Category Archives: Midlife Conflict and Renewal

Must Life Go Downhill As You Age, Or Do You Have a Choice?

By Douglas LaBier • January 26, 2021

Is it possible to become the person you hope to be as you age? The most positive version of yourself that embraces, yet transcends, the losses and declines that are part of life? Some recent research suggests that it is.

For example, a study from Oregon State found that how you envision the person you want to be as you become older is a good predictor of who you do become. That’s encouraging, though a bit mystifying, because there’s a missing piece: What, in fact, is it that could enable you to actually become that version of yourself? Actually, some answers are hiding in plain sight.

First, take a look at what we already know. How people perceive their lives at age 50 is a good predictor of their health decades later—including their cardiovascular system, their memory, hospitalizations, and even their mortality. And research has found that happier people are also healthier as they age. The question is, what accounts for those associations? And more importantly, what might enable you to consciously create a positive version of yourself over time? 

To explore that, the researchers from Oregon State University looked at what fuels the self-perceptions that become associated with positive aging in people’s later years. They honed in on factors that are more than just your inherited biological tendencies—for example, how you consciously envision your future life to begin with, dimensions of your personality, your overall outlook on life, or your spirit.

Their findings were published in The International Journal of Aging and Human Development. In essence, the research found that If you believe you’re capable of becoming the person you want to be as you become older, that’s who you’re more likely to become.  Continue reading

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New Pathways to Mental Health: What the Pandemic Reveals

By Douglas LaBier • December 30, 2020

Mental health issues have become highly visible since the arrival of COVID-19, acknowledged by the media, entertainers, sports stars, and even appearing in rap music. It’s good to see increasing openness about seeking help for depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol problems, and just the debilitating stress of isolation and confinement all mount in the reflection of the pandemic’s toll.

Interestingly, some new research points to features of mental health that will be needed for living in “The After Times,” which we’ll be heading into. Those findings link with what some have discovered creates greater emotional resiliency: Re-think what personal values make sense, and reflect on what they’re really living for. That’s one upside to some people’s experiences during “The Plague Year.”

And that’s important for mental health. Life will not return to what it was in “The Before Times.” As vaccines subdue the virus, much will be permanently altered: the physical workplace, attitudes about career pursuits, views about relationship conflicts and compatibility, how to conduct social life. And more broadly—perhaps most relevant to mental health—will be the increased revisiting of personal life goals and why they matter.

Here are a few emerging themes that link research with people’s experiences.

Step Outside Yourself 

For many, the pandemic has awakened a greater sense of impermanence, ephemeralness, about life. It’s no longer just a concept. Suddenly, the lockdown happened, and we were in the midst of changes affecting how we live, work, and socialize. Continue reading

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How to Increase Relationship Intimacy in Stressful Times

By Douglas LaBier • October 28, 2020

In these times, couples that work from home and see each other 24/7 recognize the difficulty of staying emotionally and romantically connected, especially if they have children. Your living environment can feel confining and stressful, and the whole situation makes it difficult to give enough continuous attention to your romantic relationship. Many people are speaking about this dilemma in their psychotherapy sessions. Some recent research, however, suggests that a few simple steps can help energize your intimate connection with your partner as we all live through these pandemic days. Knowing how to do that will also benefit your relationship in “normal times,” when, hopefully, they return. Here are some of the steps people can take:

Express More Than just “Thanks!”

One of these new studies found that when you take time to express appreciation to your partner for even small acts of thoughtfulness – but with more descriptive words of gratitude than you might normally offer – the recipient reports feeling more positive and intimate toward you, in return.

To explain, it’s been established that gratitude creates greater bonds between people, but the researchers noted that some expressions of gratitude might cause the other person to feel guilty or embarrassed. So they looked more deeply into what occurs with different forms of expression. They found that when you elaborate on how grateful you feel about your loved one’s response to your needs, your partner feels more loving, in return. And that enhances the relationship between the two of you. An example: Saying not just, “Thanks for remembering to pick up some things from the cleaners,” but something like “Hey, that was really thoughtful that you remembered. It helped with my crazy schedule; I really appreciate that!” The research, described here, found that those additional expressions of gratitude arouse more positive emotions in the recipient towards the partner. And that can be especially good for your relationship during this period of home confinement. The study was led by a team from the University of Toronto and published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Two other findings reveal what else can help:

Align Your Personal Desires

This study found that communicating and describing to your partner what you’re aiming for or seeking — it may concern your personal goals, your work, your desires — tends to evoke the same desires in your partner, in his or her own way. And that creates a greater sense of connection. However, the research, from the University of Basil and described here, raises the possibility of either positive or negative outcomes when you do that with your partner. As I described in a previous post about “radical transparency, the positive outcome of seeing a shared alignment is that it can strengthen feelings of intimacy; of being on the same “wavelength” on your journey together.

But it might also reveal that you’re not so aligned — that your partner reveals a desire for a different direction, or a different aim than your own. Of course, that could lead to positive, constructive efforts to resolve those differences. Or, it might expose deeper incompatibility. In any case, the stress of pandemic confinement upon couples highlights the importance of exploring whether you can create greater alignment in your individual life aims and desires during a stressful and uncertain time. And that outcome will carry over into post-pandemic times. The research was published in the Journal of Gerontology.

Finding Happiness With Each Other Increases Your Health

A third recent study found an interesting link: Couples that express happiness derived from just being together – through the ups and downs of life – tend to have greater overall health. Individuals in such couples experience less decline and fewer risk factors with age, according to the research, described here. I think that such couples are likely to share a common core of just enjoying each other’s company, along the way, whether by accident — “lucking out” with the right partner — or because they worked at building it. That was found in other research I described in a previous post as the “secret” of happy couples. The study linking happiness and health was conducted by Michigan State University and published in the Journal of Personality. 

The accumulated evidence from these and similar empirical studies confirms and underscores what we see in therapy with individuals and couples. The data adds helpful guidance for finding ways to sustain intimacy during this time of extended stress. Needless to say, that’s also helpful for sustaining your emotional and romantic connection over the long run of your relationship.

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A Relationship Secret of the Happiest Couples: New Research

By Douglas LaBier • August 20, 2020

Why do some relationships look so promising, yet dissolve over time? And why do others, whose partners seem hopelessly mismatched, grow stronger? Much research has tried to identify the individual characteristics that make for a successful relationship, including how couples deal with conflict or communicate. All shed some light on what may underlie relationship success. But a new study of over 11,000 couples reveals a key ingredient that’s easily overlooked or ignored — and it’s the major predictor of relationship happiness, romantic intimacy, and connection.

It’s not how well two prospective partners matched up on a dating site. It’s not about personality features, personal history, or interests. These do play a role in predicting long-term relationship success, but the study found they play a much smaller role than one might think.

What’s the “Secret?”

Simply put, the research found that strongest predictor is the kind of relationship the partners create together, over time. That is, the quality of the relationship they experience transcends individual traits or characteristics in predicting the couple’s happiness over time.

The study, from Canada’s Western University, was based on a different kind of analysis of information from 43 studies of the 11,000 couples. As lead author Samantha Joel stated, “It suggests that the person we choose is not nearly as important as the relationship we build.” It’s the overall way the partners relate to each other. The research shows, she adds, that “the dynamic that you build with someone — the shared norms, the in-jokes, the shared experiences — is so much more than the separate individuals who make up that relationship.” Continue reading

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Do You Need a Partner to Have a Happy Life?

By Douglas LaBier • July 29, 2020

Both men and women often lament their prospects for happiness if they don’t find a partner. I’ve heard this from those who seek to find the “right” person for a relationship that will last and bring joy to their lives, and from others who were in a relationship that ended and really long for another. They dread the prospect of “ending up alone.”

But what do we really know about how being with a partner relates to a happy life? New studies reveal information some about that and point to what does support a “happy” life – more accurately described as one of mental and physical well-being; a sense of growth over time; and a feeling that it’s worth being alive, despite the ups and downs of life and the inevitable transitions and changes we experience.

Let’s look at some recent research into relationships and happiness. A study from Michigan State University assessed the happiness level of over 7000 people – those married, previously married, and those who remained single — from age 18 to 60. The researchers sought to find out, as in the classic Tina Turner song, “What’s love got to do with it?” 

About 80 percent of participants had been consistently married, in one marriage; 13 percent had been in and out of relationships; and 8 percent had been consistently single. The researchers examined how the participants’ ratings of happiness related to the particular group they fell into.

The upshot of the study was that “…staking your happiness on being married isn’t a sure bet,” as co-author William Chopik reported. That is, the lifelong singles and those who had varied relationship histories didn’t differ in their level of happiness. Moreover, the lifelong married individuals showed only marginally higher levels of happiness. The research was published in the Journal of Positive Psychology. Continue reading

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How Does Wanting More Money vs. More Love Affect Your Mental Health?

By Douglas LaBier • June 29, 2020

Two recent pieces of research caught my eye the other day; and each brought to mind a different memory from our cultural past. Both the memories and the two studies strike me as relevant to the challenge of mentally healthy living in this age of the coronavirus.

One association was to a lyric from an early Beatles song; the other, a famous skit from the old comedy legend Jack Benny. The Beatles lyric was, “I don’t care too much for money / Money can’t buy me love,” from 1964’s “Can’t Buy Me Love” in the soundtrack of their movie, A Hard Day’s Night.

The other was a classic bit in which a robber accosted Jack Benny, pointed a gun at him, and said “Your money or your life!” Benny paused for some length of time, as the robber became more impatient, and made the demand again. Finally, Benny replied, “I’m thinking it over!”

Both struck me as relevant to the upheaval many people experience now: So many of us are hunkered down, working from home, dealing with the blurred separations of work and personal life. And unmoored, as well, by the financial uncertainties all of us face.

Consequently, I see many people rethinking or questioning what they’re living and working for, at this point. They wonder, what’s important to prioritize, given the “new normal” that may continue for some time? How can I best deal with a heightened sense of fear; of awareness of the unpredictability of life; of mortality?

To explain, let’s look at the first study, the one that reminds me of the Beatles’ lyric. It looked at people who identify their self-worth with financial success, and how that plays out in the quality of their relationships — including their connection with, or isolation from, other people in their lives. And, how their priority of financial success affects their sense of control over the course of their lives. Continue reading

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Five Ways to Enhance Your Well-Being During the Pandemic

By Douglas LaBier • April 7, 2020

Yes, this is a terrifying, frightening time for everyone. COVID-19 is escalating throughout the world, and now the US is the epicenter. Most of us know by now some steps to take that can manage the anxiety it generates—how to best cope with daily reports about the rising number of cases and deaths.

Many helpful articles and guides are out there that list specific actions that can help your mental health and well-being. For example, maintaining connections with friends and family; exercising and following a good diet; being compassionate towards others — as described in this Nature article. Or, from the New York Times, staying grounded in the medical facts and data, because anxiety is fueled by misinformation and rumors; prepare for the worst, by stockpiling what you might need in the weeks ahead. And, ask for help when you need it; as well as offering help to others.

These are all useful guides for keeping daily anxiety and uncertainty at bay. They help you function as best you can in daily life, work, and relationships. But we’re in the midst of an evolving situation that can unleash a deeper kind of unmoored experience of your life; one that can immobilize you, despite taking all the steps that can help, situationally. 

In my view, you can activate a broader set of mental and emotional capacities that help you actually thrive, through the unknown times ahead, during this period of terror; beyond just coping and managing anxieties. I say “thrive” — as strange as that may sound — because you need to have some sense of how to live as fully as you can. This is crucial during any period of terror — whether during a pandemic, in the midst of a war zone, or living in a concentration camp.

I suggest that you reflect on the following. Incorporate them into a daily mindfulness exercise, or mediation — or prayer, if that resonates more with you. Continue reading

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Richard Branson Speaks About Happiness and Success

By Douglas LaBier • August 12, 2019

Billionaire Richard Branson displays a strong sense of adventure and love of life in his business and orientation to life in general. In a recent interview with Deep Patel in Entrepreneur, he describes 8 keys to happiness and success – which strike me as a great perspective for engaging with life: in your work, relationships, and sense of purpose; of meaning, in your overall life.

Patel points out that, according to Branson, creating such a life is pretty simple: love others, be grateful for all you have, be kind and be mindful. Oh, and “Never say no, just keep going until you succeed.”

Branson’s keys to happiness and success?

1. Don’t measure your success by the amount of money you make.

Too often, people measure their success by how much money they make, but Branson assures us that if we’re having fun and focusing on making the world a better place, the money will come.

In an article posted on his LinkedIn page, Branson wrote: “It’s a common misconception that money is every entrepreneur’s metric for success. It’s not, and nor should it be. I’ve never gone into business to make money.”

No matter what you have achieved in life, you should always feel there is more to be done. Success is a moving target — it’s about striving to continue growing, but also appreciating what you have in the moment.

2. Unplug and focus on face-to-face conversation.

Like most of us, Branson loves technology, but he also sees its limits, especially when it comes between him and those he cares for. Nothing can replace a face-to-face conversation or being in the moment — and for that you have to be willing to put your devices aside, he says.

Branson tries hard to focus his attention on whoever he is with. He works at actively listening and taking notes during meetings, and he makes it a point to put aside his cell phone and keep his attention centered on family during dinner. He also encourages others to put their technology down when they’re in a social setting… at least for a little while. “We can all be more present in our own lives. I really believe that being in the moment is the key to happiness and success — and being constantly glued to your phone can have a big impact on your relationships,” Branson writes.

3. Have fun in everything you do.

If you aren’t having fun, you’re doing it wrong. In everything you do, you should find ways to enjoy and appreciate your life, says Branson. In other words, instead of working to live, you should live to work — because work is fun and enjoyable. Continue reading

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Are You Always Drawn to the Same “Type” of Partner?

By Douglas LaBier • July 29, 2019

Some years ago, one of my patients—a 50ish woman who’d been having an affair with a business associate—remarked to me that she was starting to feel tired and bored with him. “Why?” I asked. She replied, “I’m realizing that he’s very much like my husband. Same personality!”

No surprise, according to some new research. A large-scale, multi-year study found that you tend to seek out relationships with the same type of person—over and over again. And, even when you’re determined to seek someone different from your previous relationship—this time around. Sound familiar?

This study was conducted in a unique way, to reveal more accurate findings. Let’s take a look at what it found. Then, we’ll consider what may help if you’ve concluded that your previous partner wasn’t a good match—perhaps because of personality, attitudes, or personal “issues.”

The research was conducted by the University of Toronto, and found that people often do decide they want to find a different kind of person when a relationship ends. But the data showed a strong tendency to date a similar personality, nevertheless.

According to the lead author Yoobin Park, “there was a “significant consistency in the personalities of an individual’s romantic partners… (and) the effect is more than just a tendency to date someone similar to yourself.” Continue reading

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Five Ways To Spike Your Love Relationship

By Douglas LaBier • June 26, 2019

I frequently receive inquiries and questions about articles I’ve written here about intimate relationships. For example, I’m asked for more information about why so many “techniques” to improve romance and sex tend to fail. About how to reverse the decline into a “dead zone” that many couples experience over time. How you can keep sex and romance alive in the midst of daily life challenges. Or how the rise of affairs, polyamory, and the “open marriage” might impact your own relationship.

One thing is certain from the concerns I hear: The nature of our emotional, sexual, and intimate relationships is evolving in our society. Increasingly, men and women – straight and gay – are becoming open to different forms and varieties of partnership. Those who want to keep a mutually committed relationship alive and growing look for ways to do that, successfully. They know that doing so is challenging in this changing era, especially so, as we change over time — emotionally, physically and in our vision of life.

Fads won’t do it. But here are five ways that can:

1. Open yourself to awareness that you can’t “change” your partner – ever. You can’t “make” him or her be different than they are; or who you want them to be. They may choose to change, or grow in a different direction, but for their own reasons. The only impact you have is to be accepting of who your partner is, to begin with; rather than showing disappointment, disapproval, or pressure to change. There must have been something positive that drew you to your partner to begin with. Who is that person today, in real-time? Acknowledging that, them you can decide if it generates continuing caring and love – including the reality of your partner’s “flaws” or “imperfections;” or if it doesn’t. If the latter, then you have to decide how you want to deal with that. Dong this is what I describe as “creative indifference.” Continue reading

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An Overlooked Way To Reduce Stress and Increase Wellbeing

By Douglas LaBier April 9, 2019

We’re constantly flooded with articles about how to reduce or control stress in our multi-tasking, demanding lives; how to achieve “balance” and wellbeing in daily life. Such articles and books typically list five or so steps to achieving it all. In truth, none of them work or are lasting. That’s why there’s a continuous market for them: people keep looking for the next one that promises the same thing, but better. More importantly, these “solutions” have to fail because they don’t deal with what generates so much stress and conflict to begin with, in work, relationships, and in our overall way of life in today’s culture. And therefore they can’t identify what does truly enable greater wellbeing and fulfillment.

That failing brings to mind something the 18th Century Zen poet Hakuin wrote: “Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away.” That the truth may be right in front of our eyes and easily accessible is highlighted by evidence from two illuminating recent studies about stress and wellbeing. Though unrelated, they show what can relieve stress in a simple way. And they point to what could heal the deeper, pervasive unhappiness and dissatisfaction so many people experience in today’s culture.

A Nature Pill?

The first study found that just taking twenty minutes during the day to be in contact with nature significantly lowers your stress hormone levels. That’s all? Just sitting outside where you feel contact with nature, or taking a walk in a natural environment, has a demonstrable impact?

According to MaryCarol Hunter, the lead author of the study from the University of Michigan, “…for the greatest payoff, in terms of efficiently lowering levels of the stress hormone cortisol, you should spend 20 to 30 minutes sitting or walking in a place that provides you with a sense of nature.”

The study, published in Frontiers in Psychology, was able to conclude that a twenty-minute nature experience was enough to significantly reduce cortisol levels. And if you spent a little more time immersed in a nature experience, 20 to 30 minutes sitting or walking, cortisol levels dropped at their greatest rate. Continue reading

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Our Understanding of Mental Health Is Transforming

By Douglas LaBier March 26, 2019

Our understanding of mental health – what undermines and what promotes it – is transforming from increasing recognition that we are integrated bio-psycho-social-spiritual beings. All dimensions of ourselves—from pre-birth to how we engage the environment in which we live— shape our emotional and mental experiences; our entire psychology. 

Among the most significant sources of influence, long overlooked by our mental health professions, is how the food we consume affects our mental health. Interestingly, new research is confirming the old adage, “you are what you eat,”

Three recent but unrelated studies join to show how true that is. For example, specific foods contribute to a range of emotional problems, including more serious mental illness. Also, some foods can ease symptoms of depression. And overall, certain kind of food is known to enhance overall well-being and mental health.

Your Food and Emotional Disturbance

First, take a look at the relationships between certain foods and psychological health. A study from Loma Linda University found that adults who consumed more unhealthy food were also more likely to report symptoms of either moderate or severe psychological distress than their peers who consumed a healthier diet.

The study was conducted with California residents, but the findings link with other studies, in other countries, that found Increased sugar consumption associated with bipolar disorder, for example. And, that consumption of foods that have been fried or contain high amounts of sugar and processed grains are linked with depression.

The Loma Linda study found that poor mental health is linked with poor diet quality — regardless of personal characteristics such as gender age, education, age, marital status, and income level. It found that nearly 17 percent of California adults are likely to suffer from mental illness — 13.2 percent with moderate psychological distress and 3.7 percent with severe psychological distress. The study was published in the International Journal of Food Sciences and Nutrition.

Some Foods Can Alleviate Depression

On the positive side, another study of 46,000 people has found that weight loss, nutrient-boosting and fat reduction diets can all reduce the symptoms of depression. That study, from the University of Manchester, combined data from clinical trials of diets for mental health conditions. It found evidence that dietary improvement significantly reduces symptoms of depression. Moreover, all types of dietary improvement appeared to have equal effects on mental health, with weight loss, fat reduction or nutrient-improving diets all having similar benefits for depressive symptoms. Continue reading

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Are Open Relationships as Healthy as Monogamous Ones? Yes!

By Douglas LaBier January 22, 2019

Accumulating research from several sources underscore that our society is evolving in many realms. A major example is the new generational transformation underway via the highly diverse “post-millennials.” Their shifts in attitudes and behavior will have significant impact upon our country, as the Pew Research Center has reported. Perhaps the most significant and pervasive change occurring in American society is the form of intimate relationships that men and women desire, seek and engage in, today.

That is, the features of a relationship that people find healthy and satisfying is broadening and diversifying. I’ve described some of those shifts here, writing about the increasing visibility of polyamory and “serial non-monogamy;” My explanation of why some affairs are psychologically healthy. And, the increasing acceptance of open relationships. This broad shift is visible across generations, and extends into the lives of aging baby boomers, even.

The open relationship in particular is moving into the mainstream. See, for example, the recent New York Times article highlighting it. The open relationship first became more visible some decades ago, when a book and a movie brought it into greater popular awareness. Of course, such arrangements had long existed; just not spoken about so openly. Most recently, an interesting new study examined the open relationship empirically, to determine its impact on participants’ emotions, sexuality and behavior.

In essence, the study found that partners in open relationships are as happy, satisfied, and experience well-being equally to those in monogamous relationships.

“We found people in consensual, non-monogamous relationships experience the same levels of relationship satisfaction, psychological well-being and sexual satisfaction as those in monogamous relationships,” said lead author Jessica Wood “This debunks societal views of monogamy as being the ideal relationship structure.”

For purposes of this study from the University of Guelph, an open relationship was defined as one that’s consensual and non-monogamous; in which all partners agree to engage in multiple sexual or romantic relationships, as they wish. The researchers pointed out that between three and seven per cent of people in North America are currently in a consensual, non-monogamous relationship. And that it’s more common than many people may think.

According to Wood, “We are at a point in social history where we are expecting a lot from our partners. We want to have sexual fulfillment and excitement but also emotional and financial support. Trying to fulfill all these needs can put pressure on relationships. To deal with this pressure, we are seeing some people look to consensually non-monogamous relationships.”

From my own work with men, women, and couples over the decades, I find that the old stigmas about open relationships – as well as the other forms of intimacy I cited above – are fading away. That fact is, people’s actual lives and relationship practices are ahead of the culture. The norms of the latter are visible in the researchers’ observation that open relationships are still “…perceived as immoral and less satisfying. It’s assumed that people in these types of relationships are having sex with everyone all the time. They are villainized and viewed as bad people in bad relationships, but that’s not the case.” That gap is visible when you look at the range of comments following the New York Times article, for example. Or, those following my article on healthy affairs.

Interestingly, the study found that people in non-monogamous relationships were just as satisfied with the relationship they had with their main partner as those in monogamous ones. Moreover, Wood added, “If you are fulfilling your psychological needs and are satisfied sexually, you are more likely to be happy in your partnership no matter the relationship structure.”

And that’s key: A relationship that’s fulfilling — emotionally, sexually and spiritually – having a sense of connection, and being on the same “wavelength,” is what most people seek. And that’s independent of the form it takes, conventional or otherwise.

The study was conducted with over 140 people in non-monogamous relationships and more than 200 in monogamous ones, and was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Credit: Pexels

This article was originally published in Psychology Today

 

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Feeling Grateful? It Increases Your Emotional and Physical Health

By Douglas LaBier December 18, 2018

More evidence of the interwoven nature of our mind, body, spirit and behavior: Accumulating research shows that gratitude — feeling it and practicing it — has a clear and sustaining positive impact on your overall well-being and engagement with the world.

In a summary of recent studies from the University of California at Davis, researcher Robert A. Emmons says “The practice of gratitude can lower blood pressure, improve immune function and facilitate more efficient sleep. Gratitude reduces lifetime risk for depression, anxiety and substance abuse disorders, and is a key resiliency factor in the prevention of suicide.”

Moreover, according to the UC Davis report, studies show that grateful people engage in more exercise, have better dietary behaviors, are less likely to smoke and abuse alcohol, and have higher rates of medication adherence – factors that translate into a healthier and happier life.

According to Emmons, gratitude works because it allows individuals to celebrate the present and be an active participant in their own lives. By valuing and appreciating friends, oneself, situations and circumstances, it focuses the mind on what an individual already has rather than something that’s absent and is needed, 

Gratitude is associated with higher levels of good cholesterol (HDL), lower levels of bad cholesterol (LDL), and lower systolic and diastolic blood pressure, both at rest and in the face of stress. It also has been linked with higher levels of heart rate variability, a marker of cardiac coherence, or a state of harmony in the nervous system and heart rate that is equated with less stress and mental clarity.

Gratitude also lowers levels of creatinine, an indicator of the kidney’s ability to filter waste from the bloodstream, and lowers levels of C-reactive protein, a marker of cardiac inflammation and heart disease. “Gratitude blocks toxic emotions, such as envy, resentment, regret and depression, which can destroy our happiness,” Emmons said. “It’s impossible to feel envious and grateful at the same time.”

Emmons believes a successful gratitude practice starts with recognizing what you’re grateful for, acknowledging it and appreciating it. “Setting aside time on a daily basis to recall moments of gratitude associated with ordinary events, your personal attributes, or valued people in your life gives you the potential to interweave a sustainable life theme of gratefulness.”

Credit: CPD Archive.

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Do Happy Older People Live Longer? Research Says Yes

November 6, 2018

Here’s some good news: A new study has found that an increase in happiness is directly related to a longer life. Needless to say, the challenge for individuals and societies is to determine what happiness and wellbeing consist of in today’s world — and and then promoting it through public policies.

But let’s take a look at the research: The study was based on 4,478 participants of a nationally-representative survey that examined the association between happiness and the subsequent likelihood of dying due to any cause, between 2009 and 2015. The survey was focused on individuals 60 years and older living in Singapore. The research, conducted by Duke-NUS Medical School was published in the journal Age and Ageing,

As described in this summary, the researchers found that among happy older people, 15% died prior to the end of 2015. But it was 20% among unhappy older people. Every increase of one point on the happiness score lowered the chance of dying due to any cause among participants by an additional nine percent. The likelihood of dying due to any cause was 19 percent lower for happy older people. The inverse association of happiness with mortality was consistently present among men and women, and among the young-old (aged 60-79 years) and the old-old (aged 75 years or older). 

“The findings indicate that even small increments in happiness may be beneficial to older people’s longevity,” explained senior author Rahul Malhotra. “Therefore individual-level activities as well as government policies and programs that maintain or improve happiness or psychological well-being may contribute to a longer life among older people.”

June May-Ling Lee, a co-author, added that the consistency of the data about the association of happiness with mortality across age groups and gender shows that all men and women – the young-old and the old-old, — all are likely to benefit from an increase in happiness. 

Previous studies have linked happiness or positive emotions with a range of better health outcomes, but the evidence on the effect of happiness on living longer has been inconclusive. Many previous studies have found happiness to be associated with a lower likelihood of dying, but this link disappears once differences in demographic, lifestyle and health factors between those less and more happy are accounted for. This study, however, assessed the association between happiness and mortality among older people, while accounting for several social factors, such as loneliness and social network.

Credit: CPD Archive

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Will Hardships In Life Increase Your Wisdom?

October 9, 2018

Some people think that wisdom increases with age. Yet we see many examples of people who become more bitter, cynical and unpleasant as they age – hardly the hallmarks of wisdom. We tend to think of the latter as reflecting a broader, more understanding and tolerant perspective about life’s ups and downs; especially if rooted in difficult life experiences. But I can say that clinically speaking, the growth of “wisdom” is more complex than that: There’s not a straight iine path from adversity to a wise outlook and behavior. It depends greatly on how you experienced the hardship or traumatic life event; what resources you had available to you for help – internal capacities or external, social support; what you learned from it, and whether that learning energized a new outlook. For some people, wisdom emerges, depending on that combination of resources and how they responded to them. For others, the outcome might be no change whatsoever.

New research has looked at this link between hardships in life and wisdom, and it found empirical evidence for what I described above. It confirms what we see in people’s lives from a mental health perspective. The study,  described here, was led by Carolyn Aldwin at Oregon State University, The findings indicate that it’s not just about surviving hard times, but how we deal with difficulties and what we’re able to learn from the experiences.

The researchers interviewed 50 people — 14 men and 36 women — aged 56–91 and asked them to describe the most difficult event that they had experienced in their lives, how they overcame it, and whether or not the event became a turning point that affected their perspective and actions. Thirty-two of the respondents viewed difficult life events as a landmark in their journey through life. For these people, hardships were trials that disrupted “their sense of competence, feelings of safety and predictability, and understandings of their world,” heavily rewriting their personal identity. “For these folks,” explains Aldwin, “the event really rocked their boat and challenged how they saw life and themselves.”
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Midlife and Stressed From Work? It Will Damage Your Mental Health

September 25, 2018

This isn’t a surprise, but new research published in The Lancet Psychiatry and described here found that if you’re in midlife and feel stressed, overworked and powerless, you’re at higher risk for developing mental health problems than others who don’t share that experience in their work.

According to Sabir Giga, author of an accompanying editorial in The Lancet report, “For individual workers, it’s important to recognize that persistent and long-term stress could lead to physical and mental health conditions. Demanding jobs may be unavoidable, but we can make changes in our lives that allow more control and flexibility in how much we work and the way we do it.”

That’s the challenge, of course, and it’s rooted in the management culture and practices of organizational leadership. And that’s where I find most organizations fail to identify what is required by leadership to support. worker wellbeing and positive commitment. 

This study is based on nearly 7000 workers in the UK, but I think its core findings are similar to those found among US workers as well. The workers in this study, averaging around 45 years of age, had never been diagnosed with depression, anxiety or other disorders. Overall, about one-third reported having little control over what they did at work, and slightly more than one-fourth described their jobs as very demanding and stressful. By age 50, workers who reported high levels of job strain five years earlier were more than twice as likely to be diagnosed with mental health disorders as the people who had low-stress jobs. With demanding jobs, workers were 70 percent more likely to develop a mental illness by age 50, the study also found. And people who reported having little control over their work were 89 percent more likely to be diagnosed with psychological disorders.
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Will Your Relationship Have A Short Shelf-Life? How To Tell

June 5, 2018

Whether you’re hoping to heal conflict in your relationship; or if things are going well and you want to sustain your good connection on into the future, you know that doing either is complicated. To establish and sustain a romantic and sexual relationship is a challenge in many ways: Understanding each other on a deep, intimate level; fostering honest communication; growing your intimacy. All are difficult, especially in today’s world of multiple demands, everyday stress and responsibilities. Paradoxically, the most unlikely looking relationships often prove to be the most sustaining. And those that appear made in heaven often dissolve, to the consternation of friends and family. Why is this?

What can help you clear these muddy waters is learning what knowledge we have about relationships that succeed or fail; that result in a short shelf-life or continued growth. Some of the most useful information reflects academic, empirical research that validates what we know and observe clinically, from people’s real life, everyday situations and experiences. That is, when academic research data and clinical findings go hand-in-hand.

The problem is that they often don’t. And that creates confusion and misleading information. Recently I came across two different studies that illustrate the downside of that kind of academic research. It usually consists of pre-and post-tests of questions about situations that the researchers think mimic “real life.” And then, flawed or naïve conclusions are drawn from the results.

To explain, let’s look at two recent studies. Their conclusions don’t help clarify when a relationship might be in danger, or might last. But that very failure points to what you need to know that can be helpful. One study of 151 heterosexual men and women, concluded that those who are most attracted to “bling” – material wealth, flashy possessions, and the like – will prefer short-term relationships. Continue reading

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Will Your Relationship Last? Not If It’s Really Lust!

April 24, 2018

A typical example: Two people meet, and just know it’s “love at first sight.” Passion reigns; they become attached and believe they’ve found their soul mate. Then what happens? In many cases, you hear that after several months or so, they’ve separated. Or they sink into a depressing reality that they might not really have an enduring relationship, after all. Why does that experience of sudden connection – a feeling of intense, genuine love — often fade fairly quickly? It’s intoxicating, but as a new study shows, it’s actually just lust, not love. 

And that experience reflects a broader theme about flaws in how we think about and seek intimate relationships in our culture. At the same time, there is evidence about what does support long-term sexual-romantic partnerships.

First, the research about lust. Published in Personal Relationships, it looked at the experience of love at first sight reported by 360 participants. It found that the belief that one has fallen instantly in love is a genuine experience, but it’s not really about love; it’s more of a strong physical attraction.

The study, described here  found that among those who describe a strong, positive relationship in the present, their recall of the past – that love at first sight experience – is likely “…a confabulated memory…a projection of their current feelings into the past,” according to researcher Florian Zsok  That is, “our findings suggest that love at first sight reported at actual first sight resembles neither passionate love nor love more generally.” It’s more likely “…a strong initial attraction that some label as ‘love at first sight’ – either retrospectively or in the moment of first sight.”

Most people want sustaining romantic and sexual relationships, but our culture has fostered a view of love that’s essentially a version of adolescent romance. I’ve written about that hereand why it often fuels endless struggles for dominance, manipulation and control – along with a sense of being “in love.” Passion may reflect little knowledge about the real person you’ve fallen in love with, and more about your own enthrallment with your heady experience of feeling “in love.”

So what does keep love alive and thriving among successful couples? How do those couples relate to each other, day to day? How do they deal with fluctuations of sexual interest over time?  Continue reading

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Why Bother Staying Married?

February 27, 2018

Life has changed a great deal since we entered the 21st Century. Massive, worldwide economic, political and social upheavals are impacting all areas of our lives. Marriages (and equivalent relationships) are no exception. In fact, long-term relationships face new stresses and challenges. People enter them within a world of shifting social norms, diversity, and increasing openness about emotional and sexual engagements, including ones that differ from the conventional.

These new realities raise a important question for couples to face, head-on: Do you want to stay married at this point in your life — in your relationship as it now exists, and at this time in our culture?

Consider this: It may be psychologically healthier to end your marriage. That is, I think that the conditions and challenges of the 21st world – the “new normal” – point to considering a more radical way of life: Engaging in two different kinds of marriages may be a better response to the emotional and sexual realities of our fluid, interconnected world.

On the other hand, you might decide to reconstitute you marriage in ways more in synch with how each of you are “evolving” in your individual lives; and more consistent with your vision of what you want a partnership to be as you become older.

Let me explain both paths. Increasingly, people recognize that our post- 9-11 world — the economic downturn, global crises and uncertainties, the impact of climate change, the increasing diversity of our population, global interconnection, and a host of other shifts – all of it forms a new era of uncertainty, unpredictability and diminished expectations of career and material success. Continue reading

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Why Depressed Fathers Are Likely To Have Depressed Teenagers

November 24, 2017

Adolescents whose fathers suffer from depression are likely to develop depression themselves, according to a long-term study of nearly 14,000 families. I think research findings about links like these raise important questions about their meaning and source. In this case, what accounts for fathers becoming depressed to begin with? And how does their depression help explain depression in their children? I think answers exist, and they reflect three sources. They reveal a more complex picture about could help, beyond just medication and therapy that quells the symptoms.

To explain, let’s take a closer look at the study, led by University College London, and published in Lancet Psychiatry. It was based on two longitudinal studies of children growing up in Ireland and Great Britain. The studies followed children between 7- and 9-years-old; and again between 13 and 14. As described in a UCL report, the study was the first to find first to find an association between depression in fathers and their teenage children, independent of whether the mother has depression. The findings held up when adjusted for possible factors such as maternal depression, family income, and alcohol use.

“There’s a common misconception that mothers are more responsible for their children’s mental health, while fathers are less influential, but we found that the link between parent and teen depression is not related to gender,” said the study’s lead author, Gemma Lewis.“The mental health of both parents should be a priority for preventing depression among adolescents. There has been far too much emphasis on mothers but fathers are important as well.”

Although the research was conducted with Irish and British families, I think the findings ring true with what we often see clinically in the U.S. as well, among men, women and families who seek psychotherapy—or who suffer in silence—from depression, anxiety or other debilitating emotional conflicts.

So: What might be the source, and what could help? Continue reading

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Depressed At Midlife? It May Reflect Mother And Sibling Conflicts

October 10, 2017

This new research highlights and confirms what we often seen in psychotherapy with midlife men and women. The study, from Iowa State University, underscores the fact that relationships with mothers and siblings typically change as people enter their own adult years. But significantly, it found that the quality of those relationships continues to impact your well-being — especially at midlife. 

One typical example occurs when adult children leave the house and/or aging parents start requiring more care. That’s pretty evident, clinically. But the new research is helpful because it found empirical evidence that tension with mothers and siblings, similar to that with spouses, is associated with symptoms of depression. The research found all three relationships have a similar effect, and one is not stronger than another. 

As lead author Megan Gilligan points out,  “Midlife is a time when siblings are often coming back together as they prepare and navigate care for parents. For that reason, it’s a pivotal time when these family relationships might be experiencing more tension, more strain, more discord.”

Interestingly, the research, summarized in this report, documents that the relationship between mothers and daughters is even more significant. It found that tension between mothers and adult children was a stronger predictor of depression for daughters than it was for sons. However, gender did not make a difference in relationships with spouses and siblings. 

Gilligan adds, “We know that mothers and daughters in adulthood have the closest relationships and also the most conflictual. These are really intense relationships. Later in life, adult children start providing more care to their parents, and daughters in particular are often caregivers for their mothers.”

A full description of the research was based on data from the Within-Family Differences Study and is described in this report from Iowa State. It was published in the journal  Social Sciences.

 

Credit: CPD Archive

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Midlifers Have Sex Outside Of Marriage In Rising Numbers

September 26, 2017

Midlifers are reporting extramarital sex at a higher rate than their younger counterparts. But what do these numbers really mean? I have a few thoughts about that, so let’s first take a look at what this research from the University of Utah revealed.

Initially, it looks like nothing much has changed. The overall numbers of people who have extramarital sex have pretty much held steady over the years. But this report, “America’s New Generation Gap in Extramarital Sex,” revealed a new pattern by age: Midlifers show an upsurge in their frequency of sex outside of marriage.

As the lead author, Nicholas H. Wolfinger explains in this summary, midlifers have been reporting increased rates of extramarital sex since the mid-2000s when the numbers reported by people in their 50s and beyond and those married for 20 or more years began to diverge. (The full report was published by the Institute for Family Studies.)

In my view, there are both overt and less visible reasons behind this shift. The report suggests some that are more obvious; visible in many psychotherapy patients as well as the general public: The rise in boredom, disenchantment, or conflict during the course of a long-term marriage. That, coupled with a broader experience of midlife crisis that some experience—about their relationship, career, and sense of life purpose—can trigger a desire for looking outside the marriage for renewed vitality and excitement via a new partner.

I’ve previously written about some of those issues. For example, what enables couples to sustain long-term emotional, sexual and spiritual connection, and avoid descending into the “death spiral” of their relationship; or turning it into one that’s functional, but lifeless

Those are difficult challenges. And they are likely exacerbated by a second reason: Continue reading

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Can Embracing Bad Feelings Increase Your Well-Being?

September 5, 2017

Many people struggle with negative, even destructive feelings – about themselves, about others; about emotions aroused in their careers or relationships. Trying to stifle negative emotions — or feeling bad about having them to begin with — is pretty common. It causes much distress and struggle; and often brings people into psychotherapy.

The irony, here, is that resisting your “bad” feelings actually intensifies them. Psychological health and well-being grows from the opposite: Embracing them. Now, some new research provides empirical evidence that. In essence, you can feel better by allowing yourself to feel bad.

That’s what meditative practices help you learn to do, and that accounts for much of the rise in popularity of meditation, yoga, and other mind-body practices. Consider this: When you try to deny or stifle any “parts” of yourself – whether undesirable emotions, desires or fears, you become fragmented. But you need a sense of integration; of wholeness inside. That’s what grows your well-being and your capacity to handle the ups and downs, the successes and failures; part of that relentless change and impermanence that is life.

One of the new studies, conducted with 1300 adults in the course of three experiments, underscored that in its findings. For example, it found that that people who try to resist negative emotions are more likely to experience psychiatric symptoms later, compared with those who accept such emotions. The latter group – those who showed greater acceptance of their negative feelings and experiences – also showed higher levels of well-being and mental health. Continue reading

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Regrets About Sacrificing For Your Partner? This May Be Why

August 22, 2017

One of the hallmarks of a loving, healthy relationship is when partners envision their relationship as a kind of third entity—something in need of being served and supported in itself, by mutual accommodation; perhaps sacrificing what you want, sometimes, not just using the relationship as a vehicle for getting your partner to serve your own needs and desires.

But can accommodation and support for each other—mutuality—go too far, in ways that undermine the relationship? It can, especially when emotional issues, often unconsciously expressed, drive a partner’s agreeableness. That can give rise to depression and, especially, regret and resentment. We see that in psychotherapy often, with couples who bicker and foment over what each says he or she went along with for the other, but says it was “unappreciated.”

Recent empirical research documents how that happens, and why. Further, research shows that feeling supported by your partner is linked with greater willingness to take on new challenges and with overall greater wellbeing.

To explain and unravel all this, first consider that feature of positive, healthy intimate relationships. These partners consciously practice showing mutual support to each other’s needs, always with an eye towards what best serves their relationship long-term. They do this with an understanding that when differences arise, they’ll find compromise, a “middle way.” Sometimes that means “giving in” to the other’s desires in a particular situation—knowing that doing so best serves the relationship as a whole. But most importantly, that’s done with trust that neither one will exploit the sacrifice for manipulative, self-serving purposes.

But men and women don’t enter relationships in a vacuum. We learn gender roles in our intimate relationships. We form our patterns of attachment and connection from social norms and culture and from our experiences with our parents. That inevitably includes some emotional issues that may lie dormant, and intrude upon our relationships as adult. Many memoirs depict that with devastating, often painful accuracy.

Regretting Your Sacrifice To Your Partner

Foremost among those personal issues is the consequence of bringing a low level of self-worth or self-regard into the relationship. Or when you feel insecure about how much you can trust or count on your partner’s professed caring and love. The consequences can lead to accommodating and supporting what your partner wants as an ongoing way of relating to him or her. That fuels an imbalanced, unhealthy partnership, and is likely to generate a backlash of resentment, beneath the surface, until it erupts or just remains submerged, where it festers and creates a range of symptoms. That’s what we often see in both individual and couples therapy.

Now, a recent study from the Netherlands documents that, from a study of 130 couples. Summarized in this report, the research found that people with low self-esteem tend to feel Continue reading

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Want Long-Term Well-Being In Life? Your Mind Is The Key!

July 18, 2017

Some new research finds that long-term well-being in life is more dependent on psychological and social factors than on your physical state. That contrasts with the assumption many make that physical aging has the most impact upon your experience of life. In essence, the research shows that your overall conscious experience of life has greater impact. Your state of consciousness reflects a blend of emotional, mental and social experiences over the course of your life. I would include spiritual dimensions as well; i.e. your overall sense of purpose along the way.

According to researcher, Karl-Heinz Ludwig, “Ageing itself is not inevitably associated with a decline in mood and quality of life. It is rather the case that psychosocial factors such as depression or anxiety impair subjective well-being.”

And, “To date, the impact of emotional stress has barely been investigated.” The study, from researchers in Germany, was published in BMC Geriatrics and is described more fully in this press release.

“What made the study particularly interesting was the fact that the impact of stress on emotional well-being has barely been investigated in a broader, non-clinical context,” said lead author Karoline Lukaschek. “Our study therefore explicitly included anxiety, depression and sleep disorders.”

The research found that depression and anxiety had the strongest effect on well-being. Low income and sleep disorders also had a negative effect. However, poor physical health (for example, low physical activity or so-called multi-morbidity) seemed to have little impact on perceived life satisfaction. Among women, living alone also significantly increased the probability of a low sense of well-being.

All of these factors are important, Ludwig said, “…given that we know that high levels of subjective well-being are linked to a lower mortality risk.” 

Credit: Pexels/ Julian Jagtenberg

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Leaders with a Moral Purpose Have More Engaged, Productive Workers

July 5, 2017

Having a sense of purpose in your life is often subsumed to the more “important” things – like advancing your career, finding the right relationship, or acquiring more material goods – the “bling” of having really “made it” in life. Right? But consider this: What enables you to know what’s worth going after in the external, outer world – and what’s not and ultimately harmful – is an internal sense of purpose. Knowing what you’re really living for. Your moral purpose, for being alive on this planet, at this historical moment you happen to be living within. And that includes your impact on the larger society and future generations as well, in recognition that you are one link in a long chain of beings who came before you and who will come after you are no longer here.

The consequences of ignoring your moral purpose – or developing an unhealthy, unconscious purpose — are legion in our society: rampant dysfunction and unhappiness in individual relationships, in the rise of self-centered, destructive political and policy aims, and in the products and services provided by today’s organizations and businesses.

A new study shows the direct connection in that latter realm, the workplace. It finds that leaders who have a moral purpose in their leadership vision and actions have employees who are more highly engaged — productive, collaborative, and experience greater enjoyment in their work and organizations. Contrast that with the large numbers of workers who report feeling depressed, significant stress, and even hatred of their work, their workplace, and their bosses.

This new study, described in a report from British researchers, emphasizes the need for what they call ‘purposeful leadership’ for the modern workplace. They find that When modern managers display ‘purposeful’ behaviors, employees are less likely to quit, more satisfied, willing to go the extra mile, better performers and less cynical,

Lead researcher Catherine Bailey says in a summary of the report, “Our study shows that the modern workplace is as much a battle for hearts and minds as it is one of rules and duties.”

“People increasingly expect an organizational purpose that goes beyond a mere focus on the bottom line, beyond the kind of short-term, financial imperatives that are blamed by many for causing the 2008 recession. In turn, they respond to leaders who care not just about themselves but wider society, who have strong morals and ethics, and who behave with purpose.”

Laura Harrison, author of the report, adds, “Much has been discussed about the critical nature of invoking and ‘living’ purpose in an organization, but little around the alignment of this purpose to the internal, perhaps hidden, moral compass of an organization’s leaders. The challenge now is how we enable and support the development of leaders that people actually want to follow.”

The researchers suggest that there is much that organizations can do to foster purposeful and ethical leadership, including the adoption of relevant policies, leader role-modeling, alignment around a core vision, training and development, and organizational culture.

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Is Just Sex The Key To A Lasting Relationship?

May 30, 2017

Is sex the key to a lasting relationship? It appears to be the case, according to some new research, but the full picture is complicated, and the findings raise an obvious question: What enables and sustains a couple’s long-term romantic and sexual connection to begin with?

Let’s take a look.

This study focused on recently married couples, and found links between frequency of sex and its positive impact on the relationship over time. (Previous research has also found a similar effect among older couples.) Needless to say, if both partners enjoy sex, per se, and presumably with each other, then yes, that’s likely to enhance their relationship satisfaction. But what enables that desire, in itself? We know that long-term relationships often head south over time: Diminished energy and intimacy in your relationship inevitably affects you and your partner’s sexual connection. That is, the state of your relationship will follow you into the bedroom.

So, just having sex, in the absence of a thriving relationship, is unlikely to be very pleasurable, nor will it translate into increased marital satisfaction over time; actually, it could diminish it. Mental health professionals who’ve worked with relationship issues recognize that from our patients’ experiences in therapy. True, some couples try to smooth over a flatlined or troubled relationship by trying to just have sex anyway, or by having “make-up sex” or even “angry sex” after a fight. Other couples look to recharge their sexual relationship by turning to the latest techniques or suggestions from books, workshops, or the media.

These are understandable but misguided efforts, and they reflect a broader problem: We absorb very skewed notions about sexual needs, behavior, and romantic relationships as we grow up. (I described some of the dysfunctions that result in an earlier post about the differences between “hook-up sex,” “marital sex,” and “making love.”)

But in contrast, couples’ actual experiences and some empirical research show what partners do when they are successful at sustaining positive connection, emotionally and sexually. In essence, they build and live an integrated relationship, one that combines transparency in communication, conscious mutuality in decision-making, and a commitment to create conditions for maintaining erotic energy in their physical/sexual life. Continue reading

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Hurt Your Relationship Through This Quick And Fast Way!

March 28, 2017

Kathy and Paul were talking one night after dinner about plans for a summer vacation, and soon found themselves disagreeing with each other’s suggestions. At one point, Kathy raised the idea of a trip to a national park area. Paul had a sudden flashback: A similar trip some years ago, which ended in disaster. Bad lodging, terrible weather, and bickering about why they had done that trip to begin with. Paul recalled that Kathy had been more interested in it than he was, but that he had gone along with it to please her.

Suddenly, Paul made a negative comment about a recent furniture purchase. He told her he thought it was too expensive — and ugly to boot, but had gone along with it because she liked it. “Why are you bringing that up now?” Kathy asked, angrily. “That’s got nothing to do with planning our trip!” Their conversation deteriorated from there, and they didn’t speak to each other for the rest of the evening.

So what happened? Some new research from the University of Waterloo sheds light on how and why. But relationships are complicated: Some other studies find that attempts to heal disagreements may have an opposite effect, depending on the situation and the needs or vulnerabilities of each partner.

First, the Waterloo research, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin: It found that when one partner recalls a negative experience from the past — triggered by something in the present that has no real connection to it – that partner is likely to bring up most any annoyance or irritation from the present. The researchers called that “kitchen thinking,” because partners throw everything but the kitchen sink into the argument.

The study’s co-author Kassandra Cortes said, “When memories feel closer to the present, those memories are construed as more relevant to the present and more representative of the relationship. If one bad memory feels recent, a person will also be more likely to remember other past slights, and attach more importance to them.”

That is, that if a partner’s past transgression or slight feels like it happened yesterday — even if it didn’t — he or she is more likely to remember it during new, unrelated arguments. So, even if neither partner mentions an old transgression during the current argument or disagreement, just thinking about it could erupt in ways that hurt the relationship in the present.

And then, the other partner is likely to feel befuddled; even angry, unable to understand why their partner has become so upset over something so seemingly minor. Moreover, that can have lasting effects: The researchers found that partners who tend to recall previous slights or wounds during new conflict tended to react more destructively, with more conflicts and more negative feelings about their relationships, in general.

Other studies, though, present somewhat contradictory findings about what helps couples deal with conflicts or emotionally distressing experiences. For example, research from SUNY at Binghamton found that being supportive and positive towards your partner in an effort resolve a conflict can backfire, and actually raise the partner’s stress level. And, in other situations, behaving in ways that appear unsupportive can have a paradoxical, positive impact.

On the other hand, another study, from the University of Alberta and published in Developmental Psychology, found that conveying empathy and showing direct emotional support to an unhappy or troubled partner enhances the partner’s mental health and helps the overall relationship. 

Psychologically, I think these seemingly mixed findings illustrate that people who experience underlying anxiety and insecurity in their relationships and who often fear abandonment – whether consciously or unconsciously — will tend to experience past slights as being closer in time to the present, and react to them in the present, compared to those who feel more secure. Moreover, their degree of security in relationships can lead to outwardly contradictory responses to either empathic or non-empathic communications from their partners.

Overall, I think that even couples who experience secure attachment personally and with each other would benefit from practicing what I’ve described here as “radical transparency”  — mutual disclosure and openness — especially when a situation generates conflict or differences. That is, become transparent right then, when the issue arises. Ignoring what you experience or thinking you can dismiss it is likely to render it semi-underground, where it brews…awaiting for an opportunity to infect a new situation.

Credit: Flickr/Sage Therapy

A version of this article also appeared in Psychology Today.

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Why Men And Women Want Different Kinds Of Help In Couples Therapy

January 31, 2017

I don’t this this will shock any psychotherapist who’s provided couples therapy – nor many of the couples who’ve ever sought it: A new study found that men tend to want a quick “fix” of the problems, while women seek a forum to express their feelings. Of course, that’s a typical feature of conventional gender relations, unfortunately. And it often plays out in daily life. But this new study documents empirically how it occurs it therapy, as well.

The study was led by researchers from the University of Portsmouth, and described in a report from the British Psychological Society. They asked 20 experienced therapists whether they had identified gender differences in any aspects of their work. All 20 of the reported noticing gender differences in one or more aspect of therapy, and that, in general, “men want a quick fix and women want to talk about their feelings.”

A second, related study from Northumbria University asked 347 members of the general public to say what kind of therapy they would like if they needed help. The men and women in this group, half of whom reported having received some form of therapy, showed similar differences. For example, men more than women expressed a preference for sharing and receiving advice about their concerns in informal groups. In contrast, more women than men preferred psychodynamic psychotherapy, which focuses on emotional experiences and past events. 

Interestingly, when it comes to coping with couples conflicts, the study found that women more than men used comfort eating, whereas men more than women used sex or pornography. 

One of the researchers, John Barry, pointed out that, “Despite the fact that men commit suicide at three to four times the rate that women do, men don’t seek psychological help as much. It is likely that men benefit as much as women from talking about their feelings, but if talking about feelings appears to be the goal of therapy, then some men may be put off.”

So true! 

Now this study was with a British population, but I think it pretty much mirrors what we experience in the US, as well. Despite shifts many men are making towards greater emotional awareness and exposure, the allure of just “fixing” the problem and “moving on” is still strong.

Credit: CPD Archive

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Enjoying Life, Helping Others…And Your Longevity

January 24, 2017

Two new, unrelated, studies show interesting links between longevity and your experience of life; especially how you actually live it. I think both raise questions about the latter. To explain, researchers from University College London looked at previous findings that single occasions of of enjoyment and life satisfaction appeared linked with greater longevity. The researchers then extended that to look at the impact of enjoying life over a longer period.

The new study of over 9000 adults in their 60s was conducted at two-year intervals. It found that the death rate was progressively higher among people who experienced fewer occasions of enjoying life – even when accounting for other possible factors. Those reporting the most frequent experience of enjoying life had a death rate of 24 percent lower than others in the study. The researchers concluded that the longer an individual experiences life enjoyment, the lower the risk of death.

However, in my view, this study raises the question of what fuels and supports a sense of enjoying life through the years to begin with? I see a key source: having a sense of purpose and engagement in life — a reason for living — tends to lead to greater overall health, which can translate into greater longevity. And that larger purpose is associated with engaging in something larger than just oneself. — something that draws on one’s mental, emotional and creative capacities in the service of something meaningful.

The other study I referred to corroborates that point: It found that people who care for others, who provide emotional support and help people in some way, also experience longer lives. That joint study from several universities, described in this report from the University of Basel, was published in Evolution & Human Behavior.

I think the upshot of studies like these, combined with clinical observation, is that moving beyond fixation with yourself — your own ego, your body, your “needs” — is the key to mind-body-spiritual health over the long run. And it’s no surprise that longevity is a by-product.

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Life’s Dilemmas And Crossroads – A Few Reflections

January 10, 2017

“People pay for what they do, and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it very simply; by the lives they lead.” — James Baldwin (1924-1987). Baldwin’s observations reminds me so much of how often I’ve heard someone tell me, in one version or another, “I don’t like the person that I’ve become…”

Similarly, there’s the lament, “I waited too long…now what?” — I’ve often heard that from a person who’s awakened to realizing what they’ve wanted to do or express in their life, but always postponed. Or, they’ve discovered that they’ve been sleepwalking through the years. And there are fewer of them remaining.

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What’s Your Feeling About Getting Older? It Directly Affects Your Health

December 6, 2016

That old adage, “You’re only as old as you feel” is correct, according to a new study. It finds that your attitude about aging does, in fact, impacts your overall health. The research, from the Irish Longitudinal Study on Aging (TILDA) at Trinity College Dublin, found that negative attitudes to aging affect both physical and cognitive health in your later years. Moreover, participants who held positive attitudes towards aging had improved cognitive ability as they aged.

According to the lead researcher Deirdre Robertson, “The way we think about, talk about and write about aging may have direct effects on health. Everyone will grow older and if negative attitudes towards aging are carried throughout life they can have a detrimental, measurable effect on mental, physical and cognitive health.”

The study, summarized in Medical News Today, resulted in these major findings:

  • Older adults with negative attitudes towards aging had slower walking speed and worse cognitive abilities two years later, compared to older adults with more positive attitudes towards aging.
  • This was true even after participants’ medications, mood, their life circumstances and other health changes that had occurred over the same two-year period were accounted for.
  • Furthermore, negative attitudes towards aging seemed to affect how different health conditions interacted. Frail older adults are at risk of multiple health problems including worse cognition. In the TILDA sample frail participants with negative attitudes towards aging had worse cognition compared to participants who were not frail. However frail participants with positive attitudes towards aging had the same level of cognitive ability as their non-frail peers.

The researchers concluded that these findings have important implications for media, policymakers, practitioners and society more generally. Societal attitudes towards aging are predominantly negative. Everyone will grow older and if these attitudes persist they will continue to diminish quality of life.

Credit: CPD Archive

 

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Why Good Communication Won’t Improve Your Relationship

screen-shot-2016-10-19-at-11-51-10-amOctober 18, 2016

Couples often ask for advice about for how they can improve their communication. “If we could just find better ways to communicate with each other,” they say, “we would have a much better relationship.” So they seek couples therapy, they go to workshops for learning new relationship “skills;” and they read the latest books and articles about communication techniques and strategies.

But If better communication could create more intimate, loving and sustaining relationships, why are so many couples unable to find what works? The answer is that they may be on a “fool’s errand.” Good communication, per se, doesn’t make relationships better. Rather, good communication is a feature, an outcome, of having created a positive, sustaining relationship to begin with; not it’s source.

Some new research, as well as observational studies of couples that experience positive, lasting and energized relationships can help explain this. First, a recent study from the University of Georgia looked at the connection between communication and the degree of satisfaction that couples report. It found that good communication in itself could not account for how satisfied partners were with their relationships over time.

The researchers recognized that other factors must be influencing couples’ satisfaction; and that good communication can result from those other factors. According to Justin Lavner, the lead author of the study, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, the more satisfied couples do communicate better on average than those who are less satisfied. That’s expected: “In general…the more satisfied you are, basically, the better you communicate.”

However, in the majority of cases, communication did not predict satisfaction. “It was more common for satisfaction to predict communication than the reverse…satisfaction was a stronger predictor of communication. These links have not been talked about as much,he added. “We have focused on communication predicting satisfaction instead.”

The Roots of Positive Relationships

That may be why so many couples seek better communication only to discover that it doesn’t help much. Positive relationships — one’s that sustain vitality and intimacy at all levels over time  Continue reading

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Does Fighting Really Energize Your Sex Life?

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May 24, 2016

A previous article of mine, posted on LiveYourVie.comcontinues to be relevant to many couple, today:

“Of course, we fight!” John said, “All couples do; that’s normal!” He looked at me incredulously, as Mary quickly added with a tight smile, “But then we have ‘make-up sex.’ And that makes things better.”

Nevertheless, they sought therapy over their concern about the long-term impact of this “normal” pattern.

Perhaps you share John and Mary’s experience or views. Many do. The sex lives and relationships of couples often descend over time into diminishing excitement and passion, and increasing boredom and routine. Call it “marital sex,” in contrast to what couples often experience at the start of a relationship. In “marital sex,” you’re bringing into the bedroom all the other parts of your relationship, like disagreements over finances, or even over trivial things like where to place the furniture or where to vacation—not to mention parenting challenges, which become a large part of any couples’ relationship. And aside from all of your collective relationship and family issues, each of you has your own individual concerns—your career, your aging parents, or other familial stressors.

Couples often assume that fighting and conflict are inevitable—“normal,” even—and that they’re to be tolerated and, at best, managed. They may not recognize that their diminished sexual and romantic life is as interwoven with how and why they conflict as it is with their relationship overall. Then they may focus on ways to re-energize their sex life, as though it’s disconnected from the rest of their relationship, and as though that will compensate for their relationship conflicts. Continue reading

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Stress, Success, And the Demise of Manhood

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It’s no surprise that surveys document increasing stress and emotional conflict among workers and within their intimate relationships. One recent example: A report from Fortune that American workers are more stressed than ever. Based on 500 Americans, it found that more than half said their stress level reached significant levels. And at home, career-related conflicts increasingly intersect with relationship issues in negative ways.

One study found that men automatically interpret a partner’s success as their own failure, even when they’re not in direct competition. Moreover, couples’ conflicts often involve differences about what success means. Those differences infiltrate their sex lives. As I’ve written elsewhere, some believe that “make-up” sex will cover over their differences about their life goals or values. But it doesn’t.

In my view, such findings and observations highlight a deeper and broader theme: Our views of “success” and traditional “manhood” are changing as a byproduct of our evolving, diversifying culture. That theme was hinted at by recent research findings that higher status and material success are associated with attitudes of entitlement and narcissism. Those, in turn, affect your view of yourself and how you relate to others you’re connected with, often with negative consequences.

In essence, we’re experiencing significant upheaval and transformation regarding what men traditionally learn to define as “manhood” and “success” in our culture. It’s unraveling the traditional definition of “maleness;” the values and behavior that have defined what a successful male is — at work, in intimate relationships and in society.

That is, many men feel unmoored regarding their identity, purpose and place in a world that’s evolving rapidly in ways that feel threatening to life as they’ve known it. Men who cling to traditional positions of power in society (including domination in their intimate relationships) — and who define their self-worth by such power — can feel terrified; in danger of losing what they thought “manhood” and a stable, successful life was. They may fear losing domination in their relationships and material measures of prestige and success

It can be frightening to experience one’s previously stable world under siege. Especially so, for those who’ve profited from or otherwise bought into a manhood identity centered around holding and using personal power for material ends, elite status and social recognition. To them, it may feel inconceivable that society would be anything other than stable and supportive of who they are; of their secure place in the world, and that they would be the perpetual beneficiaries of that stability.

Much of the political appeal of Donald Trump both reflects and taps into those fears. That stirs longings for restoring how things “used to be.” But reality has a path of its own. Old expectations are eroding in the face of major cultural and social shifts that give voice to demands for greater equality and shared power. This forces men to reformulate what they think supports positive, intimate relationships, and what they think defines a successful life as a man, in today’s world.

Consider just a few of these shifts:

The upshot is that our society is evolving towards greater interdependency, collaboration and equality at all levels. That means shifting away from the primacy of self-interest and towards serving the larger social good. The traditional definition of success and manhood, along with attempts to maintain the vested interests in it, can, indeed, feel like standing on crumbling ground when you’re hit with large-scale social change and transformation that you don’t understand; or are told is harmful and must be opposed at all costs.

A version of this article also appeared in The Huffington Post.

Credit: The Huffington Post

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Renewed Interest In Open Marriages?

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This New York Times article by Tammy La Gorce looks at the practice of the open marriage from today’s perspective. She quotes my views as follows:

“Douglas LaBier, a psychologist and the director of the Center for Progressive Development...said that from a psychological perspective, people shouldn’t assume that openness in a sexual relationship is bad.

“What’s at the core of it is a desire to form a healthy relationship,” he said. “…people want relationships in which they feel emotionally fulfilled and connected, and for some couples that means being transparent about outside partners. In marriage, the motto of the future may be “live and let live.” 

“I see a much more tolerant, nonjudgmental openness emerging,” Dr. LaBier said. “Everyone is different. You figure out what works for you, and if it’s not imposing something on someone else or hurting someone else, it’s acceptable.”

My views may be “outlier,” but they are based on solid observation and data about shifts in our culture, as I’ve described in other posts here. Of course, such views will be criticized from other perspectives. For the full New York Times article, click here.

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Does More Money or More Time Bring Greater Happiness?

Screen Shot 2016-03-10 at 9.47.41 AMFebruary 23, 2016

Here’s a bit of new research I came across. It’s findings sound intuitively obvious, but I think it’s important to emphasize: The study found that valuing your time over the pursuit of money is linked to greater overall happiness. This finding highlights one aspect of a link between healthy personal values and psychologically healthy lives. I regularly see this in my work, and wish it would be more soundly emphasized by my fellow mental health professionals.

In the research, a series of studies of nearly 5,000 people was conducted by the University of British Columbia. It found that there’s a pretty even divide among people’s preferences for valuing their time vs. their money. Unfortunately — but not surprisingly, given our cultural view about what’s most “desirable” in life — only about half of the study’s participants said they valued their time over money. However, slightly more than half of the people were found to value their time over their money.

The important finding, however, was that the preference for giving priority to time over making more money was associated with greater happiness in life. And happiness, wellbeing, equanimity and psychological health are all interwoven.

The study is described in detail here, and was published in the journal Social Psychological & Personality Science.

Interestingly, the study also found that older people also were more likely to say they valued their time compared to younger people. This raises questions about the impact of age upon one’s values and overall life perspectives; and whether the shift in mentality and values hat occurs with increasing age can be supported and grown at earlier stages of life. Continue reading

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Can Divorce Increase Your Overall Health?

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Whether you approve or not, there’s no question that intimate relationships are steadily transforming — what we seek from them, how we engage in them, and what we define as desirable and fulfilling. Men and women increasingly pursue relationships that they define as positive, meaningful, and healthy, though they may differ from traditionally accepted norms. And the latter includes, even, recent advocacy regarding polygamy, as well as support for legalization of sex workers, as Amnesty International has announced,  Such developments stir considerable emotional and moral reactions, which is why it’s helpful to find research that studies that show how some of these shifts may to lead to positive outcomes regarding emotional and psychological health.

Here’s one example: It concerns the mental health impact of divorce. It’s an illuminating study because it contradicts previous research indicating that divorced and unmarried couples are less healthy than married ones. This current study, conducted by London-based researchers, found evidence to the contrary. For example, it found that people who have divorced and remarried are no more likely than those who have remained married to have cardiovascular or respiratory health problems in early middle age. And physical health is interwoven with mental health, as many studied have confirmed.

The research examined the health outcomes of people who are divorced, as well as unmarried, cohabiting couples. The research found that people born in the late 1950s who experience divorce and separation or live together without marrying “…have very similar levels of health in middle age to those who are married,” said lead author George Ploubidis in a Medical XPress summary. Continue reading

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Does Having More Money Or More Time Bring You Greater Happiness?

Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 5.27.45 PMJanuary 12, 2016

Here’s a bit of new research I came across. I think it provides an example of healthy values among psychologically healthy people; and should be emphasized by us mental health professionals. The study found that valuing your time over the pursuit of money is linked to greater overall happiness. Not surprisingly, only half of the study’s participants said they valued their time over money.

The research consisted of a series of studies of nearly 5000 people, conducted by the University of British Columbia. It found that there’s a pretty even divide among people’s preferences for valuing their time vs. their money. Actually, slightly more than half of the people valued their time over their money — which is encouraging. 

The study’s basic finding was that the preference for giving priority to time over making more money was associated with greater happiness in life. The study, described in detail here, and published in the journal Social Psychological & Personality Science, also found that older people also were more likely to say they valued their time compared to younger people.

The study noted that a participant’s gender or income didn’t affect whether they were more likely to value time or money. However, the researchers pointed out they didn’t include participants living at the poverty level who may have to prioritize money to survive. That’s understandable, but it also points out how strongly our culture — incorrectly — associates increasing material wealth with personal happiness and wellbeing in life overall, as though they go hand in hand. And once you go down that road, it’s endless: how much is “enough?” Our social values make the criteria for having “enough” very elusive.

Credit: CPD Archive

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Why It’s Possible To Alter Your Personality

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The novelist Norman Mailer wrote in The Deer Park, it’s a law of life that “one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same.”

So true, though many people believe that who you are – specifically, your personality – is fixed. In fact, much conventional thinking in psychology holds that our personalities remain constant.

But that’s not accurate: We’re always changing and evolving, in some way – for better or for worse. Many of us mental health professionals witness that occur among our patients. Keep in mind that who we may “become” is being shaped and determined by who we are right at this moment, by the kind of person we are inside; the qualities that we express in our daily lives, relationships and aspirations.

It’s good to see some recent research that confirms our capacity to change and grow dimensions of our personality. Change occurs from awareness of what aspects of our personality we want to develop, and working hard to “practice” them in daily life.

One example: Researchers at the University of Illinois conducted a study that tested the degree to which people could “grow” a particular personality trait or quality over a period of 16 weeks. The research, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that the participants who desired to change some dimension of themselves did so, in contrast to those who displayed less interest. The researchers pointed out that the results were modest, but that they show, “…at the very least, people’s personality traits and daily behavior tend to change in ways that align with their goals for change.”

They explained that it’s an unfolding process: “Goals led to changes in behavior, which led to changes in self-concept, which prompted more behavior change.”

I think this highlights the importance of having a vision of your more “developed” self; some aspect or dimension of your personality that you aspire towards. That has the effect of drawing you towards expressing those qualities of yourself, like being pulled by a magnet. Continue reading

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How Your Personality Can Change And Grow — Or Stagnate Over Time

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There’s an old Buddhist saying that if you want to see into your future, just look into a mirror. It’s true, that who we are right now, and at each moment of time into the future, shapes who we become – for better or for worse. Although that truth is evident to anyone who’s at all observant of how people’s lives unfold and evolve over time, it’s interesting to see empirical evidence supporting it. The latter helps those who think we’re fixed in our personalities over our lifetime. Unfortunately — and ironically — such people tend to be those of us in the psychological and mental health fields.

This new study from Germany focused on people who experience loneliness early in life can act in ways that increase that aspect of their personality – leading to more loneliness and poorer health over time. And the experiences we seek out can also affect and shape our personalities, in reverse, over time. As the research finds, “there’s evidence that personality changes as we get older. And just as we can strive to lose weight, there’s evidence we can intentionally change our personalities.

The researchers found that “our personality affects the likelihood that we’ll become more lonely (and feel less well) as we get older, but also that being lonely (and feeling less healthy) shapes our personality, potentially setting up a vicious circle of isolation.”

Although this study looked at negative personality traits and how they interact with life experiences, I think it’s more significant to consider how we can evolve and grow positive dimensions of ourselves over time, with conscious intent and a vision of how we want to “become.” Here, clinical evidence joins philosophical teachings. As the novelist Norman Mailer wrote in The Deer Park, it’s a law of life that “one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same.”

Credit: The Las Vegas Gentleman

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Why Are Women More Likely To Initiate Divorce?

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Some new data about divorce and non-marital breakups contains an unexpected finding, and I think it underscores an ongoing evolution in what people want and seek in their romantic relationships. The study, based on a survey of over 2000 heterosexual couples, found that women initiated nearly 70% of all divorces. Yet there was no significant difference between the percentage of breakups initiated by women and men in non-marriage relationships.

How to explain? I find that this data is consistent with what I and others have seen clinically. When men and women seek couples therapy and then subsequently divorce; or, when either partner seeks individual therapy about a marriage conflict that ends in divorce, it’s often the woman who expresses more overt conflict and dissatisfaction about the state of the marriage. On the other hand, the man is more likely to report feeling troubled by his wife’s dissatisfaction, but “OK” with the way things are; content to lope along as time passes.

In contrast, I find that younger couples – who are more likely to form non-marital but committed relationships — experience more egalitarian partnerships to begin with. When the relationship crumbles beyond repair, both experience that disintegration. Both are equally likely to address it – and part, if it can’t be healed.

These clinical observations are consistent with what the study’s lead author, Michael Rosenfeld, suggests — that women may be more likely to initiate divorces because the married women reported lower levels of relationship quality than married men. In contrast, women and men in non-marital relationships reported equal levels of relationship quality. Rosenfeld said his results support the feminist assertion that some women experience heterosexual marriage as oppressive or uncomfortable.

He adds, “I think that marriage as an institution has been a little bit slow to catch up with expectations for gender equality. Wives still take their husbands’ surnames, and are sometimes pressured to do so. Husbands still expect their wives to do the bulk of the housework and the bulk of the childcare. On the other hand, I think that non-marital relationships lack the historical baggage and expectations of marriage, which makes the non-marital relationships more flexible and therefore more adaptable to modern expectations, including women’s expectations for more gender equality.”

Credit: Moms Magazine

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Divorce, Separation, Co-Habitation — Good For Your Health?

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We’re in the midst of a steady, major transformation of how we think about intimate relationships — what we seek from them; and how we engage in them for mutual benefit. Increasing numbers of men and women pursue relationships that they define as positive, meaningful and healthy, although they may differ from traditionally accepted norms. So it’s good to see research evidence that sheds light on which of those shifts demonstrate positive outcomes with respect to emotional and physical health.

One recent study looked at the health outcomes of people who are divorced, as well as those who co-habit without marriage. Contrary to previous studies suggesting that divorced and unmarried couples experience less health than those who are married, this study, conducted by London-based researchers, found evidence to the contrary. Published in the American Journal of Public Health, the study found that individuals who have divorced and remarried are no more likely than those who have remained married to have cardiovascular or respiratory health problems in early middle age. The study has implications for younger generations as more people pursue unconventional relationships, and the reality of divorce continues to be an option for some.

“…Our research shows that people born in the late 1950s who live together without marrying or experience divorce and separation, have very similar levels of health in middle age to those who are married,” said lead author Gerge Ploubidis, in a Medical XPress summary. In fact, some even experienced health benefits, in the long term, despite going through divorce, according to the researchers. “Surprisingly, those men who divorced in their late 30s and did not subsequently remarry, were less likely to suffer from conditions related to diabetes in early middle age compared to those who were married.” In fact, although couples who married in their 20s and early 30s and remained married had the best levels of health, unmarried couples living together had almost identical standards of health.

The impact of a relationship, per se, was underscored by the finding that men and women who had never married or lived with a partner, had the worst health in middle age, with higher likelihood of conditions related to diabetes, cardiovascular and respiratory problems. In that respect, the missing element in this research, of concern to those of us in the mental health field, is what we can learn about the impact of shifting definitions of relationships upon psychological health. Recognizing that they are intertwined is crucial, and the subject of increasing study. For example, the links discovered between the gut, the brain, emotions, types of food consumed and inflammation.

Credit: Funologist

 

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Your View of the Future: It Can Increase Your Mental Health….Or Create Depression

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If you’re suffering from depression, you’re likely to believe that your emotional state generates negative thoughts and expectations about the future. After all, depression can color everything, so it’s natural to assume that a negative outlook reflects your depressed mood. And that’s the conventional thinking among most of us in the mental health professions, as well. But for many people the reality is the other way around: It’s how you envision the future that can make you depressed.

A new study supports this. I was happy to come across it because it’s what I’ve observed and emphasized for years: Your vision of your future “self” shapes your mental health. Specifically, a positive vision of what you aspire towards –– a picture of what you’re aiming for, a sense of new possibility –– acts like a kind of psychological magnet. It pulls you towards it, helping you find the path that will take you there. Picturing what you strive towards can feel as though it has tether connected to you, steadily tugging you towards it. That generates positive energy and wellbeing.

But if you lack that vision of possibility, you’re likely to remain more stuck if you’re already depressed. Or you may become depressed, as the new research shows. And even if you’re not, you’ll tend to feel stagnant and flat-lined about some important dimension of your life –– your relationship, your career, your sense of purpose.

The study I referred to was published in the British Journal of Clinical Psychology and conducted by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania. It concluded that a pessimistic view of the future may not be the result of depression but the cause of it. The researchers found that three kinds of pictures of the future, or “prospection,” can drive depression:

  • poor generation of possible futures
  • poor evaluation of possible future
  • negative beliefs about the future

According to the researchers, “Prospection belongs front and center in the study of depression…(and) that faulty prospection does drive depression. An understanding of how prospection shapes psychopathology may enable researchers to create more effective treatments and help distressed individuals to create brighter futures.”

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Positive Emotions Are Linked With Long-Term, Healthy Life

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This should be obvious, but it’s good to see another study showing the links between how we deal with stress and the ups and downs of life, emotionally; and our body’s inflammatory response. The level of inflammation affects many forms of disease. It’s significant for our long-term health.

This study, conducted by researchers at Penn State, and summarized in this report, found that adults who fail to maintain positive moods such as cheerfulness or calm when faced with the minor stressors of everyday life have elevated levels of inflammation. 

I think this research is particularly important because it shows that “resilience” to stress is more than the capacity to absorb, handle, and rebound in the face of stressful experiences. It also includes a pro-active mentality; a positive outlook and positive emotions in the face of life’s conflicts, negative experiences and unpredictability. That mental and emotional orientation plays a key role in the body’s level of inflammatory response when we’re stressed.

That is, the research showed that the frequency of daily stressors, in and of itself, was less consequential for inflammation than how an individual reacted to those stressors. “A person’s frequency of stress may be less related to inflammation than responses to stress,” said lead author Nancy Sin. “It is how a person reacts to stress that is important.” These findings add to growing body of evidence regarding the health implications of emotional response to daily stressors. 

In the short-term, with illness or exercise, the body experiences a high immune response to help repair itself. However, in the long term, heightened inflammatory immune responses may not be healthy. Individuals who have trouble regulating their responses may be at risk for certain age-related conditions, such as cardiovascular disease, frailty and cognitive decline, Sin said. “Positive emotions, and how they can help people in the event of stress, have really been overlooked,” Sin added.

Click here for the full summary from Penn State.

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Workers With a “Spirit of Life” Are More Productive – At Any Age

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Are the most energized and creative workers young, per se; or are they “young at heart?” A new study sheds some light on this: It found that your own sense of yourself; your overall attitude about life influences your work. I describe the findings below, but the study brings to mind that we often speak of the “spirit of youth” when describing an older person who conveys vitality, passion and engagement. However, I think it’s more accurate to think of that spirit as a spirit about life itself. It may be more embodied within or visible among younger people, but I attribute that to this: Many people in our culture enter a long descent into emotional, creative and spiritual stagnation — via the values of a self-centered, overly materialistic society. That’s what I see in so many of the people who have come to me for help – either for personal issues or career-related conflicts.

The study, published in the Journal of Applied Psychology, was described in The British Psychological Society’s publication, Research Digest, and it concludes that If you want a dynamic workforce, seek not the young, but the young at heart. The study surveyed over 15,000 employees from 107 companies to determine how subjective age influences workplace performance. It found that employees who felt substantially younger than their chronological age were more successful in meeting the goals they’d promised their managers they would achieve. Companies with more of these “young at heart” employees also tended to perform better overall, in terms of financial performance, efficiency and a longer tenured workforce. The survey also showed that organizations tended to have more young at heart workers when they offered both age-inclusive policies and, on average, their employees felt that their work was more important and meaningful.

This raises questions about what’s needed to counter that long descent that I described above. Among the possibilities are more meaningful, engaging work, which can enable people feel more vibrant and experience some impact upon the consequences of their contribution. When workers can feel young, energized by their work — and not judged and stereotyped — that facilitates the kind of dynamic performance thought to be limited to younger workers…until they begin that slow descent into stagnation.

Credit: Pharic Crawford 

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Why Low Self-Esteem Will Keep You Stuck Within a Bad Relationship

Screen Shot 2015-05-06 at 10.20.38 AMMay 5, 2015

I’ve often worked with individuals and couples who experience a diminished sense of their self-worth; low self-esteem. And when they find that their relationships have entered the dead zone, they are often stuck within them, unable to push for revitalizing them, if possible; or leaving. Even as they uncover the roots of their low self-worth, they often remain frozen in a bad, even destructive relationship.

Some recent research provides some empirical confirmation of what we know, clinically. It found that the partner with diminished self-esteem tends to avoid confronting problems or conflicts. That avoidance often reflects feelings of insecurity about the partner’s feelings for them, and leads to hunkering down and withdrawing from conflict that might be resolved through more open, transparent communication.

The research, conducted by the University of Waterloo, confirmed in essence that partners with low self-esteem tend not to voice relationship complaints with their partner because they fear rejection. “There is a perception that people with low self-esteem tend to be more negative and complain a lot more,” says Megan McCarthy, the study’s lead author. “While that may be the case in some social situations, our study suggests that in romantic relationships, the partner with low self-esteem resists addressing problems.”

And, “If your significant other is not engaging in open and honest conversation about the relationship,” says McCarthy, “it may not be that they don’t care, but rather that they feel insecure and are afraid of being hurt. We’ve found that people with a more negative self-concept often have doubts and anxieties about the extent to which other people care about them,” she says. “This can drive low self-esteem people toward defensive, self-protective behavior, such as avoiding confrontation.”

A summary of the research points out that people with low self-esteem’s resistance to address concerns may stem from a fear of negative outcomes. Sufferers may believe that they cannot speak up without risking rejection from their partner and damage to their relationship, resulting in greater overall dissatisfaction in the relationship.

“We may think that staying quiet, in a ‘forgive and forget’ kind of way, is constructive, and certainly it can be when we feel minor annoyances,” says McCarthy. “But when we have a serious issue in a relationship, failing to address those issues directly can actually be destructive.”

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The Enduring Impact of Loss…In Love and Life

Screen shot 2014-12-23 at 12.30.09 PMApril 28, 2015

As a young boy living in upstate New York, I loved roaming through the nearby woods and fields by myself, on summer days. One sunny afternoon I came upon a tall, thick-trunked tree that had a deep scar on it’s lower portion. It looked like it had been struck by lightning some years before, and was damaged there. Yet it continued to grow.

That memory came to mind recently, as I reflecting on experiences of loss in our relationships and lives, over time; and what endures from them. I recall an essay by the novelist Walter Mosley, who wrote about an awakening, as a small child – his first “mystery.” He described a memory of his three-year-old self in the backyard of his parents’ house, in which he realized, “These must be my parents” and he called out to them. “My mother nodded. My father said my name. Neither touched me, but I had learned by then not to expect that.”

He described ”an emptiness in my childhood that I filled up with fantasies,” and noted that “the primitive heart that remembers is, in a way, eternal.” Interestingly, Mosley grew into the acclaimed mystery novelist he is, today.

Sometimes an unexpected event triggers a memory of a once-meaningful adult relationship. It may have faded over time, but had etched itself onto our soul. For example, the writer Lee Montgomery described a drop-in visit by the son of her first lover, with whom she had many romantic and adventurous experiences in her early youth, during the 1970s. “When I think of Ian, I think of endless days hanging out in the woods and fields around our New England prep schools, sucking dope out of a metal chamber pipe. Ian showed me the world and taught me to live in it. New York City. The Great West. And Europe, where we lived for several months during his first college year abroad.”

Eventually, their relationship ended. She went on with her life, married, began a career. He inherited money, married, “…had no career that I knew of and shot himself when he was in his 30s.”

The son, quite young at the time his father committed suicide, was now about the age Montgomery when she and his father were lovers. He had dropped by her office hoping to hear some stories of what his father was like. Montgomery describes how fresh and alive the memories felt to her, as she drew into them: “Sitting across a booth studying this young man, I was overwhelmed. So many years later, I was stunned to find the feeling of first love still there.” Continue reading

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Money, Gratitude, Happiness: Are They Linked?

Screen Shot 2015-04-23 at 11.55.32 AMApril 21, 2015

A new piece of research suggests people who feel thankful and grateful experience greater happier in life than those who are more focused on material wealth and possessions. Interestingly, when the more materialistic people experience gratitude in some form, their level of happiness rises.

The study, summarized in BioSpace, was led by James A. Roberts of Baylor University. The researchers wanted to examine “the relationship between materialism – making acquisition of material possessions a central focus of one’s life – and life satisfaction.”

Many studies have shown that more materialistic people are generally less satisfied with their standards of living, their relationships and their lives as a whole. Given that, the researchers wondered if anything could moderate that relationship; that is, help materialistic people more satisfied with their lives.

That is, they raised the possibility that the experience of gratitude — viewed as the positive emotions you experiences when another person intentionally gives or does something of value to you — might stimulate greater overall happiness within the more materialist and less happy individual.

The research, described and published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, initially confirmed what previous studies had found: “People who pursue happiness through material gain tend to feel worse, and this is related to negative appraisals of their satisfaction with life.” But they also found that the experience of gratitude, when it occurred, also raised their satisfaction with their lives. On the other hand, the more materialistic people who experienced little gratitude or positive emotions had the least life satisfaction.

I think the most useful aspect of this research is not so much the finding that materialistic people might become happier if they experience gratitude, but rather the importance of seeing that appreciation, thankfulness and gratitude is part of health human development, and is a feature of positive, mutually supportive connections with others, in contrast to serving self-interest, alone – especially in the form of material acquisition.

Photo credit: CPD Archive

 

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