive or critical towards your partner.  That is, most tend to see things through the lens of your own needs, hurts, or conviction that you’re “right.” This reflects the narrowest part of the self, your ego-self.  It’s the narrow vantage point that tends to predominate in your perceptions and actions.

For example, maintaining resentments and disappointments in your partner’s “failure” to provide you with what you want. Or, negative emotions resulting from the conviction that you’re “right” and your partner is “wrong” regarding some issue of disagreement or difference.

With Creative Indifference you observe your internal reactions – recognizing them as learned, conditioned responses — but without acting upon them. You observe your partner’s behavior in the same way.  And you step back from both.

That is, you separate who you are — what you think, feel, and believe — from who your partner is.  You separate your own internal “reality” from that of your partner’s. This begins to fuel greater respect for each of you as separate, individual people.

Mary and Joe

An example: One night after dinner Joe’s wife, Mary’s brought him a list of some domestic things that had piled up and required some decisions and logistical arrangements. She wanted to resolve all of the items — right then and right there.  That’s her style.

In fact, Mary tends to become anxious about things that feel  “out of control.” On his part, Joe tends to react defensively and passive-aggressively when Mary reminds him about things he had agreed to do but keeps putting off. This becomes their dance, in which Joe sees Mary as always nagging; and Mary fumes at Joe’s unreliability.

For example, Joe might make promises, but fail to “remember” to take care of them. Mary then becomes angry and distrusting.  She shows it, very clearly.  In response, Joe withdraws and sees more evidence that she’s a constant nag.  Each of their individual issues reinforces the other’s through this little minuet.

But this time something different occurred. Using Creative Indifference Joe first observed his usual internal response to Mary – resentment, feelings of being controlled, that she’s a shrew, and so forth. He then stepped outside of this perspective — he didn’t deny it to himself;  just acknowledged it as a part of his own individual conditioning, the residue of old childhood issues, and so on.

He then imagined looking at himself from Mary’s perspective, and then from an even broader perspective of watching the two of them together, like in a movie.  This enabled him to see her anxiety, without his own reactivity. He saw that her reactions were simply her issues. With Creative Indifference to his old emotions and behavior, he refrained from engaging in those old ways.

From that perspective Joe could feel some empathy for Mary’s experience.  He recognized that his own tendency to put things off triggered her issues, her vulnerabilities.  This enabled him to create a more positive response. He told her that he understood how frustrating it is for her to not know when these items will be taken care of.  This acknowledged her anxiety and need without agreeing with their “validity.” Then, he gave her a time-frame that he could commit to, within the context of his own needs and schedule.   He observed but didn’t react to his old feelings that he would have to  “give in.”

He knew that Mary might not like his response, but, maintaining indifference to her reactivity, he stayed consistent with who he wanted to be in that moment — respectful of her issues, but very clear about himself. No anger, no retaliation, no submission.

“OK, I’m glad you told me,” Mary replied. “Now I feel we’re making progress.”

With Creative Indifference you’re not trying to get a particular response from your partner; nor acting with self-righteousness about yourself. This keeps the ball in your partner’s court because you’re not defending yourself, attacking, or trying to persuade him or her that you are “right.”

From that position of indifference you then demonstrate the kind of person you wish to be, at that moment, regardless of how your partner is behaving.  That is, envision  qualities in your relationship that you’d like to see grow — such as openness, warmth, or eroticism; closeness and respect, rather than distance or annoyance.  Start demonstrating those qualities yourself.  Inject them into your relationship, unilaterally.

Here are a few practices for building indifference in your relationship:

Expand your perception: Practice looking at yourself and your relationship from the “outside,” as though you’re watching the two of you interact in a movie or play. Use creative thinking to imagine ways you might interpret the “action” from a larger perspective.

Step outside your own ego-focus: You may be convinced that your own perception of reality is the correct one.   But that keeps you locked inside your head.  Consider, instead, that you may be only partially right; or even wrong, altogether. What would a broader understanding of your situation look like?

Step into your partner’s point of view: Use your imagination to view things from your partner’s perspective, even though you may totally disagree with it, or believe it’s “wrong.” Think of your partner as simply being him/herself; just as you are. Envision yourself from your partner’s viewpoint, without feeling you have to change your own. What new information does that give you?

Practicing Creative Indifference helps you let go of your focus on your own self — on getting your “needs” met; your resentments or disappointments about how your partner behaves; your own reactivity to what he or she is reactive to. All of those are products of your “ego-self,” which is distorted and narrow, by definition.

Disengaging from your ego-self while expand your perceptions — emotionally and cognitively — activates the realization that both you and your partner share legitimate concerns, desires and vulnerabilities.  They are part of your common humanness.  That, in turn, allows you to hone in on what best serves the relationship between the two of you, rather than the ego-driven needs of either one of you.

Couples find it Creative Indifference revitalizing because it disrupts the entrenched pattern.  It enables you to see your partner more as he or she really is — a whole being, not just a source of providing  – or withholding  – your needs.  It helps you realize that differences between you can be stimulating rather than frightening or disappointing.

You can never make your partner change or be different. You can only change how you deal with, respond to, and conduct yourself towards him or her. That’s what I meant at the beginning of this post about “leaving” your relationship in order to transform it.

In Part I of “Becoming Sane in a Turbulent, Interconnected, Unpredictable World,” I wrote about why you need a new kind of emotional resiliency for success and well-being in today’s world.  Here, I’ll extend those thoughts about resiliency to psychological health in general.  Just as we need to redefine resiliency, I think we need to reformulate what a psychologically healthy adult looks like in this transformed world.  Here are my ideas about that:

Throughout most of the last century, adult psychological health has been largely equated with good management and coping skills: Managing stress within your work and personal life; and effective coping with or resolution of whatever emotional conflicts you brought with you into adulthood – and we all bring along some.

So, in your work that might include being clear about your career goals, and working your way up a fairly predictable set of steps to achieve power, recognition and financial success – all the things that we’ve equated with adult maturity and mental health.

At home, it would mean forming a long-term relationship that withstands the power struggles and other differences that often lead to affairs or even divorce.  You would assume that the healthy adult doest that via compromise at best, or disguised manipulation at worst.  In addition, you would accept “normal” decline of intimate connection and vitality over time.

But the fallout from the worldwide upheaval over the last few years have turned all those criteria of health upside down.  To be clear, it’s important to be able to manage conflicts that could derail your career or personal life.  But doing that isn’t enough to ensure future success, sanity or well-being in this turbulent and highly interdependent world we now live in.

Massive, interconnected forces within this globalized, unpredictable world add a host of new emotional and behavioral challenges to living a psychologically healthy, well-functioning and fulfilling life.

I deal with the fallout almost daily: People who’ve functioned pretty well in the past, but now feel as if they’re standing on tectonic plates shifting beneath them. Despite their best efforts, they struggle with mounting anxiety about the future of their own and their children’s lives, and confusion about their values and life purpose.

There’s the former Wall Street financial executive who told me he’d always defined himself by “making it through the next end zone” in his career, working long hours to ensure financial success. Now, as his company – and career – crumbled, he found that in addition to sacrificing time with his family, he had sacrificed his health: He has diabetes and high blood pressure. “Kind of a reverse ‘deal-flow,’ ” he lamented to me.

And the management consultant, pressured to ratchet up her travel to keep her career on track. “I’d been coping with everything, I thought,” she told me, “though I don’t like needing Zoloft to do it.” Instead of her career becoming more predictable as she gained seniority, her career propelled her into an even wilder ride. “Now I don’t have enough time for my daughter or my husband,” she said. “What kind of life is this? . . . My husband’s checked out, emotionally. And what am I teaching my daughter?”

Or the lawyer, who’d prided himself on “eating what I kill, and I’m a good killer.” He told me he has “more money than I ever dreamed of,” but also says that, “secretly, I hate what I do for a living.” But what’s the alternative, he asks, without “looking like a dysfunctional failure if I opt out?” After a failed marriage, he entered therapy and had begun to realize how his father’s unfulfilled dreams of “success” have impacted his own life — when suddenly his father died. “I’m in a tailspin,” he says; depressed and confused about what his own purpose in life is.

All of these people were on the kinds of life paths they expected would bring them predictable rewards. But counting on that linear upward climb is now hazardous to your mental health.

In fact, following that old path can make you more vulnerable to dysfunction and disturbance in the days ahead.  That’s a prime reason for building the new pro-active resiliency that I wrote about.  It provides a necessary foundation for what you need going forward.

Life In A Changing World

To better understand the mental health impact of what’s been happening in people’s lives, let’s look at it in a bit more detail.  Men and women are discovering — often painfully — that the emotional attitudes, goals and behavior they thought would lead to successful, fulfilling and psychologically healthy lives suddenly leave them at a loss. They’re faced with new psychological challenges posed by the globalized, environmentally fragile, diverse and unpredictable new environment.  And they don’t know how to respond.

We’ve all become starkly aware that unforeseen circumstances can create widespread turmoil in all sorts of ways. For example, the actions of some mortgage lenders in the U.S. triggered worldwide economic turmoil and upheaval that began in the fall of 2008 and has affected everyone’s lives. Entirely new global business paradigms can create upstart competitors or put you out of business. Turbulent shifts in weather patterns, water and food shortages, and civil strife resulting from climate change impact everyone.  And the threat of terrorism is a scary backdrop in everybody’s lives.

It’s as if we’ve all been deposited in the Brad Pitt movie “Babel,” in which the inadvertent actions of two goat-herding boys have tragic consequences for lives on three continents. Welcome to the “butterfly effect,” where a small change somewhere far away can produce far-ranging consequences. That’s part of the “new normal.”

Moreover, the interconnected world impacts us in other ways, as well:  People become almost instantly aware of human rights violations or natural disasters wherever they occur.  Not to mention personally embarrassing moments that become instantly available thanks to Google and YouTube. And, if you wish, your moment-to-moment activities are available around globe through your Facebook and Twitter posts.

Other examples of the transformed world include companies shifting to green business, because the impact of climate change has highlighted the need for sustainable business practices, in order to stay competitive in a shifting global economy. More broadly, a new business model that combines financial success with serving the common good receives increasing attention.  It’s been raised in discussion at a recent World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland and promoted by singer-social activist Bono and other social entrepreneurs.

These are among the many features of our “non-equilibrium world.”  They have the potential to impact your career and relationships in major ways; and, therefore, your mental health.

The latter impact is visible in the workplace, in which the management and business culture is increasingly unpredictable. The new conditions require you to be more pro-active, innovative and creative on behalf of your own career development; and not take anything for granted.

At the same time, both younger and older workers say they want their work to have impact on something larger and more meaningful than just their own personal gain, but without giving that up, either.  And outside of work, men and women increasingly seek relationships of respect, mutuality and authenticity, regardless of whether they take the form of traditional marriage.

All of these shifts create new challenges for your psychological health. Just trying to “cope” with stress isn’t enough. Trying to “balance” work and life doesn’t work very well. Nor does managing your emotional conflicts from childhood help you find the healthiest ways to deal with new conflicts brought about by our interconnected world.

In subsequent posts on this theme of “Becoming Sane…” I’ll explain why our 20^th Century understanding of psychological health is unable to support positive human development in our 21^st Century world.  And, in contrast, what you can do to build psychological health in this new era.

Now I’m not an economist (see former Undersecretary of Commerce Ev Ehrlich’s blog for such matters).  But I started thinking about Bernanke’s comments — and the reactions from some Republicans and assorted “anti-tax patriots” who came out with guns blazing (metaphorically….so far) — from a psychological perspective.  I find some psychological attitudes and ideology about the role of individuals in society driving the reactions to what Bernanke raised.  They’re visible as well in the angry, hostile response to the health care legislation and, more broadly, the fear and loathing of “government takeover.”

Here’s what Bernanke said:

“These choices are difficult, and it always seems easier to put them off — until the day they cannot be put off anymore. But unless we as a nation demonstrate a strong commitment to fiscal responsibility, in the longer run we will have neither financial stability nor healthy economic growth.”  And, “To avoid large and ultimately unsustainable budget deficits, the nation will ultimately have to choose among higher taxes, modifications to entitlement programs such as Social Security and Medicare, less spending on everything else from education to defense, or some combination of the above.”

In The Washington Post story reporting Bernanke’s speech, writers Neil Irwin and Lori Montgomery point out that:

“…the economic downturn — with tumbling tax revenue, aggressive stimulus spending and rising safety-net payments such as unemployment insurance — has driven already large budget deficits to their highest level relative to the economy since the end of World War II. This has fueled public concern over how long the United States can sustain its fiscal policies.

The upshot of what we’re facing appears to be this: Our current way of life is unsustainable.  So what’s a possible remedy, according to Bernanke and others?  Raising taxes, not lowering them.  Cuts in Medicare benefits.  Raising the retirement age.  And bringing rising health care costs down.  To  do any or all of that requires a different mentality about our responsibility and obligations to others in our society.  And it’s not pleasant.  That’s the psychology part.

That is, we’re highly attached to the ideology that we are and should be separate, isolated individuals; that each of us should look out for one’s own self-interest.  And we define that largely by material acquisition and money.  Hence, opposition to “redistribution” of wealth, even though that’s exactly what we do via taxes that support all the services that we expect society to give us.  We also define our self-interest as psychologically healthy, mature, even; the hallmark of a succesful life.  Those that don’t do as well are not my problem.

Except now they are:  We’ve been hit with the reality that our world is so interconnected that someone else’s “problem” is also our own.  To consider subordinating some of our personal wants and goals for the larger common good feels foreign and frightening.  Yet that’s exactly what we’re faced with doing. It begins with shifting our mental perspectives towards recognizing that we’re all in the same boat — not just we Americans, but all of us in this global community.  And it means stimulating the emotional counterpart of that perspective — the hard-wired capacity for empathy.  And then, making the sacrifices that result from embracing the new realities.  The economic collapse has made the need for those shifts very apparent.  We’re faced with learning to sacrifice in ways that we’re not used to doing, in order to thrive as individuals and a society in the world as it now exists.

But such shifts meet with strong, ingrained resistance and denial.  They’re fueled  by unrealistic, almost delusional notions that pursuing self-interest at all costs will lead to success and well-being. So, for example, Republicans pounced on the suggestion of increasing taxes.  They also went after remarks by Paul A. Volcker earlier this week, who spoke very directly in favor of higher taxes.  He said that the U.S. might have to consider a European-style sales tax, known as a value-added tax, to close the budget gap.  He said “If at the end of the day we need to raise taxes, we should raise taxes.”

That’s a pretty direct, unvarnished statement of reality.  But Republicans accused Obama of plotting a big tax hike, for nefarious purposes.  ”To make up for the largest levels of spending and deficits in modern history, the Administration is laying the foundation for a large, misguided new tax, a first-time American VAT.” Sen. Charles E. Grassley said in a statement.

Onward goes the struggle between facing reality and dealing with it, or not facing it….and still having to deal with it

It’s becoming clear that our understanding of emotional resilience – what it is and how to achieve it — (and, more broadly, psychological health)  doesn’t mesh very well with today’s realities. Conventional descriptions of resilience and pathways to mental health don’t enable you to handle the challenges and stresses we face in the 21st Century.

Let me explain. Resilience is generally defined as the ability to cope successfully with misfortune or traumatic events. Being able to bounce back from adversity and keep on going. What helps you do that includes, for example, reviewing your strengths, focusing on positive thoughts and feelings, learning stress management, looking down the road to what you can manage better. And, by getting psychotherapy and medication when you’re unable to bounce back very well on your own.

Prior to the 21st Century, that view of resiliency and how to build it was more relevant than today. The adversity and disruptions you were likely to experience were more stable, in a sense. The world was more predictable, more linear, with respect to the kinds of stresses and disruptions that would occur – as emotionally troubling as they might be.

Most of our thinking about emotional resilience and healthy functioning, then, fits a world in which unanticipated negative events are fairly predictable. They follow a fairly understandable course, following which you can reasonably anticipate a return to some form of previous stability. In that world, wars eventually ended. The economy went through recessions, then recovered. You might suffer a career or relationship setback but could assume that there was a path to recovery.

That notion of resilience and the ways to build it remain an important foundation for mental health. But they don’t help so much when you’re faced with the challenges of today’s environment. That’s because the very notion of resilience and the strategies for bouncing back are reactive. They focus on responding to something that happens to you, rather than on what you need to be doing proactively, as part of your way of life.

Starting with 9-11, and especially since the economic meltdown that began in the fall of 2008, we’ve been living in a world that’s rapidly transforming beneath our feet. Today’s world is an interconnected, interdependent, diverse, unpredictable and unstable global community. And that’s created new psychological challenges for everyone, challenges that require a highly proactive mentality.

Without it, you might feel like the woman who consulted me recently. Even before she sat down she said,  ”I don’t know whether to reach for the Prozac….or Prilosec!”

Her grim humor masked her “recession depression” and other emotional battering. She didn’t know what would help. I’ve witnessed that a great deal in the last few years: Career and financial worries or losses; the ripple effect of those upon family life; anxieties about what sort of future one’s children are headed into, especially with climate change and terrorist threats; and the increasingly polarized views about our government’s role in people’s lives. Research and clinical observation show that all of the above are taking a psychological toll on relationships, families, career expectations, and on people’s entire sense of what they’re living and working for — their life purpose.

Unfortunately, those of us in the mental health professions haven’t been much help with these issues. Most of us continue to look through the rear-view mirror at a model of resiliency and health defined by coping with and managing conflicts in relationships and the workplace; conflicts that you can bounce back from and reestablish some kind of stability…all while continuing to pursue self-interest, such as getting your needs met, your personal goals achieved, your “happiness” acquired.

But today’s world of ongoing disruptions, continuous uncertainties and insecurity has become the new normal. Seeking to bounce back to stability and focusing on self-interest, which we’ve learned to think is the pathway to success, health and well-being, isn’t the right ticket.

In short, there’s no state of equilibrium you can bounce back to. In this highly diverse, interdependent, interconnected world.  Trying to do so is a fast ticket to dysfunction and derailment. You can’t reestablish equilibrium within a constantly shifting world. But engaging these new realities in positive ways will support your success and well-being.

Research shows that you can proactively build specific emotions, thoughts and actions that are effective for adapting to life in the non-equilibrium world we now live within. That’s encouraging, because I think we’re evolving towards a new definition of psychological health via rethinking resilience.

The criteria of a new, proactive resiliency – maybe call it “prosilience – may sound contradictory because they include letting go of self-interest in your relationships and work. The new view of resilience emphasizes being flexible, open and nimble; being able to shift and redeploy your personal resources – emotional, creative, intellectual – towards positive engagement with others.

Resiliency grows from putting your energies, your values, emotional attitudes and actions in the service of the common good – something larger than just yourself. That’s what supports both success in your outside life and internal well-being. And in today’s rapidly transforming world, you need both.

In the future look for new posts about perspectives, research and actions that relate to “becoming sane in a turbulent, interconnected, turbulent world.”  Through them I hope to contribute to a revised and needed reformulation of what psychological health and resiliency are in today’s world — in all realms of life:  intimate relationships, career challenges, engagement with diverse people, and in our responsibilities as  global citizens.

…the party of trickle down and weapons of mass destruction, the party of birthers and death-panel lunatics. This is the party that genuflects at the altar of right-wing talk radio, with its insane, nauseating, nonstop commitment to hatred and bigotry.

Glenn Beck of Fox News has called President Obama a “racist” and asserted that he “has exposed himself as a guy, over and over and over again, who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture.”

Mike Huckabee, a former Republican presidential candidate, has said of Mr. Obama’s economic policies: “Lenin and Stalin would love this stuff.”

The G.O.P. poisons the political atmosphere and then has the gall to complain about an absence of bipartisanship.

And over the weekend, such civil rights leaders as John Lewis were subjected to racial slurs; Congressman Barney Franks was slammed with homophobic labels as he walked to the Capitol.  Much of this occurred with the egging on of Republican House members, shouting and sign-waving from the balcony, as they watched Tea Party members engaging in what Michael Steele described as just “stupid things” being said by “idiots.” But they aren’t.  They are statements of bigotry and racism.

The interesting thing, psychologically, is what propels this in 2010, and how pervasive such intolerance is, in our country.  I think it may be more widespread in appearance than in reality, however, though it certainly looks like the former.  And Herbert is dead-on when he writes,

…it is way past time for decent Americans to rise up against this kind of garbage, to fight it aggressively wherever it appears. And it is time for every American of good will to hold the Republican Party accountable for its role in tolerating, shielding and encouraging foul, mean-spirited and bigoted behavior in its ranks and among its strongest supporters.

I think the real trends across our culture are in opposite directions — towards greater, not lesser tolerance; towards awareness that we’re all interconnected in this globalized world, and that we rise or fall together, as a species. Demographic data and surveys increasingly show these trends.  Moreover, hate talk is nothing new.  I recall as a youngster hearing one of the “granddaddys” of bigoted talk shows, the infamous Joe Pine.  And going back to an earlier period, Father Coughlin spouted a fascist, antisemitic ideology under the guise of religion.  But these people, including members of the John Birch Society (which called President Eisenhower a communist!) were recognized by the masses as extreme, bigoted, out-of-touch with the “real America” (to borrow one of Sarah Palin’s favorite phrases).  It should be remembered that the paragon of modern political conservatism, William F. Buckley, denounced the Birchers and their ilk.

What’s changed is that today the bigots — and the showmen who use bigotry and fear as a career development strategy — have a nationwide platform via cable TV, the Internet, blogs and other media. Those broad-reaching outlets weren’t  available until recent years.  I think this gives rise to an illusion that this kind of ideology and mentality is widespread.  In fact, it may just be more widely available, and  because of that, people who are drawn to such thinking are able to for a more cohesive community of the like-minded.

The current G.O.P. bears responsibility, however,  for those who become pumped-up by extremist, fear-driven, hate-driven talk and become dangerous.  It’s allowing itself to be taken over by such thinking and its consequences.  There seems to be no room left in the G.O.P. for reasoned, conservative argument; for positions that can be articulated and serve as a basis for opposition and compromise with the majority party of Democrats.

As Herbert writes,

A party that promotes ignorance (“Just say no to global warming”) and provides a safe house for bigotry cannot serve the best interests of our country. Back in the 1960s, John Lewis risked his life and endured savage beatings to secure fundamental rights for black Americans while right-wing Republicans like Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan were lining up with segregationist Democrats to oppose landmark civil rights legislation.

Since then, the right-wingers have taken over the G.O.P and Mr. Lewis, now a congressman, must still endure the garbage they have wrought.

One measure of how all this  plays out in reality across the country will be  public reactions to the health care legislation and the Republican’s efforts to repeal it, as we head towards the 2010 elections.

“She was standing off by herself during a conference break, leaning against a wall, sipping coffee,” George said.  “As I walked by, our eyes met and I felt a sudden jolt — a rush of energy, real connection.  Suddenly we found ourselves talking, feeling like we had known each other for years.”  The affair “just “happened,” George added.

That’s an explanation I’ve heard many times.  Another is a bit more “strategic.”  For example, Jan, a 41 year-old lawyer, said her affair was a “marriage stabilizer….safe and discreet, a perfect solution for me.”  She decided it was a rational alternative to the disruption of divorce.

Of course the public always enjoys being titillated with stories of public figures’ affairs, especially when hypocrisy is exposed.  But cultural attitudes have clearly shifted towards acceptance of affairs.  They’re seen as a life-style choice; an option for men and women yearning for excitement or intimacy that’s lacking or has dulled during their marriage.  So given that new reality, I decided to write this piece, about the psychology of affairs — their meaning and their consequences.

Based on my work over the decades, I find six kinds of affairs that people have today.  I think a non-judgmental description of them (but with a tinge of humor) can help people who have affairs deal with them with greater awareness and responsibility.  Here are the six I’ve diagnosed:

The “It’s-Only-Lust “ Affair. The most common, it’s mostly about sex.  It can feel really intense, but it’s also the quickest to flame out.  John and Kim met through work, and felt a strong physical attraction.  John was separated; Kim, married.  They felt powerless to resist the pull. “It was inevitable.  We ended up in bed, as well as a lot of other places!  It was wonderful,” John added, with a big grin. The liberating and compelling feeling from this kind of affair, though, can mask hidden emotional conflicts.

An example is the person who’s able to feel sexually alive and free only in a secret relationship, hidden from the imagined hovering, inhibiting eye of one’s parent – which the person may experience unconsciously with his or her spouse.  The lust affair is often short-lived, and passion can slide downhill pretty fast as the excitement declines or underground emotional issues surface again.  It can also fade if the lovers discover that there wasn’t much connecting them beyond sex.  As John later told me, “As great as the sex was, we didn’t really have much to say to each other.  Eventually, that became a turn-off.”

The “I’ll-Show-You” Affair. Rachel began realizing the depth of her anger and resentment towards her husband after years of an unhappy marriage.  She had long felt unaffirmed, ignored, and disregarded by him.  His adamant refusal to go to couples therapy pushed her into acting upon her anger.  Rachel told me that a previous therapy had helped her recognize her collusion in becoming so subordinate in the marriage.  But she couldn’t create a solution, nor figure out how to deal with her desire for revenge.

She knew that “getting back” at her husband wasn’t going to produce empowerment or healing, but nevertheless began a disastrous affair.  She subsequently discovered that the man was only interested in a narcissistic conquest, and he quickly dumped her.  Eventually, she realized that beneath her anger was a desire for a man who would really recognize her, who could “see” her, as her father never did.   But before that awakening occurred, she suffered, and she still had to deal with the reality of her marriage and how to heal her own trauma.

The “Just-In-The-Head” Affair. Can you call it an affair if the “lovers” don’t have sex? Consider Paul and Linda.  They became very close working together on a volunteer project.   Paul was married, and Linda was divorced but living with a boyfriend.  They found they had much in common – a similar outlook on life and a spiritual compatibility as well.  They enjoyed talking and looking forward to time together.  They spoke on the phone frequently and lingered around afterward working on the project.  Soon they realized that a very intimate and emotionally close bond had developed.  It definitely felt like much more than just a friendship.

So why didn’t they have sex?  Linda, who was my patient, said that neither of them wanted to disrupt or leave their primary relationship, or “mess it up.” So, they chose to keep it platonic.  That level of intimacy and intensity makes it an affair of the mind, if not the body; it’s more than just a friendship.  I find that people in this kind of affair find something in each other that’s lacking in their “real” relationship, and they’re not dealing with that.  Aside from the challenge of remaining on the chaste side of the sexual borderline, such “lovers” must hope that their primary partners continue to believe they’re telling the truth.   And there’s a risk that what they’re not finding in their primary relationship will become increasingly disruptive to it.

The “All-In-The-Family” Affair. Bill thought this was fail-safe, because no one would suspect.  He and his wife’s sister finally had sex after years of mutual, erotic teasing.  Suddenly they were in the midst of an affair that neither wanted to end.  They thought they could keep it secret; that neither would make any demands on the other and it would be perfectly safe.  If you think that was naive, it was.  Most “family” affairs are interwoven with family dysfunctions and buried resentments.  Neither Bill nor Tina, his sister-in-law, looked seriously at the issues in their respective marriages or interlocked families; or even how dangerous it was.  Postscript: One of their spouses eventually discovered the incriminating e-mails, and the family affair quickly turned into a family nightmare.

The “It’s-Not-Really-An-Affair” Affair. We humans are experts at creating illusions for ourselves.  In this affair one party is available but the other isn’t.  The available partner believes that the other really will leave his or her spouse, given enough time and patience.  Jane, divorced for several years, began seeing a married man. She told me vehemently, “It’s not an affair!  It’s a relationship!”  But that takes two equally available and committed people.  I’ve seen many women and women over the years (though it’s usually women caught in this trap) who truly believe their lovers will leave their spouses.   Ninety percent of the time it never happens.  Jane eventually realized that her lover never had any intention of leaving.  In fact, he had had multiple affairs throughout his marriage.

The “Mind-Body”Affair. Here’s the most dangerous one of all for the lovers’ existing relationships.   It’s so powerful because it feels so complete — emotionally, sexually, intellectually, spiritually.  Matt and Ellen, who consulted me as a couple, met through a parents’ function at their children’s school.  Right away, they felt a strong, mutual connection.  “If I believed in reincarnation,” Matt told me, “I would say that we were together in a former life.  We feel like ‘soul-mates.’” “I never thought a relationship could feel like this,” said Ellen.

The “mind-body” affair is highly threatening to a marriage because it feels so “right.” Of course, the couple may try to end it or turn it into a “just-in-the-head” affair, but that rarely works.  Of all the different affairs, I’ve found that this kind most frequently leads to divorce and remarriage. The upside is that the new relationship often proves to be the right match for the couple.  Nevertheless, it generates all the mixed consequences that all affairs produce, especially when children are involved.

Learning From Affairs

You might assume that you can isolate your affair from the rest of your life.  Or, you might not give much thought to its consequences.  Both are mistakes.  If you’re considering an affair or are in the midst of one, I suggest you consider the following:

• There’s always a reason for beginning an affair, and it relates to some issue in your existing relationship.  It’s far better to face and resolve that first.  You don’t just “find” yourself having an affair, or “end up” in bed with someone.  It’s your choice, but it can be beautifully rationalized.  So take a look at what’s missing or unfulfilling in your relationship, why that is, and whether you can — or even want to – do something about it.   It’s preferable to try renewing your relationship, or end it with mutual respect.

•  Some affairs are psychologically healthy. An affair can help leverage you out of a destructive or deadened relationship that’s beyond the point of renewal. The positive feelings of affirmation and restored vitality generated by an affair can activate the courage to leave a marriage when doing so is healthiest decision for both yourself and your partner.  I’ve seen both men and women become psychologically healthier through an affair.  It springboarded them into greater emotional honesty and mature action.  Of course, you have to be honest with yourself, here, and not rationalize yourself into having the affair while postponing necessary action.

•  An affair can help renew your relationship with your existing partner. An affair can spur you to confront what you really want from your existing partner and motivate you to try creating it.  Larry, a journalist, had an affair for nearly four years.  After an argument with his lover one day, he realized he was beginning to feel much of the same irritation and sexual boredom that he felt towards his wife.  “This is pretty screwed-up,” he said to me.  “I’ve got to do something.” As he examined what he really wanted and valued he recognized his own role in evading long-standing conflicts in his marriage.  He saw that he wanted to experience what he did during the affair… but with his wife.  “I want my wife and lover to be the same person,” he said.  Larry began to confront, with his wife’s participation, the real problems in their relationship and the steps it would take to rebuild it.

By acknowledging that an affair means you’re living a lie in some form, you have a greater chance to deal with the emotional and practical consequences of the affair in a healthier way.  And there are plenty of consequences – for yourself, your children, your existing relationship. But if you fool yourself about the reasons for your affair and what it may set in motion, you can squander irreplaceable years, trapped within illusions and rationalizations.  When it all comes crashing down, loneliness and emptiness may be all that remains. That’s why I advocate awareness at the outset: You can become more conscious of your actions, and use that awareness to deal maturely with their consequences.  Or yes, you can remain unconscious….but then you still have to deal with the consequences.

Of course, one reason for that is the damaging impact of our adolescent model of adult love that I described in a previous post.  Many people become socially conditioned into a view of love that they equate with an intense yearning for the feeling of being “in love.”  That heightens desire for an idealized lover, especially when he or she is elusive or unavailable.  Longing for the unattainable ideal is more of an enthrallment with your own experience of feeling in love, than a reality-based interest in the real person of your partner.

Beyond that flawed experience that colors most people’s romantic lives, many relationships that begin with a positive charge, emotionally and sexually, crumble under the weight of daily life, with all it’s pressures, conflicting desires, bills to pay, career conflicts, children’s needs, and so on.  Therefore, many assume that boredom with your partner and the corresponding sexual decline is “inevitable.”  And that can reactivate old yearnings or hope for a soul mate who might be out there, after all, beckoning you to a simple, pure, passionate love.  Of course, that’s what leads many people into affairs – a subject I’ll go into in a later post.

But I think there’s another way to envisioning what the soul-mate experience is and how it can grow and develop, as part of a mature adult love relationship; something that’s attainable in reality.  In essence, sustainable adult love blends together erotic desire, friendship, respect and support of each other’s growth and development — as independent, different human beings. Think of the way in which a new substance can arise from the joining of two separate elements, like water emerging from the coming together of hydrogen and oxygen.  Similarly, adult love is the product of two self-sufficient, “non-needy” people.  It’s more of an art that you practice and cultivate, not a set of techniques that you acquire from a how-to book.

So how do you build it?  I think there are three sources of the adult version of a soul  mate: what I call “radical transparency;” “words-into-actions;” and “good vibrations,” sexually-physically.

In brief, radical transparency is a shift away from hiding out, concealment, or secret manipulation that characterizes so many typical relationships.  It’s not that people want to be hidden or deceptive; it’s how you learn to relate to men and women as you grow into adulthood in our culture.   In contrast, radical transparency means two-way openness:  openness to being fully receptive to your partner’s feelings, wishes, desires, and differences from yourself; and, openness in revealing yourself completely to your partner.  If you don’t think that’s hard, try it sometime!

The other two aren’t easy, either.  By “words-into-actions” I mean letting go of trying to control or dominate your partners, whether through overt or subtle maneuvers; and instead, demonstrating equality in your actual behavior, not just in words.  It’s practicing  “power-with” rather than “power-over;” and building genuine mutuality between partners.  For a man, that means behavior that supports a woman’s autonomy, independence, and competency, while valuing her emotional sensitivity and responsiveness.  For a woman, supporting the man’s capacity for emotional connection, openness and vulnerability, while also valuing his strength and solution-oriented tendencies, as well.

In other words, each demonstrates through actions support for the underdeveloped capacities in the other; that is, “underdeveloped” by virtue of how particular tendencies and strengths of each gender are socialized and reinforced.  You demonstrate that, especially, in daily decision making, especially where there are differences or conflicts.  How do you serve the relationship rather than your own ego?

Building “good vibrations” refers to building and sustaining a heightened sexual/physical connection.  That’s also hard to do when you’re conditioned to expect decline in your relationship, and relate to each other in ways that create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The key here is working to let go of inhibitions, fear, and stop using your sexual relationship as a vehicle for unspoken emotional grievances.  “Good vibrations” between you and your partner build naturally as you become more open and communicative about your sexual desires and needs; and when you take the time and the setting for focusing on each other, physically and sexually.

Typically, couples give short shrift to that part of their relationship when dealing with the pressures and demands of everyday life.  And when sexual interest and excitement wanes as a result, too often they become fixated on finding the right technique or new sexual position to restore it.  While mechanical “functioning” may improve as a result, your sexual relationship with your partner won’t.  Sexual practices and techniques – even taking the little blue pill — enhance your relationship only when they’re linked with the other two practices I’ve described.  For a little more detail about these three parts of adult love, see the extended version of my Washington Post article, “Relighting The Fire.”

In an adult love relationship, both partners recognize and validate each other as separate people.  They experience difference as exciting, not something to be feared or squashed.  That includes our difference from each other in perspectives, outlook, and desires.  In fact, difference provides that exciting edge that helps a relationship stay alive — especially when there’s a larger, shared connection around vision, values, and overall purpose of life together.

The sum total of all this is the “transcendent” experience that people have in mind when they think of a soul mate.  It’s clear that both men and women want that. They want sustained connection and vitality over the long run — the soul mate experience as a reality, not a fantasy.  In fact, surveys, as far back as a 2000 Gallup Poll, along with other research, indicates that both younger and older men and women — straight or gay — report that they want a soul mate who will be their lifelong partner.  They want to avoid breakups and serial relationships, and say they long for lifelong relationships of vitality and connection in all realms — emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.  That’s hopeful news for the prospect of men and women being able to evolve beyond our adolescent practice of love and towards love that is “for adults only.”