Category Archives: Modern Love, Sex & Relationships

Can “Playing Around” Boost Your Romantic Life?

By Douglas LaBier • April 3, 2021

A recent research review suggests that being playful in your romantic relationship is important for increasing the happiness and longevity of the relationship. Now, by “play around” I don’t mean checking out dating apps or Ashley Madison, unbeknownst to your partner. Nor do I mean “playing games”—which partners often do as a means to manipulate or dominate, and which creates much material for couples therapy.

No, being “playful” with your partner refers to engaging with playful attitudes, communication, and behavior. The research found that playfulness generates positive emotions and stimulates beneficial biological processes, including the activation of certain brain circuits. And that influences how the couple communicates and interacts—which helps deal with stress and tension. That, in turn, enhances the quality and duration of the relationship.

The study was published in Social and Personality Psychology Compass. Interestingly, it’s congruent with some other, unrelated research that shows how you can consciously shift your emotions and behavior around conflict and frustration in your daily life and relationship. 

For example, a study from the University of Miami found that people who can’t let go of small frustrations that occur from time to time—we all experience them—affect their brain activity in ways that lead to more negative emotions and less well-being. Dwelling in your annoyance or bruised ego intensifies negative emotions, which will often be displayed towards your partner in some form.  Continue reading

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New Pathways to Mental Health: What the Pandemic Reveals

By Douglas LaBier • December 30, 2020

Mental health issues have become highly visible since the arrival of COVID-19, acknowledged by the media, entertainers, sports stars, and even appearing in rap music. It’s good to see increasing openness about seeking help for depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol problems, and just the debilitating stress of isolation and confinement all mount in the reflection of the pandemic’s toll.

Interestingly, some new research points to features of mental health that will be needed for living in “The After Times,” which we’ll be heading into. Those findings link with what some have discovered creates greater emotional resiliency: Re-think what personal values make sense, and reflect on what they’re really living for. That’s one upside to some people’s experiences during “The Plague Year.”

And that’s important for mental health. Life will not return to what it was in “The Before Times.” As vaccines subdue the virus, much will be permanently altered: the physical workplace, attitudes about career pursuits, views about relationship conflicts and compatibility, how to conduct social life. And more broadly—perhaps most relevant to mental health—will be the increased revisiting of personal life goals and why they matter.

Here are a few emerging themes that link research with people’s experiences.

Step Outside Yourself 

For many, the pandemic has awakened a greater sense of impermanence, ephemeralness, about life. It’s no longer just a concept. Suddenly, the lockdown happened, and we were in the midst of changes affecting how we live, work, and socialize. Continue reading

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How to Increase Relationship Intimacy in Stressful Times

By Douglas LaBier • October 28, 2020

In these times, couples that work from home and see each other 24/7 recognize the difficulty of staying emotionally and romantically connected, especially if they have children. Your living environment can feel confining and stressful, and the whole situation makes it difficult to give enough continuous attention to your romantic relationship. Many people are speaking about this dilemma in their psychotherapy sessions. Some recent research, however, suggests that a few simple steps can help energize your intimate connection with your partner as we all live through these pandemic days. Knowing how to do that will also benefit your relationship in “normal times,” when, hopefully, they return. Here are some of the steps people can take:

Express More Than just “Thanks!”

One of these new studies found that when you take time to express appreciation to your partner for even small acts of thoughtfulness – but with more descriptive words of gratitude than you might normally offer – the recipient reports feeling more positive and intimate toward you, in return.

To explain, it’s been established that gratitude creates greater bonds between people, but the researchers noted that some expressions of gratitude might cause the other person to feel guilty or embarrassed. So they looked more deeply into what occurs with different forms of expression. They found that when you elaborate on how grateful you feel about your loved one’s response to your needs, your partner feels more loving, in return. And that enhances the relationship between the two of you. An example: Saying not just, “Thanks for remembering to pick up some things from the cleaners,” but something like “Hey, that was really thoughtful that you remembered. It helped with my crazy schedule; I really appreciate that!” The research, described here, found that those additional expressions of gratitude arouse more positive emotions in the recipient towards the partner. And that can be especially good for your relationship during this period of home confinement. The study was led by a team from the University of Toronto and published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Two other findings reveal what else can help:

Align Your Personal Desires

This study found that communicating and describing to your partner what you’re aiming for or seeking — it may concern your personal goals, your work, your desires — tends to evoke the same desires in your partner, in his or her own way. And that creates a greater sense of connection. However, the research, from the University of Basil and described here, raises the possibility of either positive or negative outcomes when you do that with your partner. As I described in a previous post about “radical transparency, the positive outcome of seeing a shared alignment is that it can strengthen feelings of intimacy; of being on the same “wavelength” on your journey together.

But it might also reveal that you’re not so aligned — that your partner reveals a desire for a different direction, or a different aim than your own. Of course, that could lead to positive, constructive efforts to resolve those differences. Or, it might expose deeper incompatibility. In any case, the stress of pandemic confinement upon couples highlights the importance of exploring whether you can create greater alignment in your individual life aims and desires during a stressful and uncertain time. And that outcome will carry over into post-pandemic times. The research was published in the Journal of Gerontology.

Finding Happiness With Each Other Increases Your Health

A third recent study found an interesting link: Couples that express happiness derived from just being together – through the ups and downs of life – tend to have greater overall health. Individuals in such couples experience less decline and fewer risk factors with age, according to the research, described here. I think that such couples are likely to share a common core of just enjoying each other’s company, along the way, whether by accident — “lucking out” with the right partner — or because they worked at building it. That was found in other research I described in a previous post as the “secret” of happy couples. The study linking happiness and health was conducted by Michigan State University and published in the Journal of Personality. 

The accumulated evidence from these and similar empirical studies confirms and underscores what we see in therapy with individuals and couples. The data adds helpful guidance for finding ways to sustain intimacy during this time of extended stress. Needless to say, that’s also helpful for sustaining your emotional and romantic connection over the long run of your relationship.

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A Relationship Secret of the Happiest Couples: New Research

By Douglas LaBier • August 20, 2020

Why do some relationships look so promising, yet dissolve over time? And why do others, whose partners seem hopelessly mismatched, grow stronger? Much research has tried to identify the individual characteristics that make for a successful relationship, including how couples deal with conflict or communicate. All shed some light on what may underlie relationship success. But a new study of over 11,000 couples reveals a key ingredient that’s easily overlooked or ignored — and it’s the major predictor of relationship happiness, romantic intimacy, and connection.

It’s not how well two prospective partners matched up on a dating site. It’s not about personality features, personal history, or interests. These do play a role in predicting long-term relationship success, but the study found they play a much smaller role than one might think.

What’s the “Secret?”

Simply put, the research found that strongest predictor is the kind of relationship the partners create together, over time. That is, the quality of the relationship they experience transcends individual traits or characteristics in predicting the couple’s happiness over time.

The study, from Canada’s Western University, was based on a different kind of analysis of information from 43 studies of the 11,000 couples. As lead author Samantha Joel stated, “It suggests that the person we choose is not nearly as important as the relationship we build.” It’s the overall way the partners relate to each other. The research shows, she adds, that “the dynamic that you build with someone — the shared norms, the in-jokes, the shared experiences — is so much more than the separate individuals who make up that relationship.” Continue reading

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Do You Need a Partner to Have a Happy Life?

By Douglas LaBier • July 29, 2020

Both men and women often lament their prospects for happiness if they don’t find a partner. I’ve heard this from those who seek to find the “right” person for a relationship that will last and bring joy to their lives, and from others who were in a relationship that ended and really long for another. They dread the prospect of “ending up alone.”

But what do we really know about how being with a partner relates to a happy life? New studies reveal information some about that and point to what does support a “happy” life – more accurately described as one of mental and physical well-being; a sense of growth over time; and a feeling that it’s worth being alive, despite the ups and downs of life and the inevitable transitions and changes we experience.

Let’s look at some recent research into relationships and happiness. A study from Michigan State University assessed the happiness level of over 7000 people – those married, previously married, and those who remained single — from age 18 to 60. The researchers sought to find out, as in the classic Tina Turner song, “What’s love got to do with it?” 

About 80 percent of participants had been consistently married, in one marriage; 13 percent had been in and out of relationships; and 8 percent had been consistently single. The researchers examined how the participants’ ratings of happiness related to the particular group they fell into.

The upshot of the study was that “…staking your happiness on being married isn’t a sure bet,” as co-author William Chopik reported. That is, the lifelong singles and those who had varied relationship histories didn’t differ in their level of happiness. Moreover, the lifelong married individuals showed only marginally higher levels of happiness. The research was published in the Journal of Positive Psychology. Continue reading

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What’s the One Thing the Happiest Couples Do Differently?

By Douglas LaBier • September 25, 2019

Couples often ask what it takes to build and maintain happiness—whether in daily life together or for the long term. A new study sheds light on that. Its findings reveal one thing that happy couples do differently from other couples. 

And the findings are consistent with what we see clinically, in couples who work through their issues in therapy and elevate a sustaining sense of happiness and positive connection with each other. But the research also reveals a downside to that “certain something” that happy couples do; and it is also crucial for sustaining a long-term, positive relationship, especially if ignored or swept under the rug.

To explain, the research, conducted by three universities, started out taking as a given that all couples deal with conflict; all will disagree and argue over a range of issues—for example, parenting behavior, financial matters, intimacy desires, and so forth.

To look beyond that, the study observed couples who were in their 30s, as well as those in their 70s—and who described themselves as happily married. Their years of marriage ranged from an average of nine among the younger couples to 42 years among the older ones. (Caveat: the couples were all heterosexual, mostly white, and educated).

For the research, the couples ranked their most and least serious issues. The findings revealed that the happiest couples argued about their issues in a specific way, across their age differences, and regardless of the length of their marriage years.

It was the way they argue that seems to make a difference: That is, they “tend to take a solution-oriented approach to conflict, and this is clear even in the topics that they choose to discuss,” said the study’s lead author Amy Rauer.  Continue reading

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Are You Always Drawn to the Same “Type” of Partner?

By Douglas LaBier • July 29, 2019

Some years ago, one of my patients—a 50ish woman who’d been having an affair with a business associate—remarked to me that she was starting to feel tired and bored with him. “Why?” I asked. She replied, “I’m realizing that he’s very much like my husband. Same personality!”

No surprise, according to some new research. A large-scale, multi-year study found that you tend to seek out relationships with the same type of person—over and over again. And, even when you’re determined to seek someone different from your previous relationship—this time around. Sound familiar?

This study was conducted in a unique way, to reveal more accurate findings. Let’s take a look at what it found. Then, we’ll consider what may help if you’ve concluded that your previous partner wasn’t a good match—perhaps because of personality, attitudes, or personal “issues.”

The research was conducted by the University of Toronto, and found that people often do decide they want to find a different kind of person when a relationship ends. But the data showed a strong tendency to date a similar personality, nevertheless.

According to the lead author Yoobin Park, “there was a “significant consistency in the personalities of an individual’s romantic partners… (and) the effect is more than just a tendency to date someone similar to yourself.” Continue reading

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Ready To Commit? You’ll Have Better Relationship Success

By Douglas LaBier • July 15, 2019

If you’re not feeling so certain about committing to your relationship, then it’s best to not do it. If you ignore your inner voice and commit anyway, you’re much less likely to have long-term relationship success. That’s apparent from a new study that found commitment “readiness” is a good predictor of relationship success.

According to the Purdue University study’s lead author Chris Agnew, “Feeling ready leads to better relational outcomes and well-being,” It amplifies the effect of psychological commitment on relationship maintenance and stability, he added. Moreover, The reverse is also true: The study found that when a person feels less ready for commitment while in a relationship, they are less likely to act in ways to support that relationship.

The study was based on over 400 adults in committed relationships. It looked at their sense that the current time was right for the relationship, their satisfaction with the relationship, and their investments in it. The findings revealed a strong correlation between one’s current sense of readiness and one’s commitment level. Greater readiness predicted lower likelihood of leaving a relationship. Those feeling greater readiness to commit were 25% less likely to breakup over time.

The study is described in more detail here, and published in Social Psychology and Personality Science.

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Five Ways To Spike Your Love Relationship

By Douglas LaBier • June 26, 2019

I frequently receive inquiries and questions about articles I’ve written here about intimate relationships. For example, I’m asked for more information about why so many “techniques” to improve romance and sex tend to fail. About how to reverse the decline into a “dead zone” that many couples experience over time. How you can keep sex and romance alive in the midst of daily life challenges. Or how the rise of affairs, polyamory, and the “open marriage” might impact your own relationship.

One thing is certain from the concerns I hear: The nature of our emotional, sexual, and intimate relationships is evolving in our society. Increasingly, men and women – straight and gay – are becoming open to different forms and varieties of partnership. Those who want to keep a mutually committed relationship alive and growing look for ways to do that, successfully. They know that doing so is challenging in this changing era, especially so, as we change over time — emotionally, physically and in our vision of life.

Fads won’t do it. But here are five ways that can:

1. Open yourself to awareness that you can’t “change” your partner – ever. You can’t “make” him or her be different than they are; or who you want them to be. They may choose to change, or grow in a different direction, but for their own reasons. The only impact you have is to be accepting of who your partner is, to begin with; rather than showing disappointment, disapproval, or pressure to change. There must have been something positive that drew you to your partner to begin with. Who is that person today, in real-time? Acknowledging that, them you can decide if it generates continuing caring and love – including the reality of your partner’s “flaws” or “imperfections;” or if it doesn’t. If the latter, then you have to decide how you want to deal with that. Dong this is what I describe as “creative indifference.” Continue reading

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Are Open Relationships as Healthy as Monogamous Ones? Yes!

By Douglas LaBier January 22, 2019

Accumulating research from several sources underscore that our society is evolving in many realms. A major example is the new generational transformation underway via the highly diverse “post-millennials.” Their shifts in attitudes and behavior will have significant impact upon our country, as the Pew Research Center has reported. Perhaps the most significant and pervasive change occurring in American society is the form of intimate relationships that men and women desire, seek and engage in, today.

That is, the features of a relationship that people find healthy and satisfying is broadening and diversifying. I’ve described some of those shifts here, writing about the increasing visibility of polyamory and “serial non-monogamy;” My explanation of why some affairs are psychologically healthy. And, the increasing acceptance of open relationships. This broad shift is visible across generations, and extends into the lives of aging baby boomers, even.

The open relationship in particular is moving into the mainstream. See, for example, the recent New York Times article highlighting it. The open relationship first became more visible some decades ago, when a book and a movie brought it into greater popular awareness. Of course, such arrangements had long existed; just not spoken about so openly. Most recently, an interesting new study examined the open relationship empirically, to determine its impact on participants’ emotions, sexuality and behavior.

In essence, the study found that partners in open relationships are as happy, satisfied, and experience well-being equally to those in monogamous relationships.

“We found people in consensual, non-monogamous relationships experience the same levels of relationship satisfaction, psychological well-being and sexual satisfaction as those in monogamous relationships,” said lead author Jessica Wood “This debunks societal views of monogamy as being the ideal relationship structure.”

For purposes of this study from the University of Guelph, an open relationship was defined as one that’s consensual and non-monogamous; in which all partners agree to engage in multiple sexual or romantic relationships, as they wish. The researchers pointed out that between three and seven per cent of people in North America are currently in a consensual, non-monogamous relationship. And that it’s more common than many people may think.

According to Wood, “We are at a point in social history where we are expecting a lot from our partners. We want to have sexual fulfillment and excitement but also emotional and financial support. Trying to fulfill all these needs can put pressure on relationships. To deal with this pressure, we are seeing some people look to consensually non-monogamous relationships.”

From my own work with men, women, and couples over the decades, I find that the old stigmas about open relationships – as well as the other forms of intimacy I cited above – are fading away. That fact is, people’s actual lives and relationship practices are ahead of the culture. The norms of the latter are visible in the researchers’ observation that open relationships are still “…perceived as immoral and less satisfying. It’s assumed that people in these types of relationships are having sex with everyone all the time. They are villainized and viewed as bad people in bad relationships, but that’s not the case.” That gap is visible when you look at the range of comments following the New York Times article, for example. Or, those following my article on healthy affairs.

Interestingly, the study found that people in non-monogamous relationships were just as satisfied with the relationship they had with their main partner as those in monogamous ones. Moreover, Wood added, “If you are fulfilling your psychological needs and are satisfied sexually, you are more likely to be happy in your partnership no matter the relationship structure.”

And that’s key: A relationship that’s fulfilling — emotionally, sexually and spiritually – having a sense of connection, and being on the same “wavelength,” is what most people seek. And that’s independent of the form it takes, conventional or otherwise.

The study was conducted with over 140 people in non-monogamous relationships and more than 200 in monogamous ones, and was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

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This article was originally published in Psychology Today

 

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Do Happy Older People Live Longer? Research Says Yes

November 6, 2018

Here’s some good news: A new study has found that an increase in happiness is directly related to a longer life. Needless to say, the challenge for individuals and societies is to determine what happiness and wellbeing consist of in today’s world — and and then promoting it through public policies.

But let’s take a look at the research: The study was based on 4,478 participants of a nationally-representative survey that examined the association between happiness and the subsequent likelihood of dying due to any cause, between 2009 and 2015. The survey was focused on individuals 60 years and older living in Singapore. The research, conducted by Duke-NUS Medical School was published in the journal Age and Ageing,

As described in this summary, the researchers found that among happy older people, 15% died prior to the end of 2015. But it was 20% among unhappy older people. Every increase of one point on the happiness score lowered the chance of dying due to any cause among participants by an additional nine percent. The likelihood of dying due to any cause was 19 percent lower for happy older people. The inverse association of happiness with mortality was consistently present among men and women, and among the young-old (aged 60-79 years) and the old-old (aged 75 years or older). 

“The findings indicate that even small increments in happiness may be beneficial to older people’s longevity,” explained senior author Rahul Malhotra. “Therefore individual-level activities as well as government policies and programs that maintain or improve happiness or psychological well-being may contribute to a longer life among older people.”

June May-Ling Lee, a co-author, added that the consistency of the data about the association of happiness with mortality across age groups and gender shows that all men and women – the young-old and the old-old, — all are likely to benefit from an increase in happiness. 

Previous studies have linked happiness or positive emotions with a range of better health outcomes, but the evidence on the effect of happiness on living longer has been inconclusive. Many previous studies have found happiness to be associated with a lower likelihood of dying, but this link disappears once differences in demographic, lifestyle and health factors between those less and more happy are accounted for. This study, however, assessed the association between happiness and mortality among older people, while accounting for several social factors, such as loneliness and social network.

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In And Out Of Your Relationship? Harmful To Your Mental Health!

September 4, 2018

Do you have a pattern of breaking-up-and-making up with your partner? If so, you’re not alone: Research finds that 60 percent of adults have experienced on-and-off relationships. No surprise: that’s a frequent storyline of movie and TV relationships.

But have you ever thought about how that pattern affects your mental health? Or, what it may reflect about yourself and the kinds of relationships–or partners–you seek?

If so, what might you need to know about building a sustaining, positive relationship; one that supports mental health and well-being for yourself and your partner?

New research from the University of Missouri sheds some light on these questions. It finds that the back-and-forth relationship pattern has a negative impact on mental health. Specifically, the data from over 500 people in current relationships found such a pattern was associated with increased anxiety and depression. Moreover, the researchers found that the breaking up-and-reuniting pattern was associated with higher rates of abuse, lower levels of communication, and poorer communication.

Kale Monk, the lead author of the study, published in Family Relations and described here, pointed out–correctly–that people who recognize themselves in this pattern need to “look under the hood of their relationship” to figure out what they are doing in their relationships. Doing so, however, can be difficult, even frightening, as most people who seek therapy for themselves or as a couple can attest. And then, what you can actually do to break the pattern and create a lasting relationship is another major challenge.

The authors of the study offer some good advice, per se, such as examining the why’s and how’s that led to breaking up; and that you should focus on the positives in the relationship, in order to reconcile permanently. Of course, that assumes that the relationship hasn’t become toxic and inherently unhealthy. 

The problem is that following the author’s advice is easier said than done. But there are some ways to engage with a partner with self-awareness and openness that can strengthen the likelihood of a sustainable, positive connection.

For example:

Review and learn from what you’ve done in previous relationships. What draws you to partners? What led to the breakup–or reconnection? What have you’ve learned, or haven’t? I call this doing a “relationship inventory.”

Practice “forgetting yourself” in the relationship. That means becoming aware that your relationship is a third entity that needs to be served and serviced in its own right. That’s a different perspective and way of relating from serving just your own needs and desires, especially when that triggers domination or submission from either of you. 

Learn to be transparent with each other. Showing your own –and being receptive to your partner’s–desires, fears, hopes, vulnerabilities. If you commit to doing that, you’re planting the seeds for growing intimacy and a sustaining relationship–one that becomes stronger over time rather than a revolving door.

A version of this article was also published in Psychology Today

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What Raises—or Lowers—Your Sexual Attraction To Someone?

August 7, 2018

You might think that you know when you feel romantic interest in a new person. It might be a powerful rush, or less so, but certainly strong enough to make you want to get to know the prospective partner, and see if it becomes a good romantic match or not. Moreover, you might find that your romantic interest increases if you receive mixed signals about whether he or she is equally interested in you; that the uncertainty is a turn-on. After all, many think that playing “hard to get” heightens romantic interest and pursuit.

But some interesting new research suggests that it doesn’t work that way.

An interrelated series of six studies found that when you feel uncertain about a potential partner’s sexual interest in you, then that partner actually becomes less sexually appealing to you. The research, conducted by Israeli’s Herzliya Center and the University of Rochester, described here, found that it’s when you believe a prospective partner is reciprocating interest in you that you find that partner more sexually attractive than you would if you aren’t as certain about his or her interest in you.

That is, the research shows that if you feel uncertain if a prospective partner is romantically interested in you, that partner becomes less sexually attractive to you; not more. Why might that happen? According to co-author Harry Reis,“People may protect themselves from the possibility of a painful rejection by distancing themselves from potentially rejecting partners,” That could lead to feeling less romantic interest in the person, despite what you might have felt initially. That shift of emotions protects you from anticipated pain.  Continue reading

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Are Millennial Men Rejecting “Manhood”?

June 26, 2018

In this era of #MeToo, and controversy about “toxic masculinity,” some new research is very relevant: It indicates a shift is underway in how young men envision “manhood” — in their attitudes, their values, and their behavior — in their relationships, their careers, and their view of “success.” I think we’re in the midst of a generational evolution with large-scale societal and political implications.

To illustrate, one study of over 600 millennial-aged men found that they are likely to be selfless, in contrast to the old “looking out for number one” attitude. They are also socially engaged with issues and causes and are highly health-conscious.

Overall, this study from the University of British of Columbia found that the masculine value they most strongly endorsed was selflessness. As described in this report, “Ninety-one per cent of the men agreed that a man should help other people, and 80 percent believed that a man should give back to the community. Openness also ranked highly — 88 per cent said a man should be open to new ideas, new experiences, and new people — and so did health, with a majority of participants saying that men should be healthy or in good shape.”

Moreover, the traditionally “male” values ranked lower on the scale. They are still valued by the majority of participants, but less so than other values. For example, 75 per cent of the men said that a man should have physical strength, compared with 87 per cent who said a man should have intellectual strength, and 83 per cent who said emotional strength. Autonomy was also ranked lower, with 78 per cent saying that a man should be “independent.” 

I think these findings are significant as generational shifts continue.  Although the study was conducted with men from Western Canada, they likely reflect a broad, growing theme among the attitudes and values among younger people who enter adulthood in an increasingly diverse, interconnected world. As lead author John Oliffe said, they “…seem to be holding masculine values that are distinctly different from those of previous generations. These values may run counter to long-standing claims that young men are typically hedonistic, hypercompetitive, and that they risk or neglect their health.” Added co-author Nick Black, they “…are expanding their definition of masculinity to include values like openness and well-being. The study was published in Psychology of Men & Masculinity. 

We’re also witnessing the impact of millennial values — among both men and women — upon the workplace, in how they deal with their work and careers. For example, a new study finds that millennials are prone to leave their jobs when they experience a “values gap” between themselves and the workplace culture – particularly around sustainability issues.

That’s especially notable because it contrasts with older generations. That is, many people report great dissatisfaction and dislike with their management and leadership culture, as many surveys and polls show. But most tend to suffer emotionally and physically; often frozen in place, perhaps from fear of losing what they already have, or insecurity about change.

Millennials appear to have a different mentality altogether. A summary of this new study from the University of Missouri reports that millennials tend to job hop – something well known about them, and that older workers don’t understand. And a major reason is that they feel a disconnection between their personal values and the workplace culture. As one of the researchers, Rachel LoMonaco-Benzing explained, “Not only did we find a gap, but we also found that workers were much more likely to leave a job if they felt their values were not reflected in the workplace.”

Co-author Jung Ha-Brookshire added “They have been raised with a sense of pro-social, pro-environment values, and they are looking to be engaged. If they find that a company doesn’t honor these values and contributions, many either will try to change the culture or find employment elsewhere.” The researchers say that companies need to understand that the new generation of workers have high ethical and social expectations. The study was published in the journal Sustainability.

All of these changes in values, attitudes and behavior among millennials are likely to have increasing impact on all realms of our society in the years ahead. Stay tuned!

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A version of the article previously appeared in Psychology Today
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Will Your Relationship Have A Short Shelf-Life? How To Tell

June 5, 2018

Whether you’re hoping to heal conflict in your relationship; or if things are going well and you want to sustain your good connection on into the future, you know that doing either is complicated. To establish and sustain a romantic and sexual relationship is a challenge in many ways: Understanding each other on a deep, intimate level; fostering honest communication; growing your intimacy. All are difficult, especially in today’s world of multiple demands, everyday stress and responsibilities. Paradoxically, the most unlikely looking relationships often prove to be the most sustaining. And those that appear made in heaven often dissolve, to the consternation of friends and family. Why is this?

What can help you clear these muddy waters is learning what knowledge we have about relationships that succeed or fail; that result in a short shelf-life or continued growth. Some of the most useful information reflects academic, empirical research that validates what we know and observe clinically, from people’s real life, everyday situations and experiences. That is, when academic research data and clinical findings go hand-in-hand.

The problem is that they often don’t. And that creates confusion and misleading information. Recently I came across two different studies that illustrate the downside of that kind of academic research. It usually consists of pre-and post-tests of questions about situations that the researchers think mimic “real life.” And then, flawed or naïve conclusions are drawn from the results.

To explain, let’s look at two recent studies. Their conclusions don’t help clarify when a relationship might be in danger, or might last. But that very failure points to what you need to know that can be helpful. One study of 151 heterosexual men and women, concluded that those who are most attracted to “bling” – material wealth, flashy possessions, and the like – will prefer short-term relationships. Continue reading

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Millennial Men Value Altruism And Self-Care Above Traditional Male Qualities

May 22, 2018

Here’s some encouraging news: A new study of 630 millennial-aged men finds that contrary to popular stereotypes, young men today are likely to be selfless, socially engaged and health-conscious. The research found that the most strongly endorsed masculine value is selflessness. According to the research, from the University of British Columbia, “Ninety-one per cent of the men agreed that a man should help other people, and 80 per cent believed that a man should give back to the community. Openness also ranked highly—88 per cent said a man should be open to new ideas, new experiences, and new people—and so did health, with a majority of participants saying that men should be healthy or in good shape.” 

Although the study was conducted with men in Western Canada, I think it reflects a broad, growing theme among attitudes and values among younger generations in today’s increasingly diverse, connected world

As described in this report, more traditionally “male” values ranked lower on the scale, but were still valued by the majority of participants. Seventy-five per cent of the men said that a man should have physical strength, compared with those who said a man should have intellectual strength (87 per cent) or emotional strength (83 per cent). Autonomy also tracked lower with 78 per cent of the men agreeing that a man should be “independent.”

“Young Canadian men seem to be holding masculine values that are distinctly different from those of previous generations. These values may run counter to long-standing claims that young men are typically hedonistic, hypercompetitive, and that they risk or neglect their health,” said lead author John Oliffe. Nick Black, a co-author, believes many young Canadian men are expanding their definition of masculinity to include values like openness and well-being.

“As a millennial myself, I can see these values reflected in the lives of men around me,” said Black. “They want to be both caring and strong, both open to others and self-sufficient, and they see no contradiction in these values.”

The study was published in  Psychology of Men & Masculinity

Credit: Pexels

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Will Your Relationship Last? Not If It’s Really Lust!

April 24, 2018

A typical example: Two people meet, and just know it’s “love at first sight.” Passion reigns; they become attached and believe they’ve found their soul mate. Then what happens? In many cases, you hear that after several months or so, they’ve separated. Or they sink into a depressing reality that they might not really have an enduring relationship, after all. Why does that experience of sudden connection – a feeling of intense, genuine love — often fade fairly quickly? It’s intoxicating, but as a new study shows, it’s actually just lust, not love. 

And that experience reflects a broader theme about flaws in how we think about and seek intimate relationships in our culture. At the same time, there is evidence about what does support long-term sexual-romantic partnerships.

First, the research about lust. Published in Personal Relationships, it looked at the experience of love at first sight reported by 360 participants. It found that the belief that one has fallen instantly in love is a genuine experience, but it’s not really about love; it’s more of a strong physical attraction.

The study, described here  found that among those who describe a strong, positive relationship in the present, their recall of the past – that love at first sight experience – is likely “…a confabulated memory…a projection of their current feelings into the past,” according to researcher Florian Zsok  That is, “our findings suggest that love at first sight reported at actual first sight resembles neither passionate love nor love more generally.” It’s more likely “…a strong initial attraction that some label as ‘love at first sight’ – either retrospectively or in the moment of first sight.”

Most people want sustaining romantic and sexual relationships, but our culture has fostered a view of love that’s essentially a version of adolescent romance. I’ve written about that hereand why it often fuels endless struggles for dominance, manipulation and control – along with a sense of being “in love.” Passion may reflect little knowledge about the real person you’ve fallen in love with, and more about your own enthrallment with your heady experience of feeling “in love.”

So what does keep love alive and thriving among successful couples? How do those couples relate to each other, day to day? How do they deal with fluctuations of sexual interest over time?  Continue reading

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Worry Your Partner Will Dump You? Then It May Be More Likely

March 28, 2018

Bob, in his early 40s, has been with his partner, Jane, about two years. That’s the longest of his past relationships, following a brief marriage in his early twenties. He says he’s pretty sure he loves Jane, but that he always feels he needs to keep a foot out the door. Sometimes, that’s because he questions if she’s the “right one” for him, after all. But mostly, he thinks Jane might decide to leave him. When asked why, he says that she makes critical comments and judgments about him, and he recoils, rather than engage her about what she’s seeing or responding to. That’s when he starts thinking that she’s giving him a prelude to dumping him.

Aside from the question of whether Bob and Jane are truly “right” for each other for a sustaining, loving relationship, Bob’s constant questioning about leaving or being left does appear to illustrate “insecure attachment,” one of the forms of relationship connection that originate in early development. And that is something he would be wise to work on in psychotherapy.

But regardless of whether Bob’s relationship uncertainty is rooted in insecure attachment or other experiences, here’s the irony: His very fear of its ending, in itself, makes that outcome more likely. We see that play out clinically, in many couples’ lives: One or the other partner — or both — think he or she will leave or be left. And that, in fact, is more likely to happen, unless they deal with what each of them is doing in the relationship that could be improved. Now, some empirical research has demonstrated that ironic outcome. The research was conducted in Italy with 104 couples who were in a romantic relationship, and described in this summary . Although I think the study is flawed, as I explain below, it’s useful in showing that the expectations you bring into a relationship, from personal experience or outside information, influence how you behave towards your partner – for better or for worse. Moreover, the study highlights the need for more focus on what builds and supports long-term, sustaining vitality in intimate relationships. Continue reading

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Why Bother Staying Married?

February 27, 2018

Life has changed a great deal since we entered the 21st Century. Massive, worldwide economic, political and social upheavals are impacting all areas of our lives. Marriages (and equivalent relationships) are no exception. In fact, long-term relationships face new stresses and challenges. People enter them within a world of shifting social norms, diversity, and increasing openness about emotional and sexual engagements, including ones that differ from the conventional.

These new realities raise a important question for couples to face, head-on: Do you want to stay married at this point in your life — in your relationship as it now exists, and at this time in our culture?

Consider this: It may be psychologically healthier to end your marriage. That is, I think that the conditions and challenges of the 21st world – the “new normal” – point to considering a more radical way of life: Engaging in two different kinds of marriages may be a better response to the emotional and sexual realities of our fluid, interconnected world.

On the other hand, you might decide to reconstitute you marriage in ways more in synch with how each of you are “evolving” in your individual lives; and more consistent with your vision of what you want a partnership to be as you become older.

Let me explain both paths. Increasingly, people recognize that our post- 9-11 world — the economic downturn, global crises and uncertainties, the impact of climate change, the increasing diversity of our population, global interconnection, and a host of other shifts – all of it forms a new era of uncertainty, unpredictability and diminished expectations of career and material success. Continue reading

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Why Apologies From High-Profile People Sound Insincere

February 13, 2018

Nearly every day we see examples of this: A high-profile person violates an accepted standard of conduct, or crosses the line into clear illegality. Then, when exposed or caught, he or she quickly and profusely apologizes. Most visible are the politicians, entertainers, corporate executives or others in the public eye. They’re quick to express “deep regret” or remorse for their misconduct. And they commit to becoming “better people,” ask forgiveness from whomever, and so on.

In most cases, no one really believes them. But is it just that many appear to be hypocrites with respect to the public image they’ve cultivated or the political stands they’ve taken? Certainly, that’s part of the reason. But some new research provides additional understanding why some people who apologize for transgressions often appear insincere in their expressions of remorse. And the findings mesh with what you probably sensed all along.

This international study from Israel, the US, and the Netherlands found that the greater the social status of the person who apologizes, the less sincere and authentic they will be perceived as being. According to one of the authors, Arik Cheshin, and described in this summary “The high-status person is perceived as someone who can control their emotions more effectively and use them strategically, and accordingly they are perceived as less sincere. The more senior they are, the less authentic their emotions are perceived as being.”

The study, published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, consisted of a series of experiments with hundreds of participants, and is described in detail here. The upshot was that participants in the study were told about individuals who committed a transgression, and then apologized. Some were identified as CEOs, and others, as lower-level employees. The findings were that the emotions of those who were shown the CEOs were perceived as less sincere than the lower level employees.

The data of the study indicated a perception of the more powerful, higher-status person as someone is able to use emotions in strategic, self-serving ways. According to Cheshin “The assumption is that the CEO has much more to lose, and accordingly has a stronger motivation to try to use their emotions to create empathy. Accordingly, the participants described them as less sincere.” Continue reading

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Why Depressed Fathers Are Likely To Have Depressed Teenagers

November 24, 2017

Adolescents whose fathers suffer from depression are likely to develop depression themselves, according to a long-term study of nearly 14,000 families. I think research findings about links like these raise important questions about their meaning and source. In this case, what accounts for fathers becoming depressed to begin with? And how does their depression help explain depression in their children? I think answers exist, and they reflect three sources. They reveal a more complex picture about could help, beyond just medication and therapy that quells the symptoms.

To explain, let’s take a closer look at the study, led by University College London, and published in Lancet Psychiatry. It was based on two longitudinal studies of children growing up in Ireland and Great Britain. The studies followed children between 7- and 9-years-old; and again between 13 and 14. As described in a UCL report, the study was the first to find first to find an association between depression in fathers and their teenage children, independent of whether the mother has depression. The findings held up when adjusted for possible factors such as maternal depression, family income, and alcohol use.

“There’s a common misconception that mothers are more responsible for their children’s mental health, while fathers are less influential, but we found that the link between parent and teen depression is not related to gender,” said the study’s lead author, Gemma Lewis.“The mental health of both parents should be a priority for preventing depression among adolescents. There has been far too much emphasis on mothers but fathers are important as well.”

Although the research was conducted with Irish and British families, I think the findings ring true with what we often see clinically in the U.S. as well, among men, women and families who seek psychotherapy—or who suffer in silence—from depression, anxiety or other debilitating emotional conflicts.

So: What might be the source, and what could help? Continue reading

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Midlifers Have Sex Outside Of Marriage In Rising Numbers

September 26, 2017

Midlifers are reporting extramarital sex at a higher rate than their younger counterparts. But what do these numbers really mean? I have a few thoughts about that, so let’s first take a look at what this research from the University of Utah revealed.

Initially, it looks like nothing much has changed. The overall numbers of people who have extramarital sex have pretty much held steady over the years. But this report, “America’s New Generation Gap in Extramarital Sex,” revealed a new pattern by age: Midlifers show an upsurge in their frequency of sex outside of marriage.

As the lead author, Nicholas H. Wolfinger explains in this summary, midlifers have been reporting increased rates of extramarital sex since the mid-2000s when the numbers reported by people in their 50s and beyond and those married for 20 or more years began to diverge. (The full report was published by the Institute for Family Studies.)

In my view, there are both overt and less visible reasons behind this shift. The report suggests some that are more obvious; visible in many psychotherapy patients as well as the general public: The rise in boredom, disenchantment, or conflict during the course of a long-term marriage. That, coupled with a broader experience of midlife crisis that some experience—about their relationship, career, and sense of life purpose—can trigger a desire for looking outside the marriage for renewed vitality and excitement via a new partner.

I’ve previously written about some of those issues. For example, what enables couples to sustain long-term emotional, sexual and spiritual connection, and avoid descending into the “death spiral” of their relationship; or turning it into one that’s functional, but lifeless

Those are difficult challenges. And they are likely exacerbated by a second reason: Continue reading

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Regrets About Sacrificing For Your Partner? This May Be Why

August 22, 2017

One of the hallmarks of a loving, healthy relationship is when partners envision their relationship as a kind of third entity—something in need of being served and supported in itself, by mutual accommodation; perhaps sacrificing what you want, sometimes, not just using the relationship as a vehicle for getting your partner to serve your own needs and desires.

But can accommodation and support for each other—mutuality—go too far, in ways that undermine the relationship? It can, especially when emotional issues, often unconsciously expressed, drive a partner’s agreeableness. That can give rise to depression and, especially, regret and resentment. We see that in psychotherapy often, with couples who bicker and foment over what each says he or she went along with for the other, but says it was “unappreciated.”

Recent empirical research documents how that happens, and why. Further, research shows that feeling supported by your partner is linked with greater willingness to take on new challenges and with overall greater wellbeing.

To explain and unravel all this, first consider that feature of positive, healthy intimate relationships. These partners consciously practice showing mutual support to each other’s needs, always with an eye towards what best serves their relationship long-term. They do this with an understanding that when differences arise, they’ll find compromise, a “middle way.” Sometimes that means “giving in” to the other’s desires in a particular situation—knowing that doing so best serves the relationship as a whole. But most importantly, that’s done with trust that neither one will exploit the sacrifice for manipulative, self-serving purposes.

But men and women don’t enter relationships in a vacuum. We learn gender roles in our intimate relationships. We form our patterns of attachment and connection from social norms and culture and from our experiences with our parents. That inevitably includes some emotional issues that may lie dormant, and intrude upon our relationships as adult. Many memoirs depict that with devastating, often painful accuracy.

Regretting Your Sacrifice To Your Partner

Foremost among those personal issues is the consequence of bringing a low level of self-worth or self-regard into the relationship. Or when you feel insecure about how much you can trust or count on your partner’s professed caring and love. The consequences can lead to accommodating and supporting what your partner wants as an ongoing way of relating to him or her. That fuels an imbalanced, unhealthy partnership, and is likely to generate a backlash of resentment, beneath the surface, until it erupts or just remains submerged, where it festers and creates a range of symptoms. That’s what we often see in both individual and couples therapy.

Now, a recent study from the Netherlands documents that, from a study of 130 couples. Summarized in this report, the research found that people with low self-esteem tend to feel Continue reading

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Is Just Sex The Key To A Lasting Relationship?

May 30, 2017

Is sex the key to a lasting relationship? It appears to be the case, according to some new research, but the full picture is complicated, and the findings raise an obvious question: What enables and sustains a couple’s long-term romantic and sexual connection to begin with?

Let’s take a look.

This study focused on recently married couples, and found links between frequency of sex and its positive impact on the relationship over time. (Previous research has also found a similar effect among older couples.) Needless to say, if both partners enjoy sex, per se, and presumably with each other, then yes, that’s likely to enhance their relationship satisfaction. But what enables that desire, in itself? We know that long-term relationships often head south over time: Diminished energy and intimacy in your relationship inevitably affects you and your partner’s sexual connection. That is, the state of your relationship will follow you into the bedroom.

So, just having sex, in the absence of a thriving relationship, is unlikely to be very pleasurable, nor will it translate into increased marital satisfaction over time; actually, it could diminish it. Mental health professionals who’ve worked with relationship issues recognize that from our patients’ experiences in therapy. True, some couples try to smooth over a flatlined or troubled relationship by trying to just have sex anyway, or by having “make-up sex” or even “angry sex” after a fight. Other couples look to recharge their sexual relationship by turning to the latest techniques or suggestions from books, workshops, or the media.

These are understandable but misguided efforts, and they reflect a broader problem: We absorb very skewed notions about sexual needs, behavior, and romantic relationships as we grow up. (I described some of the dysfunctions that result in an earlier post about the differences between “hook-up sex,” “marital sex,” and “making love.”)

But in contrast, couples’ actual experiences and some empirical research show what partners do when they are successful at sustaining positive connection, emotionally and sexually. In essence, they build and live an integrated relationship, one that combines transparency in communication, conscious mutuality in decision-making, and a commitment to create conditions for maintaining erotic energy in their physical/sexual life. Continue reading

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Hurt Your Relationship Through This Quick And Fast Way!

March 28, 2017

Kathy and Paul were talking one night after dinner about plans for a summer vacation, and soon found themselves disagreeing with each other’s suggestions. At one point, Kathy raised the idea of a trip to a national park area. Paul had a sudden flashback: A similar trip some years ago, which ended in disaster. Bad lodging, terrible weather, and bickering about why they had done that trip to begin with. Paul recalled that Kathy had been more interested in it than he was, but that he had gone along with it to please her.

Suddenly, Paul made a negative comment about a recent furniture purchase. He told her he thought it was too expensive — and ugly to boot, but had gone along with it because she liked it. “Why are you bringing that up now?” Kathy asked, angrily. “That’s got nothing to do with planning our trip!” Their conversation deteriorated from there, and they didn’t speak to each other for the rest of the evening.

So what happened? Some new research from the University of Waterloo sheds light on how and why. But relationships are complicated: Some other studies find that attempts to heal disagreements may have an opposite effect, depending on the situation and the needs or vulnerabilities of each partner.

First, the Waterloo research, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin: It found that when one partner recalls a negative experience from the past — triggered by something in the present that has no real connection to it – that partner is likely to bring up most any annoyance or irritation from the present. The researchers called that “kitchen thinking,” because partners throw everything but the kitchen sink into the argument.

The study’s co-author Kassandra Cortes said, “When memories feel closer to the present, those memories are construed as more relevant to the present and more representative of the relationship. If one bad memory feels recent, a person will also be more likely to remember other past slights, and attach more importance to them.”

That is, that if a partner’s past transgression or slight feels like it happened yesterday — even if it didn’t — he or she is more likely to remember it during new, unrelated arguments. So, even if neither partner mentions an old transgression during the current argument or disagreement, just thinking about it could erupt in ways that hurt the relationship in the present.

And then, the other partner is likely to feel befuddled; even angry, unable to understand why their partner has become so upset over something so seemingly minor. Moreover, that can have lasting effects: The researchers found that partners who tend to recall previous slights or wounds during new conflict tended to react more destructively, with more conflicts and more negative feelings about their relationships, in general.

Other studies, though, present somewhat contradictory findings about what helps couples deal with conflicts or emotionally distressing experiences. For example, research from SUNY at Binghamton found that being supportive and positive towards your partner in an effort resolve a conflict can backfire, and actually raise the partner’s stress level. And, in other situations, behaving in ways that appear unsupportive can have a paradoxical, positive impact.

On the other hand, another study, from the University of Alberta and published in Developmental Psychology, found that conveying empathy and showing direct emotional support to an unhappy or troubled partner enhances the partner’s mental health and helps the overall relationship. 

Psychologically, I think these seemingly mixed findings illustrate that people who experience underlying anxiety and insecurity in their relationships and who often fear abandonment – whether consciously or unconsciously — will tend to experience past slights as being closer in time to the present, and react to them in the present, compared to those who feel more secure. Moreover, their degree of security in relationships can lead to outwardly contradictory responses to either empathic or non-empathic communications from their partners.

Overall, I think that even couples who experience secure attachment personally and with each other would benefit from practicing what I’ve described here as “radical transparency”  — mutual disclosure and openness — especially when a situation generates conflict or differences. That is, become transparent right then, when the issue arises. Ignoring what you experience or thinking you can dismiss it is likely to render it semi-underground, where it brews…awaiting for an opportunity to infect a new situation.

Credit: Flickr/Sage Therapy

A version of this article also appeared in Psychology Today.

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Why Men And Women Want Different Kinds Of Help In Couples Therapy

January 31, 2017

I don’t this this will shock any psychotherapist who’s provided couples therapy – nor many of the couples who’ve ever sought it: A new study found that men tend to want a quick “fix” of the problems, while women seek a forum to express their feelings. Of course, that’s a typical feature of conventional gender relations, unfortunately. And it often plays out in daily life. But this new study documents empirically how it occurs it therapy, as well.

The study was led by researchers from the University of Portsmouth, and described in a report from the British Psychological Society. They asked 20 experienced therapists whether they had identified gender differences in any aspects of their work. All 20 of the reported noticing gender differences in one or more aspect of therapy, and that, in general, “men want a quick fix and women want to talk about their feelings.”

A second, related study from Northumbria University asked 347 members of the general public to say what kind of therapy they would like if they needed help. The men and women in this group, half of whom reported having received some form of therapy, showed similar differences. For example, men more than women expressed a preference for sharing and receiving advice about their concerns in informal groups. In contrast, more women than men preferred psychodynamic psychotherapy, which focuses on emotional experiences and past events. 

Interestingly, when it comes to coping with couples conflicts, the study found that women more than men used comfort eating, whereas men more than women used sex or pornography. 

One of the researchers, John Barry, pointed out that, “Despite the fact that men commit suicide at three to four times the rate that women do, men don’t seek psychological help as much. It is likely that men benefit as much as women from talking about their feelings, but if talking about feelings appears to be the goal of therapy, then some men may be put off.”

So true! 

Now this study was with a British population, but I think it pretty much mirrors what we experience in the US, as well. Despite shifts many men are making towards greater emotional awareness and exposure, the allure of just “fixing” the problem and “moving on” is still strong.

Credit: CPD Archive

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Why Good Communication Won’t Improve Your Relationship

screen-shot-2016-10-19-at-11-51-10-amOctober 18, 2016

Couples often ask for advice about for how they can improve their communication. “If we could just find better ways to communicate with each other,” they say, “we would have a much better relationship.” So they seek couples therapy, they go to workshops for learning new relationship “skills;” and they read the latest books and articles about communication techniques and strategies.

But If better communication could create more intimate, loving and sustaining relationships, why are so many couples unable to find what works? The answer is that they may be on a “fool’s errand.” Good communication, per se, doesn’t make relationships better. Rather, good communication is a feature, an outcome, of having created a positive, sustaining relationship to begin with; not it’s source.

Some new research, as well as observational studies of couples that experience positive, lasting and energized relationships can help explain this. First, a recent study from the University of Georgia looked at the connection between communication and the degree of satisfaction that couples report. It found that good communication in itself could not account for how satisfied partners were with their relationships over time.

The researchers recognized that other factors must be influencing couples’ satisfaction; and that good communication can result from those other factors. According to Justin Lavner, the lead author of the study, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, the more satisfied couples do communicate better on average than those who are less satisfied. That’s expected: “In general…the more satisfied you are, basically, the better you communicate.”

However, in the majority of cases, communication did not predict satisfaction. “It was more common for satisfaction to predict communication than the reverse…satisfaction was a stronger predictor of communication. These links have not been talked about as much,he added. “We have focused on communication predicting satisfaction instead.”

The Roots of Positive Relationships

That may be why so many couples seek better communication only to discover that it doesn’t help much. Positive relationships — one’s that sustain vitality and intimacy at all levels over time  Continue reading

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Singles Experience Greater Personal Growth Than Married People

Screen Shot 2016-08-16 at 2.27.42 PMAugust 16, 2016

Our culture is witnessing growing diversity in how people choose to live; with whom, their traditions and norms. But it’s practically a stereotype to portray single people as unhappy, unfulfilled, and lonely; perhaps emotionally troubled. Of course, that can be true for some. We see some psychotherapy patients, for example, who are single and experience significant conflicts in their romantic quests.

But that’s also a misleading assumption. In fact, new research from UC Santa Barbara turns that picture of single people on its head: It finds that single people have heightened feelings of self-determination and are more likely to experience more psychological growth and development than many married people.

According to the study’s lead author, Bella DePaulo, “It is time for a more accurate portrayal of single people and single life – one that recognizes the real strengths and resilience of people who are single, and what makes their lives so meaningful,” DePaulo adds, “The preoccupation with the perils of loneliness can obscure the profound benefits of solitude.”

And there are plenty who are solitary. Currently, Bureau of Labor Statistics show that 50.2 percent of the nation’s adult population were single as of 2014. “Increasing numbers of people are single because they want to be,” DePaulo points out. “Living single allows them to live their best, most authentic, and most meaningful life.” Continue reading

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Two Hidden Ways To Sustain Romance and Intimacy In Your Relationship

Screen Shot 2016-07-29 at 5.28.57 PMJuly 28, 2016

The 18th Century Zen poet and teacher wrote “Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away.” That describes the relentless search for new “truths” that promise to sustain emotional and sexual intimacy with your partner. But sometimes the most important information stares you right in the face; you don’t “see” it because it’s so obvious.

Here’s an example: It’s found in some new research on couples’ relationships from the University of North Carolina. It finds that couples whose partners feel and express appreciation to each other, and who take time to share in moments of joy tend to experience more ongoing, positive connections with each other. Such opportunities occur, especially, in the small moments that occur every day, in many people’s lives. But they’re often overlooked or ignored.

According to the lead researcher Sara Algoe, the findings point to the significance of “the little things.” They have big impact on relationship longevity and wellbeing. Moreover, we know that many other studies, have found that positive relationships are associated with greater overall health, over the years.

In a summary of the research, Algoe points out that one partner’s expression of gratitude reminds the other partner that he or she is a good relationship companion. The research method is described in detail here, but the upshot is that couples who expressed gratitude towards each other in those small moments reported that their relationships become stronger, more positive and flexible in their interactions with each other. Continue reading

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Why Women Who Have More Sexual Partners Are Less Likely To Divorce

Screen Shot 2016-06-25 at 3.46.37 PMJune 27, 2016

So often, what we assume to be true reflects an embedded set of conditioned attitudes. And those often reflect prevailing values and expectations more than real people’s behavior or trends within changing social and cultural circumstances. A new study highlights an example of that. Its findings contrast with “established” fact — that women who have multiple sex partners prior to marriage necessarily experience an increased likelihood that they will eventually divorce.

As our society evolves, people’s intimate relationships also evolve. That requires learning more about what supports lasting, positive partnerships, or their eventual dissolution. And how that information may show itself in changing survey data.

This new research from the University of Utah provides some insights into recent social and behavioral shifts. Although it found that women with over 10 sexual partners prior to marriage show an increase in divorce rates, so do those with only two. Both had higher rate of divorce. But the lowest was found in those with 3 to 9 partners. 

The research was published by the Institute for Family Studies and summarized in a report from the University of Utah. According to the lead author Nicholas H. Wolfiger, “In short: if you’re going to have comparisons to your [future] husband, it’s best to have more than one.” He added that sexual behavior has changed significantly throughout recent decades.

I think that’s definitely a no-brainer, but many may be unaware of just how much is evolving. For example, I’ve written previously about the increasing numbers of unconventional romantic-sexual couplings; and also that divorce or separation can be good for your health.  Wolfinger pointed out that the acceptance of premarital sex make more likely that its impact upon marriage instability would decline. He added, “All of the fanfare associated with hooking up is evidence that some young people have become comfortable with the idea of sex outside of serious relationships.” Continue reading

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Does Fighting Really Energize Your Sex Life?

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May 24, 2016

A previous article of mine, posted on LiveYourVie.comcontinues to be relevant to many couple, today:

“Of course, we fight!” John said, “All couples do; that’s normal!” He looked at me incredulously, as Mary quickly added with a tight smile, “But then we have ‘make-up sex.’ And that makes things better.”

Nevertheless, they sought therapy over their concern about the long-term impact of this “normal” pattern.

Perhaps you share John and Mary’s experience or views. Many do. The sex lives and relationships of couples often descend over time into diminishing excitement and passion, and increasing boredom and routine. Call it “marital sex,” in contrast to what couples often experience at the start of a relationship. In “marital sex,” you’re bringing into the bedroom all the other parts of your relationship, like disagreements over finances, or even over trivial things like where to place the furniture or where to vacation—not to mention parenting challenges, which become a large part of any couples’ relationship. And aside from all of your collective relationship and family issues, each of you has your own individual concerns—your career, your aging parents, or other familial stressors.

Couples often assume that fighting and conflict are inevitable—“normal,” even—and that they’re to be tolerated and, at best, managed. They may not recognize that their diminished sexual and romantic life is as interwoven with how and why they conflict as it is with their relationship overall. Then they may focus on ways to re-energize their sex life, as though it’s disconnected from the rest of their relationship, and as though that will compensate for their relationship conflicts. Continue reading

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Stress, Success, And the Demise of Manhood

Screen Shot 2016-05-19 at 3.36.27 PMMay 17, 2016

It’s no surprise that surveys document increasing stress and emotional conflict among workers and within their intimate relationships. One recent example: A report from Fortune that American workers are more stressed than ever. Based on 500 Americans, it found that more than half said their stress level reached significant levels. And at home, career-related conflicts increasingly intersect with relationship issues in negative ways.

One study found that men automatically interpret a partner’s success as their own failure, even when they’re not in direct competition. Moreover, couples’ conflicts often involve differences about what success means. Those differences infiltrate their sex lives. As I’ve written elsewhere, some believe that “make-up” sex will cover over their differences about their life goals or values. But it doesn’t.

In my view, such findings and observations highlight a deeper and broader theme: Our views of “success” and traditional “manhood” are changing as a byproduct of our evolving, diversifying culture. That theme was hinted at by recent research findings that higher status and material success are associated with attitudes of entitlement and narcissism. Those, in turn, affect your view of yourself and how you relate to others you’re connected with, often with negative consequences.

In essence, we’re experiencing significant upheaval and transformation regarding what men traditionally learn to define as “manhood” and “success” in our culture. It’s unraveling the traditional definition of “maleness;” the values and behavior that have defined what a successful male is — at work, in intimate relationships and in society.

That is, many men feel unmoored regarding their identity, purpose and place in a world that’s evolving rapidly in ways that feel threatening to life as they’ve known it. Men who cling to traditional positions of power in society (including domination in their intimate relationships) — and who define their self-worth by such power — can feel terrified; in danger of losing what they thought “manhood” and a stable, successful life was. They may fear losing domination in their relationships and material measures of prestige and success

It can be frightening to experience one’s previously stable world under siege. Especially so, for those who’ve profited from or otherwise bought into a manhood identity centered around holding and using personal power for material ends, elite status and social recognition. To them, it may feel inconceivable that society would be anything other than stable and supportive of who they are; of their secure place in the world, and that they would be the perpetual beneficiaries of that stability.

Much of the political appeal of Donald Trump both reflects and taps into those fears. That stirs longings for restoring how things “used to be.” But reality has a path of its own. Old expectations are eroding in the face of major cultural and social shifts that give voice to demands for greater equality and shared power. This forces men to reformulate what they think supports positive, intimate relationships, and what they think defines a successful life as a man, in today’s world.

Consider just a few of these shifts:

The upshot is that our society is evolving towards greater interdependency, collaboration and equality at all levels. That means shifting away from the primacy of self-interest and towards serving the larger social good. The traditional definition of success and manhood, along with attempts to maintain the vested interests in it, can, indeed, feel like standing on crumbling ground when you’re hit with large-scale social change and transformation that you don’t understand; or are told is harmful and must be opposed at all costs.

A version of this article also appeared in The Huffington Post.

Credit: The Huffington Post

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Open Marriages, Other Forms of Sexual-Romantic Coupling: On The Rise?

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I was recently interviewed for a New York Times article by Tammy La Gorce that portrayed the long-term open marriage of the actress Mo’Nique and her husband Sidney Hicks. The couple maintains that it works for them, despite the criticism and disbelief they often encounter. La Gorce’s article quoted my views about open marriage — what it means, and whether it “works,” from a psychological perspective. Because my views contrasted sharply with some of the others cited, especially those of Helen Fisher of the Kinsey Institute, I’m elaborating on them here.

First, the open marriage is just the current version of what became more visible during the early ‘70s because of the book, The Open Marriage, and the popular movie, Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice.” Overall, it’s part of a much broader shift, or evolution, underway today. It’s towards a sense of greater freedom to create and be open about different forms of intimate relationships; ones that people define for themselves as desirable and satisfying.

Increasingly, men and women seek to create and maintain an intimate relationship that they experience as fulfilling and meaningful. And that they define, themselves; not by others or conventional norms. How their relationships evolve down the road, over time, is something they will assess and judge for themselves. And we can see what the evidence shows.

It’s wise to suspend judgment, especially about psychological health, when views about the latter are contaminated by ideology or shared values and norms. As you grow through the adult years in today’s changing, increasingly diverse society, a broadened perspective enables you to realize that life can be complex; and can work differently for different people.

For example, Kim (not her real name) a divorced woman in her 40s, explained to me that she maintains a satisfying relationship with a man who also has a lifelong, supportive connection with a woman who is the mother of his three children. They find it works for them, given their life circumstances. And we can judge them from our own perspectives and life choices…or observe and respect what works for them. Continue reading

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Why Living Together Without Marriage Can Increase Your Mental Health

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I’ve written previously that we’re living through a steady, growing shift in our society, as men and women re-think what kinds of relationships they seek and prefer – whether straight or gay. For example, I’ve written here that part of this shift is towards increasing acceptance of a variety of emotional-sexual experiences of couples; including polyamory; and committed couples who choose not to marry.

Now, some new research adds to these findings, as well as to recent survey data, that younger people, especially, are more concerned with building a positive, sustaining relationship than with marriage, per se. The current study, described in this report from Ohio State University, found that both men and women experience as much of a boost in their emotional well-being whether they move in together or marry. It was a bit more for women, but interestingly, that boost occurred equally among men and women who had a prior relationship that didn’t work out.

That finding is significant for reasons that might not be visible on the surface: I think it reflects the reality that forming a lasting love relationship with the right partner requires a prior failure or two. Such experiences are like a “leavening” of your inner self. It builds the foundation for learning what kind of person – his or her values, character, outlook on life — meshes with who you are, along those dimensions. And that increases the likelihood that a couple will grow together, emotionally, sexually, intellectually and spiritually, rather than grow apart.

This new study was based on data collected throughout the 2000s. It found that, for young adults who moved on from a first relationship, both men and women received similar emotional boosts whether they moved in with their second partner or got married to them.

The findings suggest an evolving role of marriage among young people today, said Sara Mernitz, co-author of the study. “Now it appears that young people, especially women, get the same emotional boost from moving in together as they do from going directly to marriage,” she said. “There’s no additional boost from getting married.”

Claire Kamp Dush, co-author of the study, pointed out that “We’re finding that marriage isn’t necessary to reap the benefits of living together, at least when it comes to emotional health.” The study appears online in the Journal of Family Psychology.

Credit: Kari Layland

A version of this article also appeared in The Huffington Post.

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Can Divorce Increase Your Overall Health?

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Whether you approve or not, there’s no question that intimate relationships are steadily transforming — what we seek from them, how we engage in them, and what we define as desirable and fulfilling. Men and women increasingly pursue relationships that they define as positive, meaningful, and healthy, though they may differ from traditionally accepted norms. And the latter includes, even, recent advocacy regarding polygamy, as well as support for legalization of sex workers, as Amnesty International has announced,  Such developments stir considerable emotional and moral reactions, which is why it’s helpful to find research that studies that show how some of these shifts may to lead to positive outcomes regarding emotional and psychological health.

Here’s one example: It concerns the mental health impact of divorce. It’s an illuminating study because it contradicts previous research indicating that divorced and unmarried couples are less healthy than married ones. This current study, conducted by London-based researchers, found evidence to the contrary. For example, it found that people who have divorced and remarried are no more likely than those who have remained married to have cardiovascular or respiratory health problems in early middle age. And physical health is interwoven with mental health, as many studied have confirmed.

The research examined the health outcomes of people who are divorced, as well as unmarried, cohabiting couples. The research found that people born in the late 1950s who experience divorce and separation or live together without marrying “…have very similar levels of health in middle age to those who are married,” said lead author George Ploubidis in a Medical XPress summary. Continue reading

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Living Together Or Married? No Difference In Your Emotional Health

Screen Shot 2015-12-10 at 4.35.14 PMDecember 8. 2015

This new research is consistent with recent surveys that show younger people, especially, are more concerned with building a positive, sustaining relationship than with marriage, per se. The current study found that both men and women experience as much of a boost in their emotional well-being whether they move in together or marry. It was a bit more for women, but Interestingly, that boost occurred equally among men and women who had a prior relationship that didn’t work out. 

That finding is significant. I think it reflects the reality that form a lasting love relationship with the right partner requires a prior failure or two. Such experiences are like a “leavening” of the inner self; it builds the foundation for learning what kind of person – his or her values, character, outlook on life — meshes with who you are, along those dimensions. That increases the likelihood that a couple will grow together, emotionally, sexually, intellectually and spiritually, rather than grow apart. 

This new study, described in this report from Ohio State University, was based on data collected throughout the 2000s. It found that, for young adults who moved on from a first relationship, both men and women received similar emotional boosts whether they moved in with their second partner or got married to them. 

The findings suggest an evolving role of marriage among young people today, said Sara Mernitz, co-author of the study. “Now it appears that young people, especially women, get the same emotional boost from moving in together as they do from going directly to marriage,” she said. “There’s no additional boost from getting married.”

Claire Kamp Dush, co-author of the study, pointed out that “We’re finding that marriage isn’t necessary to reap the benefits of living together, at least when it comes to emotional health.” The study appears online in the Journal of Family Psychology and will be published in a future print edition.

Credit: NPCC/CPD Archive

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Why Showing Gratitude Strengthens Marriage Relationships

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I want to highlight the findings of this new study from the University of Georgia  — that feeling appreciated and valued by your partner strengthens your marriage and increases your belief about its endurance. I think that these findings — though they are about marriage relationships — underscores something important about what builds positive relationships in general. That is, whether they are intimate, work-related, or those in broader societal contexts. Showing and feeling gratitude in relationships go a long way in building and maintaining positive, mutually supportive connections. And the latter are crucial for personal and societal wellbeing.

This study, published in the journal Personal Relationships, was based on surveys of 468 married couples. It found that that spousal expression of gratitude was the most consistent significant predictor of marital quality. 

“It goes to show the power of ‘thank you,'” said the study’s lead author Allen Barton. “Even if a couple is experiencing distress and difficulty in other areas, gratitude in the relationship can help promote positive marital outcomes.” Added co-author Ted Futris. “…when couples are engaging in a negative conflict pattern like demand/withdrawal, expressions of gratitude and appreciation can counteract or buffer the negative effects of this type of interaction on marital stability,” 

The study also found that higher levels of spousal gratitude protected men’s and women’s divorce proneness from the negative effects of poor communication during conflict. And, according to Barton, “This is the first study to document the protective effect that feeling appreciated by your spouse can have for marriages. It highlights a practical way couples can help strengthen their marriage, particularly if they are not the most adept communicators in conflict.”

Credit: WomenPlanet

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Why Are Women More Likely To Initiate Divorce?

Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 11.08.14 AMAugust 25, 2015

Some new data about divorce and non-marital breakups contains an unexpected finding, and I think it underscores an ongoing evolution in what people want and seek in their romantic relationships. The study, based on a survey of over 2000 heterosexual couples, found that women initiated nearly 70% of all divorces. Yet there was no significant difference between the percentage of breakups initiated by women and men in non-marriage relationships.

How to explain? I find that this data is consistent with what I and others have seen clinically. When men and women seek couples therapy and then subsequently divorce; or, when either partner seeks individual therapy about a marriage conflict that ends in divorce, it’s often the woman who expresses more overt conflict and dissatisfaction about the state of the marriage. On the other hand, the man is more likely to report feeling troubled by his wife’s dissatisfaction, but “OK” with the way things are; content to lope along as time passes.

In contrast, I find that younger couples – who are more likely to form non-marital but committed relationships — experience more egalitarian partnerships to begin with. When the relationship crumbles beyond repair, both experience that disintegration. Both are equally likely to address it – and part, if it can’t be healed.

These clinical observations are consistent with what the study’s lead author, Michael Rosenfeld, suggests — that women may be more likely to initiate divorces because the married women reported lower levels of relationship quality than married men. In contrast, women and men in non-marital relationships reported equal levels of relationship quality. Rosenfeld said his results support the feminist assertion that some women experience heterosexual marriage as oppressive or uncomfortable.

He adds, “I think that marriage as an institution has been a little bit slow to catch up with expectations for gender equality. Wives still take their husbands’ surnames, and are sometimes pressured to do so. Husbands still expect their wives to do the bulk of the housework and the bulk of the childcare. On the other hand, I think that non-marital relationships lack the historical baggage and expectations of marriage, which makes the non-marital relationships more flexible and therefore more adaptable to modern expectations, including women’s expectations for more gender equality.”

Credit: Moms Magazine

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Reduce Your Social Anxiety By Serving Others

Screen Shot 2015-08-04 at 3.21.47 PMAugust 4, 2015

I think a recent study about social anxiety provides more evidence that fixating on our ego — our self-absorption — whether it’s heightened focus on our “needs,” our personal slights, real or imagined, our sense of self-importance, our desire to possess and control — is the root of many emotional and physical conflicts. In this study researchers examined what might help people who suffer from social anxiety, which can be very debilitating, frustrating, and isolating. It found that engaging in acts that help or benefit other people helps reduce social anxiety.

In effect, doing good for others helps socially anxious people become more socially engaged in positive, satisfying ways. That reflects letting go of preoccupation with one’s self; of how other’s will perceive you, think about you, form assumptions about you. Doing something for others pulls you out of that kind of anxiety-generating self-absorption.

The study, conducted by researchers at the University of British Columbia and Simon Fraser University and published in Motivation and Emotion, pointed out that performing acts of kindness to the benefit of others is known to increase happiness, positive interactions and perceptions of the world at large. So they examined if, over time, acts of kindness change the level of anxiety that socially anxious people experience while interacting with others; and helps them to engage more easily.

The results of the study confirmed that. It found that a greater overall reduction in the desire to avoid social situations was found among those who actively lent a helping hand in the experimental situation. That is, acts of kindness helped counter feelings of possible rejection and levels of anxiety and distress. 

According to senior author Jennifer Trew, “Acts of kindness may help to counter negative social expectations by promoting more positive perceptions and expectations of a person’s social environment. It helps to reduce their levels of social anxiety and, in turn, makes them less likely to want to avoid social situations.” 

Credit: CPD Archive

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Divorce, Separation, Co-Habitation — Good For Your Health?

Screen Shot 2015-07-14 at 4.06.43 PMJuly 14, 2015

We’re in the midst of a steady, major transformation of how we think about intimate relationships — what we seek from them; and how we engage in them for mutual benefit. Increasing numbers of men and women pursue relationships that they define as positive, meaningful and healthy, although they may differ from traditionally accepted norms. So it’s good to see research evidence that sheds light on which of those shifts demonstrate positive outcomes with respect to emotional and physical health.

One recent study looked at the health outcomes of people who are divorced, as well as those who co-habit without marriage. Contrary to previous studies suggesting that divorced and unmarried couples experience less health than those who are married, this study, conducted by London-based researchers, found evidence to the contrary. Published in the American Journal of Public Health, the study found that individuals who have divorced and remarried are no more likely than those who have remained married to have cardiovascular or respiratory health problems in early middle age. The study has implications for younger generations as more people pursue unconventional relationships, and the reality of divorce continues to be an option for some.

“…Our research shows that people born in the late 1950s who live together without marrying or experience divorce and separation, have very similar levels of health in middle age to those who are married,” said lead author Gerge Ploubidis, in a Medical XPress summary. In fact, some even experienced health benefits, in the long term, despite going through divorce, according to the researchers. “Surprisingly, those men who divorced in their late 30s and did not subsequently remarry, were less likely to suffer from conditions related to diabetes in early middle age compared to those who were married.” In fact, although couples who married in their 20s and early 30s and remained married had the best levels of health, unmarried couples living together had almost identical standards of health.

The impact of a relationship, per se, was underscored by the finding that men and women who had never married or lived with a partner, had the worst health in middle age, with higher likelihood of conditions related to diabetes, cardiovascular and respiratory problems. In that respect, the missing element in this research, of concern to those of us in the mental health field, is what we can learn about the impact of shifting definitions of relationships upon psychological health. Recognizing that they are intertwined is crucial, and the subject of increasing study. For example, the links discovered between the gut, the brain, emotions, types of food consumed and inflammation.

Credit: Funologist

 

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Your View of the Future: It Can Increase Your Mental Health….Or Create Depression

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If you’re suffering from depression, you’re likely to believe that your emotional state generates negative thoughts and expectations about the future. After all, depression can color everything, so it’s natural to assume that a negative outlook reflects your depressed mood. And that’s the conventional thinking among most of us in the mental health professions, as well. But for many people the reality is the other way around: It’s how you envision the future that can make you depressed.

A new study supports this. I was happy to come across it because it’s what I’ve observed and emphasized for years: Your vision of your future “self” shapes your mental health. Specifically, a positive vision of what you aspire towards –– a picture of what you’re aiming for, a sense of new possibility –– acts like a kind of psychological magnet. It pulls you towards it, helping you find the path that will take you there. Picturing what you strive towards can feel as though it has tether connected to you, steadily tugging you towards it. That generates positive energy and wellbeing.

But if you lack that vision of possibility, you’re likely to remain more stuck if you’re already depressed. Or you may become depressed, as the new research shows. And even if you’re not, you’ll tend to feel stagnant and flat-lined about some important dimension of your life –– your relationship, your career, your sense of purpose.

The study I referred to was published in the British Journal of Clinical Psychology and conducted by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania. It concluded that a pessimistic view of the future may not be the result of depression but the cause of it. The researchers found that three kinds of pictures of the future, or “prospection,” can drive depression:

  • poor generation of possible futures
  • poor evaluation of possible future
  • negative beliefs about the future

According to the researchers, “Prospection belongs front and center in the study of depression…(and) that faulty prospection does drive depression. An understanding of how prospection shapes psychopathology may enable researchers to create more effective treatments and help distressed individuals to create brighter futures.”

Credit: Triometric

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Positive Emotions Are Linked With Long-Term, Healthy Life

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This should be obvious, but it’s good to see another study showing the links between how we deal with stress and the ups and downs of life, emotionally; and our body’s inflammatory response. The level of inflammation affects many forms of disease. It’s significant for our long-term health.

This study, conducted by researchers at Penn State, and summarized in this report, found that adults who fail to maintain positive moods such as cheerfulness or calm when faced with the minor stressors of everyday life have elevated levels of inflammation. 

I think this research is particularly important because it shows that “resilience” to stress is more than the capacity to absorb, handle, and rebound in the face of stressful experiences. It also includes a pro-active mentality; a positive outlook and positive emotions in the face of life’s conflicts, negative experiences and unpredictability. That mental and emotional orientation plays a key role in the body’s level of inflammatory response when we’re stressed.

That is, the research showed that the frequency of daily stressors, in and of itself, was less consequential for inflammation than how an individual reacted to those stressors. “A person’s frequency of stress may be less related to inflammation than responses to stress,” said lead author Nancy Sin. “It is how a person reacts to stress that is important.” These findings add to growing body of evidence regarding the health implications of emotional response to daily stressors. 

In the short-term, with illness or exercise, the body experiences a high immune response to help repair itself. However, in the long term, heightened inflammatory immune responses may not be healthy. Individuals who have trouble regulating their responses may be at risk for certain age-related conditions, such as cardiovascular disease, frailty and cognitive decline, Sin said. “Positive emotions, and how they can help people in the event of stress, have really been overlooked,” Sin added.

Click here for the full summary from Penn State.

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A Leftward Shift on Key Moral and Political Issues

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As our society becomes increasingly interconnected and generational shifts occur, we’re witnessing continued evolution in peoples attitudes and behavior about “moral” issues, as well as increasing acceptance of diverse values and ways of life. This recent Gallup survey highlights the direction of these shifts. It reports that “Americans are more likely now than in the early 2000s to find a variety of behaviors morally acceptable, including gay and lesbian relations, having a baby outside of marriage and sex between an unmarried man and woman. Moral acceptability of many of these issues is now at a record-high level.”

At the same time, another Gallup survey finds that more Americans now rate themselves as socially liberal than at any point in Gallup’s 16-year trend, and for the first time, as many say they are liberal on social issues as say they are conservative. This reflects a shift from older surveys that tended to show greater numbers who identify as conservative on social and political issues. Currently, thirty-one percent of Americans describe their views on social issues as generally liberal, matching the percentage who identify as social conservatives for the first time in Gallup records dating back to 1999.

Moreover, according the Gallup report, Americans are becoming more liberal on social issues, as evidenced not only by the uptick in the percentage describing themselves as socially liberal, but also by their increasing willingness to say that a number of previously frowned-upon behaviors are morally acceptable. The biggest leftward shift over the past 14 years has been in attitudes toward gay and lesbian relations, from only a minority of Americans finding it morally acceptable to a clear majority finding it acceptable.

The key trends that Gallup cites include:

  • The substantial increase in Americans’ views that gay and lesbian relations are morally acceptable coincide with a record-high level of support for same-sex marriage and views that being gay or lesbian is something a person is born with, rather than due to one’s upbringing or environment.
  • The public is now more accepting of sexual relations outside of marriage in general than at any point in the history of tracking these measures, including a 16-percentage-point increase in those saying that having a baby outside of marriage is morally acceptable, and a 15-point increase in the acceptability of sex between an unmarried man and woman. Clear majorities of Americans now say both are acceptable.
  • Acceptance of divorce and human embryo medical research are also up 12 points each since 2001 and 2002, respectively.
  • Polygamy and cloning humans have also seen significant upshifts in moral acceptability — but even with these increases, the public largely perceives them as morally wrong, with only 16% and 15% of Americans, respectively, considering them morally acceptable.

For a longer description of the survey’s findings, click here.

Credit: CPD Archive

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Why Low Self-Esteem Will Keep You Stuck Within a Bad Relationship

Screen Shot 2015-05-06 at 10.20.38 AMMay 5, 2015

I’ve often worked with individuals and couples who experience a diminished sense of their self-worth; low self-esteem. And when they find that their relationships have entered the dead zone, they are often stuck within them, unable to push for revitalizing them, if possible; or leaving. Even as they uncover the roots of their low self-worth, they often remain frozen in a bad, even destructive relationship.

Some recent research provides some empirical confirmation of what we know, clinically. It found that the partner with diminished self-esteem tends to avoid confronting problems or conflicts. That avoidance often reflects feelings of insecurity about the partner’s feelings for them, and leads to hunkering down and withdrawing from conflict that might be resolved through more open, transparent communication.

The research, conducted by the University of Waterloo, confirmed in essence that partners with low self-esteem tend not to voice relationship complaints with their partner because they fear rejection. “There is a perception that people with low self-esteem tend to be more negative and complain a lot more,” says Megan McCarthy, the study’s lead author. “While that may be the case in some social situations, our study suggests that in romantic relationships, the partner with low self-esteem resists addressing problems.”

And, “If your significant other is not engaging in open and honest conversation about the relationship,” says McCarthy, “it may not be that they don’t care, but rather that they feel insecure and are afraid of being hurt. We’ve found that people with a more negative self-concept often have doubts and anxieties about the extent to which other people care about them,” she says. “This can drive low self-esteem people toward defensive, self-protective behavior, such as avoiding confrontation.”

A summary of the research points out that people with low self-esteem’s resistance to address concerns may stem from a fear of negative outcomes. Sufferers may believe that they cannot speak up without risking rejection from their partner and damage to their relationship, resulting in greater overall dissatisfaction in the relationship.

“We may think that staying quiet, in a ‘forgive and forget’ kind of way, is constructive, and certainly it can be when we feel minor annoyances,” says McCarthy. “But when we have a serious issue in a relationship, failing to address those issues directly can actually be destructive.”

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The Enduring Impact of Loss…In Love and Life

Screen shot 2014-12-23 at 12.30.09 PMApril 28, 2015

As a young boy living in upstate New York, I loved roaming through the nearby woods and fields by myself, on summer days. One sunny afternoon I came upon a tall, thick-trunked tree that had a deep scar on it’s lower portion. It looked like it had been struck by lightning some years before, and was damaged there. Yet it continued to grow.

That memory came to mind recently, as I reflecting on experiences of loss in our relationships and lives, over time; and what endures from them. I recall an essay by the novelist Walter Mosley, who wrote about an awakening, as a small child – his first “mystery.” He described a memory of his three-year-old self in the backyard of his parents’ house, in which he realized, “These must be my parents” and he called out to them. “My mother nodded. My father said my name. Neither touched me, but I had learned by then not to expect that.”

He described ”an emptiness in my childhood that I filled up with fantasies,” and noted that “the primitive heart that remembers is, in a way, eternal.” Interestingly, Mosley grew into the acclaimed mystery novelist he is, today.

Sometimes an unexpected event triggers a memory of a once-meaningful adult relationship. It may have faded over time, but had etched itself onto our soul. For example, the writer Lee Montgomery described a drop-in visit by the son of her first lover, with whom she had many romantic and adventurous experiences in her early youth, during the 1970s. “When I think of Ian, I think of endless days hanging out in the woods and fields around our New England prep schools, sucking dope out of a metal chamber pipe. Ian showed me the world and taught me to live in it. New York City. The Great West. And Europe, where we lived for several months during his first college year abroad.”

Eventually, their relationship ended. She went on with her life, married, began a career. He inherited money, married, “…had no career that I knew of and shot himself when he was in his 30s.”

The son, quite young at the time his father committed suicide, was now about the age Montgomery when she and his father were lovers. He had dropped by her office hoping to hear some stories of what his father was like. Montgomery describes how fresh and alive the memories felt to her, as she drew into them: “Sitting across a booth studying this young man, I was overwhelmed. So many years later, I was stunned to find the feeling of first love still there.” Continue reading

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Is Your Sexism Showing? It’s All in Your Smile!

Screen shot 2015-04-17 at 4.05.32 PMApril 14, 2015

Well, this is interesting: A new study finds that sexist men reveal their degree of sexist attitudes — from more hostile and malignant to benign and patronizing — by the way they smile towards women in social interactions; and how they speak to them in those situations.

That is, the study, conducted by Jin Goh and Judith Hall of Northeastern University, and published in the journal Sex Roles, found that if you want to uncover a man’s true attitude about women, you need to watch how he smiles and talks to her. 

In this study the researchers examined how men’s word choice, attitudes and smiles show their version of sexism in different ways when they interact with women they’ve just met. The researchers carefully examined the interactions of 27 pairs of American undergraduate men and women. They were filmed while they played a trivia game together and then chatted afterwards. Researchers analyzed the men’s behavior, including nonverbal behavior and choice of words used during the interactions, as explained in the journal article.

They found that the more “hostile sexists” were viewed as less approachable, less friendly, in their speech. They also smiled less during the interaction. However, the men who were more of the “benevolent sexist” variety were rated as more approachable, warmer, friendlier and more likely to smile. Moreover, the benevolent sexists used more positive emotional words and were overall more patient while waiting for a woman to answer trivia questions.

The authors argue that sexism can range from hostile to benevolent; either form reflects negative or discriminatory attitudes towards women. They describe hostile sexism as an Continue reading

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A True Test of Empathy Towards Others

Screen shot 2015-04-07 at 10.44.38 AMApril 7, 2015

Many people believe themselves to be compassionate beings who experience empathy towards others. That’s the capacity to put yourself “inside” the other person, and experience his or her reality. It’s different from just feeing sympathy for another’s situation. Research confirms our innate capacity for empathy; we’re “wired” that way. But practicing it? That doesn’t always occur, especially when you’re challenged to do so. I think the latter presents the true test. For example, say you’re feeling burdened with stressful situations or conflicts of your own; and a friend or family member is also experiencing major difficulties. Are you able to muster up and convey empathy to that person, when you’re dealing with your own difficult issues at the same time? That’s the real challenge. It’s a kind of corollary to the idea that virtue is meaningless in the absence of temptation: Empathy is meaningless in the absence of major self-concerns! 

Photo credit: HBR.org

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Look Over Your Shoulder: Generation Z is Rising!

Screen shot 2015-04-01 at 2.54.40 PMMarch 31, 2015

“These children are so mature and they learn so fast, they might just be ready to take over by the time they’re 22.”

Generation X and the aging baby boomers often have trouble understanding and dealing with the millennials. But now, Alexandra Levit’s article in the New York Times calls attention to the rise of Generation Z. Take note, in case you forgot: Everyone grows up and everyone becomes older. Levit writes, “While executives have been fretting over the millennials, though, a new generation is growing up behind the scenes — Generation Z (born starting in the mid-90s to the early ’00s depending on whom you ask). Within the next three years, Gen Zers will be the college grads in my audiences, and they are poised to be somewhat different from the millennials.” Moreover, “These children are so mature and they learn so fast, they might just be ready to take over by the time they’re 22.”

Levit describes her own encounter with them and, more seriously, points out some of their attitudes, values and behavior regarding work, diversity, and activism on issues that concern them. They are the future, and the older generations would do well to pay attention to them — and maybe even learn something from them. She writes:

I recall the exact moment the temperature changed in the workplace. It was 2005, and I was speaking to an audience of 100 young professionals. I was relating my experiences building a career as a Gen Xer (born 1964-79) in a world of traditionalists (born before 1945) and baby boomers (born 1946-63).

Every time I threw out phrases like “paying your dues” and “playing the game,” the audience stared at me blankly. This was not the reaction I had come to expect from early twentysomethings. Usually they took notes on how they could get ahead in corporate America as quickly as possible. Continue reading

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The Rapid Transformation of American Families

Screen shot 2015-03-30 at 10.50.17 AMMarch 24, 2015

A recent analysis from the Pew Research Center shows the continued evolution underway in the American families. It finds that less than half of children who are less than 18 years old live with two married heterosexual parents in their first marriage. The Pew report finds that this is a notable change from 1960, when the figure was 73%; and in 1980, when it was 61%.

 A good illustration of this is the rapid diversification of Astoria, Queens, as described in this recent NPR report. It shows the steady transformation of a traditionally Greek and Italian community to a highly diverse international population.

These findings join with the steady rise of multi-ethnic Americans, and the growth of diversity of our population from nation of origin. They show that American culture and society is becoming more mixed and diverse, both individually and within families.

The Pew analysis was based on the American Community Survey (ACS) and Decennial Census data. It found, for example, that

Americans are delaying marriage, and more may be foregoing the institution altogether. At the same time, the share of children born outside of marriage now stands at 41%, up from just 5% in 1960. While debate continues as to whether divorce rates have been rising or falling in recent decades, it’s clear that in the longer term, the share of people who have been previously married is rising, as is remarriage. According to our analysis, today 15% of children are living with two parents who are in a remarriage.

This summary from Pew contains visual depictions of these changes.

Photo credit: CPD Archive

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Must You Feel Trapped By Regrets About The Past?

Screen shot 2015-03-26 at 10.41.12 AMMarch 17, 2015

John, a 57 year-old man, consulted me for a mixture of “personal and career stagnation,” as he put it. His thoughts soon turned to a decision he made in his 20s, when he reluctantly entered a career path and profession that his father urged him to follow. He said he now saw that his need for parental approval back then was part of a larger pattern that also led him into a marriage with the “wrong” partner. “I feel so much regret, about how foolish I was not to listen to my own heart – if I even knew what it was back then.”

Throughout the decades I’ve heard many men and women express similar laments about turning points in their lives – significant experiences or choices they made, which they look back upon with deep regret and feelings of entrapment. They tell me the sadness they feel about the direction they took; what they turned away from, especially when they see the consequences over time that they feel entrapped by.

However, it’s possible to experience your regrets in life differently. Those regrets have likely taught you something about yourself and changed you. But you may not realize it. And, you may not have acted upon what’s changed within you, as you go forward in your life today.

To explain, lets first take a look at two examples of people’s regrets and how they can paralyze one’s present life: The woman who dropped out of graduate school when she was offered an entry-level editorial job with a newspaper. She was attracted by the seeming security of the position, and she said she had doubts about her journalistic skills, anyway. She remained with the paper for many years, while feeling increasingly stagnated. Ultimately, she was let go during a retrenchment. Now, at midlife, in a tight job market and an unforgiving life situation for people like her, she tells me, “If only I had stayed in grad school, how different my life would have been. But now…” She says she feels trapped and depressed about her life.
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